2007: A recap

There has been a lot of things that I wanted to blog about, a lot of observations and stupid anecdotes and experiences here and there. But I will save that for another day. Seeing as this will be my very last post of 2007, I want to make it slightly more meaningful.

It's been a year of mostly ups and some severe downs, a heckuva rollercoaster ride. If you watched a movie of my 2007, there would be many moments where you'd lean forward and yell into the screen at me "No! Don't do that!". And looking back, I wish someone HAD done that. I try to live by the philosophy of no regrets, and in my first 24 years of life, I'd say I do have a couple but nothing too great, nothing that will haunt me forever, nothing that I cannot live down. But 2007 will be a year marked by some of my deepest regrets.

In 2007, retrospectively, I find myself behaving very uncharacteristically, and am ashamed at how I handled situations. I have done things that are very unlike me, and sometimes to the extent that I myself cannot reconcile to myself what I did. And people whom I have confided in, or who have seen how this has affected me, have all pointed this out. Those who know me longest and best are concerned and worried as to what the hell is wrong with me and what compelled me to behave so, and that they never would have thought it possible coming from me. Well that just shows people really can do what they are not expected to huh? To summarize it, I have shocked, upset, disappointed, let down, and hurt a great deal of people, people who care for and love me. Respect has flown out the window. Where did my maturity, sense of righteousness, courage, responsibility, intellect, go to? Does this mean that my previous goodness, the Alex hitherto that earned me everyone's good graces, was not sustainable? Why did I behave so? In order to root out and fix my behavioral issues and to ensure it does not happen again, I needed to take a big step back and really take a look at myself. When a mistake is made, it is made. Just understand how it came about, and take care to ensure it does not recur.

To keep things short simple sustainable and to improve incrementally, people should not suddenly set numerous high targets. This ensures failure upon review. I want to focus on incremental improvement, small steady steps, short term goals, which would lead to, over a period of time, sustained improvement, and in itself becomes a habit, ensuring that I improve at a realistic sustainable rate.

To close 2007, here are 5 key lessons I learnt:

#1 - Always tell the truth. This means never doing anything you might need to lie about. Also, it means when people ask for the truth, give it. Whatever the consequences, deal with it. Either they can take it hence they asked for it, or, they can't take it, in which case, there is nothing we can do because we did what we did, and we just have to move on and deal with it. Consistency is key. And trust is almost impossible to regain, but we are trying.

#2 - Don't be weak/wishy washy/indecisive. Especially when being so is extremely selfish and self centered, because the consequences of the above actions' effect on others will be something that is not right, something that others don't deserve, and something that will haunt our conscience.

#3 - I need to look beyond myself more and think of the consequences of my actions on those I love, need to grow up fast and be more mature. Part of this involves seeing things as facts, seeing things as they are, being matter of fact, and moving according to the brain and less according to emotion. To think further, to be able to discern right from wrong, and to live a more principle centered life. Principle centeredness will help me do the right thing.

#4 - Watch what I say. Intention does not actually amount to much. Don't have to say what I wish/hope/would like/really want. Just go and get it done. Otherwise, saying it out but not delivering it even though it was an expression of intention could be misinterpreted as unfulfilled promises, yet another manifestation of irresponsible, unreliable and immature behavior.

#5 - You can never totally shake off your past. Things I did yesterday which I regret today and try to face, accept, resolve, and then push away, might still come back and haunt me tomorrow. Hence, live such that when tomorrow comes, and I look back at today, there is nothing that I want to shake off and don't want to/can't talk about.

And below are 5 key things to implement in myself moving forward into 2008:

#1 - Stick to my resolutions.

#2 - Mistakes made are mistakes made. There is no point talking about or harping on them or to keep them in the back of my mind and let them fester and rot me away and cast a grey pall over me and prevent me from living and enjoying life. The key thing is to use it as an opportunity to understand myself and why I made that mistake. That will lead me to not repeat the same thing twice. Understand how and why it was made. Don't repeat. Move on.

#3 - Never forget, always remember the 5 key lessons above.

#4 - Must make a concerted effort to identify the best possible human being I can be in every respect, and make a real push for it. Have to at least match back to the high standards I believe I was and can be better than. Where I fall short of my own or others expectations, so be it. The important thing is to at least try to get myself to where I want to go, make myself the sort of person I want to be. If I am then what she wants, wonderful. Else, at least I know I tried, and did all I could that is within my control.

#5 - Have more of God's presence.

In Summary

Pride comes before the downfall. Thought I was well on my way to all around goodness. Oh how far wrong I was. Due to I myself being immature, not ready, irresponsible, selfish, cowardly, short-sighted, I ended up behaving very uncharacteristically in 2007. Thus that led to a year of my life's biggest mistakes, deepest regrets, most shameful moments. Which let down, hurt, upset, disappointed a lot of people, not least of all, myself. It was a damning and humbling year, but it was also the year I was reminded of God's greatness.

What is done is done. Just have to let go, and look forward and march. Forget the scars, the wounds inflicted on others, because guilt and conscience should not be the reasons I behave in certain ways towards others. Remember and live everything I said above, and most of all, learn to trust God and His ways, ask for forgiveness, for His grace to forgive the many wrongs I have done, and to really leave the management of my life to Him, and not to Man and his 'logic' and reasoning. Look where my flawed logic n reasoning has gotten me! God can do no wrong, though it does not always initially appear so. This whole fiasco might yet have a silver lining. At the very least, it has really forced me to examine myself and realize what a terribly flawed and immature human I am and how much I need to change and improve. I just hate that the price was the emotional distress this caused to others.

And so, 2008, I look to you with open arms, with faith and hope and excitement, just to see what God's plans for me are. Goodbye 2007, thanks for the lessons, though you charged an exorbitant price. This way in 2008! This way!