Reflections

I am very disappointed in myself.

You know a muscle that you just ignore, never work it out, allow it to atrophy?

And then one day some catalyst triggers a realization of its current weakened, sagging, gross state? And you see what you really are now. And you compare it to what you were. And then you compare it to what you thought you would now be. And then the dawning realization you are not only way off track but you have also regressed.

And there is no one else to blame but yourself.

When I was younger, I very often engaged in reflective behavior, meaning to say, I very often would think of the person I want to be, what I now am, and what I have to do to improve it. But I haven't done any such thing for over a year now.

I realize I have picked up some very bad habits:

- Boasting, arrogance, cockiness, exaggerated self perception of ability/achievement, big headed
- Self absorbed, always diverts conversations back to being about me, thinking everything is about me, always talking about me
- In my desire to better understand the people I like, I tend to end up probing too much, way overdoing it, making them feel like they are "frogs" being "dissected".

There is only 1 explanation: I have not been doing any reflections, any checks. No excuse for this, can't blame time. This is stuff that can be done while showering. I had grown so comfortable with who I was, that I never even noticed the gradual adoption of habits I had shunned, denounced and despised.

And these bad habits are driving away people who mean something to me, not just another Tom Dick Harry who is just another decoration on the highway of life. It is entirely their virtue and patience and generosity that has even allowed our friendship to come this far. Frankly speaking from their point of view there seems nothing positive for them. It is a startling revelation that I have been neglecting certain friends, putting aside and taking certain friendships for granted, and testing new friendships to the max. I have cheesed off, disappointed, them and this makes me feel really disappointed in myself.

I think it is time for another bout of self reflection, and this time, I have a lot to change. I was on the bus coming to Singapore, and spent those few hours thinking long and hard.

It will take time, but I need to, for my own good, kill off this disgustingly evolved Alex to reveal the real me. If I don't do it, I will never respect myself or be able to look myself properly in the mirror again.

I have a rough idea what I need to tackle and do. Things are not clear. It is easy to slip and relapse into old bad habits. I'll get better as I go along. But that journey starts with this first step, right now.