Guys playing the field - when to stop?
[ L O N G P O S T. B E V E R Y W A R N E D ]
Somewhere in my occasionally illustrious, eventful and a few littered-with-regretful-actions past, for a short
period of time, I lived a life totally different from the one I am living now.
I had an active social life, regularly went out, had many friends with members of the opposite gender, blah blah yada yada yada. Its a little bit like you are the source of life and excitement that people
tap into to make themselves feel like their life isn't bland and boring. I'm well aware of that.
(Oooh if only they could see me NOW! the epitome in many ways of bland n boring, thats me now.)
-----
Somewhere in my occasionally illustrious, eventful and a few littered-with-regretful-actions past, for a short
period of time, I lived a life totally different from the one I am living now.
I had an active social life, regularly went out, had many friends with members of the opposite gender, blah blah yada yada yada. Its a little bit like you are the source of life and excitement that people
tap into to make themselves feel like their life isn't bland and boring. I'm well aware of that.
(Oooh if only they could see me NOW! the epitome in many ways of bland n boring, thats me now.)
-----
As an aside...
I have a friend who used to be like that, even way much more so. He would regularly be what I'd
call a waterfish - someone whom guys and girls used for their own selfish reasons, like tapping
into his glamour, lifestyle, exciting social life, reputation, image, etc. He wound up spending lots and lots of
money, his health was affected, and he got too carried away I think. When I (regularly) cautioned him to slow
down, take it easy, and not to suffer the indignity of being used/manipulated/treated as a bank account by the
many girls whom he regularly dated/slept with, his logic was as follows:
- I want this lifestlye
- I want something from them
- I acknowledge the price of this thing I want, and am willing n can afford to pay it
- I KNOW their opinion of me...but it doesnt matter because as long as I get what I want at the end of the day,
opinions of others' have no impact on me.
- I will only do this for a while, while I am young
I have to say...ethics and scruples aside.. it made sense to me. For example. He wanted to get the smart ass types to do his homework for him, let him copy homework or whatever, so he'd let them occasionally tap into his
social circle, bring them clubbing etc. So he didnt mind being used for his social connections, didnt mind others
trying to use their association with him to boost their social profile/image, because that ultimately had no
tangible effect on him - regardless of all that, as long as his grades were maintained (by them), he was cool.
Another example. He wants to experience the lifestlye of going out with several different girls, having diff girls
accompany him regularly, and sleeping with them. If this meant buying em expensive gifts, chaffeuring them ard
etc, and being viewed as easy meat, he didnt care, because as long as he got his objectives, he was cool. While
the girls might have viewed him as the dumb one, in his mind, he got what he wanted at a price he easily could and was much more than willing to afford, so, it was win win and no1 lost, definitely not him.
And after a few years of this...he really did tone it down dramatically and is now working super hard and doing v
well for himself career wise.
-----
OK back to me.
Eventually, after this went on long enough, I decided to give up this life, and start a hermit like life of
working hard, taking more care of my health, saving more money, and spending my limited time resource only with people I like, respect, love and who felt likewise for me.
It wasn't maturity. Like my friend, I had weighed everything, and made that calculated decision to go ahead but give myself a short period of time to act silly and after that, be sensible again. $$$ shouldnt be blown. Time
must not be wasted on the undeserving. Etc.
This is especially true for going on dates with a revolving door of girls. Hence I spend time with only the same
few girls who I respect and like.
I reckon me and my friend took the right approach - we acted immature and silly whilst young when the stakes were low, and once we'd done enough, we got out and became good ol boring grownups. By now you know what you
want and dont want and you are no longer easily tempted.
The problem is when you start off being all sensible prudish and mature and trying to do the right thing when you
aren't ready and then later on regretting and THEN wanting to change things. Coz at our age (24), as a guy, I
reckon I've got much more to lose now if I act recklessly and carelessly.
And this is precisely what is happening with a friend of mine. Happily attached to a girl for 3 years, he suddenly probably got cold feet, and, aware of his good looks and constant popularity with girls, he started to be conscious
of the draw he had on girls, and the temptations this afforded him with attractive girls proved to expose his
lack of maturity, strength in self control and readiness to be committed. So he started to go out with all these girls. And naturally they would only show their best sides right? And so he started to do the idiotic thing of comparing them to his current nice but not perfect (come on la who is?) gf. How can any girl constantly maintain perfection in a rship? It is much easier during occasional dates right? So my clever friend went thru all that, and then BROKE UP with that gf, who still remained loving, to her credit (and the validation of Jo's comment that
females are emotional, not rational). Sadly, his reasons for breaking up sounded
to me to be very spurious, dubious and trivial and maybe a tad contrived.
So...he broke up, went out, got into the whole dating scene, loved it, fell hard for this 1 girl, and then got spurned.
friend: I'm devastated alex. i really am. i had such high hopes. i really thought we were going to make it.
me: well..fact is, she made it clear, theres no hope. so, now u know how [his ex gf's name] felt.
friend: yea..
me: [ex gf's name] still cares n loves u and treats u well right? u said so urself what. hey dude..just go back to her
la. u dont have to tell her what happened after u broke up, u'd hurt her like hell...just.. admit u made a mistake,
apologise n go back to her man. she is damn good for you.
friend: yea..problem is i don't love her. I love [this other one who spurned him]
me: huh? why? [ex gf] has done soo much more for u, sacrificed for u...u shud choose HER!
friend: cannot..coz theres no challenge to it...
ahh. really dont understand.. whats so great about this challenge challenge business?! u like u like la! u dun like u
dun like la! y must challen here challen there?!
my friend actually started out the MOST noble among us all. he would go clubbing with us and when chicks hit on
him, he gave them his gf's number. he never looked or talked to other girls. he would reprimand us for our unholy
ways. he only came out when it was all-guys events. all that sort of stuff. its not natural la. who doesnt look at
hot girls!?? i proudly admit i do (and then get caught for it damn).
so now my friend the other day held this conversation with me.
- - -
4/2/2007 12:27:58 AM FRIEND to alex: i think i need to set some stuff on myself for women
4/2/2007 12:28:05 AM alex to FRIEND: wat kind of stuff man
4/2/2007 12:28:37 AM FRIEND to alex: think i need to change my perspective on women
4/2/2007 12:28:43 AM FRIEND to alex: or rather change my taste onwomen
4/2/2007 12:29:26 AM FRIEND to alex: i like girls that are very beautiful and hot
4/2/2007 12:29:49 AM FRIEND to alex: whom are normally pretty self absorbed
4/2/2007 12:30:25 AM FRIEND to alex: and whislt some of them like me, they are normally just in it for themselves
4/2/2007 12:30:36 AM alex to FRIEND: well done congrats! ur heading in the right direction my friend
4/2/2007 12:30:40 AM alex to FRIEND: ur hitting the nails all on the head.
4/2/2007 12:32:07 AM FRIEND to alex: yeah i guess
4/2/2007 12:32:20 AM FRIEND to alex: and i think that in maybe the lsat couple of months, ive gotten a bit full of myself in the womens department
4/2/2007 12:32:48 AM FRIEND to alex ever since breaking up with [ex gf], i've been happily getting to know more and more girls and flirting with them murderously
4/2/2007 12:33:43 AM alex to FRIEND: hahaha
4/2/2007 12:33:44 AM alex to FRIEND: then?
4/2/2007 12:34:11 AM FRIEND to alex: well i think its all very superficial
4/2/2007 12:34:21 AM FRIEND to alex: no meaning
4/2/2007 12:34:44 AM FRIEND to alex: i feel i play the part of the stupid playboy who will eventually end up alone and lonely
4/2/2007 12:35:00 AM FRIEND to alex: so i think its time to change perspective and preference
- - -
First off, I am very happy for him that he finally realized this, all this stuff that some among us figured out long ago, especially the end up alone n lonely part. He is smarter from it. What he intends to do I am not sure but at least he has learnt something.
I wish him best of luck and hope good stuff happens to him and the ex gf gets a better guy she deserves.
However this reminds me of a point.
Remember the friend up there earlier who womanized a lot? He has 1 principle that he stuck to religiously. When
he identified a girl he wants to mess with, he alwiz makes sure she is also in it for the transitory nature of things
and she understands where he is coming from, i.e., no commitments. Only when both parties walk into such
liaisons and affairs (while physically cheating on their bf/gf) clearly knowing this is a hit n run kinda thing, then
no one gets hurt. It is when people are selfish enough not to care about this, that people get hurt.
I have a friend who used to be like that, even way much more so. He would regularly be what I'd
call a waterfish - someone whom guys and girls used for their own selfish reasons, like tapping
into his glamour, lifestyle, exciting social life, reputation, image, etc. He wound up spending lots and lots of
money, his health was affected, and he got too carried away I think. When I (regularly) cautioned him to slow
down, take it easy, and not to suffer the indignity of being used/manipulated/treated as a bank account by the
many girls whom he regularly dated/slept with, his logic was as follows:
- I want this lifestlye
- I want something from them
- I acknowledge the price of this thing I want, and am willing n can afford to pay it
- I KNOW their opinion of me...but it doesnt matter because as long as I get what I want at the end of the day,
opinions of others' have no impact on me.
- I will only do this for a while, while I am young
I have to say...ethics and scruples aside.. it made sense to me. For example. He wanted to get the smart ass types to do his homework for him, let him copy homework or whatever, so he'd let them occasionally tap into his
social circle, bring them clubbing etc. So he didnt mind being used for his social connections, didnt mind others
trying to use their association with him to boost their social profile/image, because that ultimately had no
tangible effect on him - regardless of all that, as long as his grades were maintained (by them), he was cool.
Another example. He wants to experience the lifestlye of going out with several different girls, having diff girls
accompany him regularly, and sleeping with them. If this meant buying em expensive gifts, chaffeuring them ard
etc, and being viewed as easy meat, he didnt care, because as long as he got his objectives, he was cool. While
the girls might have viewed him as the dumb one, in his mind, he got what he wanted at a price he easily could and was much more than willing to afford, so, it was win win and no1 lost, definitely not him.
And after a few years of this...he really did tone it down dramatically and is now working super hard and doing v
well for himself career wise.
-----
OK back to me.
Eventually, after this went on long enough, I decided to give up this life, and start a hermit like life of
working hard, taking more care of my health, saving more money, and spending my limited time resource only with people I like, respect, love and who felt likewise for me.
It wasn't maturity. Like my friend, I had weighed everything, and made that calculated decision to go ahead but give myself a short period of time to act silly and after that, be sensible again. $$$ shouldnt be blown. Time
must not be wasted on the undeserving. Etc.
This is especially true for going on dates with a revolving door of girls. Hence I spend time with only the same
few girls who I respect and like.
I reckon me and my friend took the right approach - we acted immature and silly whilst young when the stakes were low, and once we'd done enough, we got out and became good ol boring grownups. By now you know what you
want and dont want and you are no longer easily tempted.
The problem is when you start off being all sensible prudish and mature and trying to do the right thing when you
aren't ready and then later on regretting and THEN wanting to change things. Coz at our age (24), as a guy, I
reckon I've got much more to lose now if I act recklessly and carelessly.
And this is precisely what is happening with a friend of mine. Happily attached to a girl for 3 years, he suddenly probably got cold feet, and, aware of his good looks and constant popularity with girls, he started to be conscious
of the draw he had on girls, and the temptations this afforded him with attractive girls proved to expose his
lack of maturity, strength in self control and readiness to be committed. So he started to go out with all these girls. And naturally they would only show their best sides right? And so he started to do the idiotic thing of comparing them to his current nice but not perfect (come on la who is?) gf. How can any girl constantly maintain perfection in a rship? It is much easier during occasional dates right? So my clever friend went thru all that, and then BROKE UP with that gf, who still remained loving, to her credit (and the validation of Jo's comment that
females are emotional, not rational). Sadly, his reasons for breaking up sounded
to me to be very spurious, dubious and trivial and maybe a tad contrived.
So...he broke up, went out, got into the whole dating scene, loved it, fell hard for this 1 girl, and then got spurned.
friend: I'm devastated alex. i really am. i had such high hopes. i really thought we were going to make it.
me: well..fact is, she made it clear, theres no hope. so, now u know how [his ex gf's name] felt.
friend: yea..
me: [ex gf's name] still cares n loves u and treats u well right? u said so urself what. hey dude..just go back to her
la. u dont have to tell her what happened after u broke up, u'd hurt her like hell...just.. admit u made a mistake,
apologise n go back to her man. she is damn good for you.
friend: yea..problem is i don't love her. I love [this other one who spurned him]
me: huh? why? [ex gf] has done soo much more for u, sacrificed for u...u shud choose HER!
friend: cannot..coz theres no challenge to it...
ahh. really dont understand.. whats so great about this challenge challenge business?! u like u like la! u dun like u
dun like la! y must challen here challen there?!
my friend actually started out the MOST noble among us all. he would go clubbing with us and when chicks hit on
him, he gave them his gf's number. he never looked or talked to other girls. he would reprimand us for our unholy
ways. he only came out when it was all-guys events. all that sort of stuff. its not natural la. who doesnt look at
hot girls!?? i proudly admit i do (and then get caught for it damn).
so now my friend the other day held this conversation with me.
- - -
4/2/2007 12:27:58 AM FRIEND to alex: i think i need to set some stuff on myself for women
4/2/2007 12:28:05 AM alex to FRIEND: wat kind of stuff man
4/2/2007 12:28:37 AM FRIEND to alex: think i need to change my perspective on women
4/2/2007 12:28:43 AM FRIEND to alex: or rather change my taste onwomen
4/2/2007 12:29:26 AM FRIEND to alex: i like girls that are very beautiful and hot
4/2/2007 12:29:49 AM FRIEND to alex: whom are normally pretty self absorbed
4/2/2007 12:30:25 AM FRIEND to alex: and whislt some of them like me, they are normally just in it for themselves
4/2/2007 12:30:36 AM alex to FRIEND: well done congrats! ur heading in the right direction my friend
4/2/2007 12:30:40 AM alex to FRIEND: ur hitting the nails all on the head.
4/2/2007 12:32:07 AM FRIEND to alex: yeah i guess
4/2/2007 12:32:20 AM FRIEND to alex: and i think that in maybe the lsat couple of months, ive gotten a bit full of myself in the womens department
4/2/2007 12:32:48 AM FRIEND to alex ever since breaking up with [ex gf], i've been happily getting to know more and more girls and flirting with them murderously
4/2/2007 12:33:43 AM alex to FRIEND: hahaha
4/2/2007 12:33:44 AM alex to FRIEND: then?
4/2/2007 12:34:11 AM FRIEND to alex: well i think its all very superficial
4/2/2007 12:34:21 AM FRIEND to alex: no meaning
4/2/2007 12:34:44 AM FRIEND to alex: i feel i play the part of the stupid playboy who will eventually end up alone and lonely
4/2/2007 12:35:00 AM FRIEND to alex: so i think its time to change perspective and preference
- - -
First off, I am very happy for him that he finally realized this, all this stuff that some among us figured out long ago, especially the end up alone n lonely part. He is smarter from it. What he intends to do I am not sure but at least he has learnt something.
I wish him best of luck and hope good stuff happens to him and the ex gf gets a better guy she deserves.
However this reminds me of a point.
Remember the friend up there earlier who womanized a lot? He has 1 principle that he stuck to religiously. When
he identified a girl he wants to mess with, he alwiz makes sure she is also in it for the transitory nature of things
and she understands where he is coming from, i.e., no commitments. Only when both parties walk into such
liaisons and affairs (while physically cheating on their bf/gf) clearly knowing this is a hit n run kinda thing, then
no one gets hurt. It is when people are selfish enough not to care about this, that people get hurt.
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