Conversations with Him

Yesterday was a good day! Went to church, went to my new favourite mall, the Pavillion, had hearty lunch, had a reading session in Times, where Joanne tried to get me to read up on what style of a flirter I was. Didn’t even know that things like that existed! Just a simple lazy Sunday, the way I like my Sundays.

Last night, I couldn’t sleep. Was quite happy actually, had Joanne over for dinner, dropped her off, and even did some silly poses for her because she wanted to photograph me. Driving home at night though I was seized by a hope, and optimism. New year, new hope. New day. New me, new life. Had my resolutions on my thumbdrive to bring to work this morning to print out (which I did already! 3 copies too!). Then had a chitchat family bonding session til late (coz the whole family is back, a rare occasion), and talked about future plans and stuff. Quite a fruitful discussion and found out where they stood on things, we both sides corrected some misconceptions. After that, time for bed. But couldn’t sleep due to some noisiness downstairs near my room, so ended up sleeping in the other room that was vacant due to a leaky roof (thankfully it didn’t rain last night!).

Lay there quite long, and couldn’t sleep. Somehow big empty room devoid of furniture, dark, the silence, the heat, the hard tiles, the discomfort, all I had was 1 blanket, no pillow even. And I started thinking, and thought of what I used to be, what people used to think of me, what I have done recently, what people now think of me, and I felt an overwhelming sense of regret n sadness. How some people, you want them to see a certain side of you, and you have never shown them so, and you are afraid you might never have that opportunity.

Then amidst the discomfort, perhaps due to it, I suddenly thought of Jesus. Of Him. Why, I don’t know. But as I was feeling feelings of deep sorrow rising inside, deep regret, deep self hatred for the hurt n worry inflicted on others, and real remorse, suddenly I felt very calm when He entered my thoughts.

And I started thinking of Him more..and fell asleep with him on my mind. This morning, I woke when it was still dark out, and suddenly felt much better, and sat up, and started to pray.

I prayed for the hurt and worry I inflicted on others, that others may be able to forgive me and for the wounds to be healed and for them to walk upright again.
I prayed for the blood on my hands.
I prayed for the sins I did and the sins I might have forced others to do.
I prayed for placing others in positions where they have to be forgivers.
I prayed for forgiveness most of all, to forgive me for those I have hurt.
I prayed for the dirty n bad thoughts I might have caused others to think.
I prayed that I would have the power and discipline to be a good Christian first, to do the right things.
I prayed for more presence, and pledged to read my bible more with Joanne, to pray together, to behave in a good way, that would firstly make myself good, and then from there, draw others to me.
I really want to submit my life and let him manage it, and to consult him for all major decisions in my life. Let my life be according to His will, and not mine. Whatever he deems is right, is right. If signs keep pointing against my will, I will obey.
I decided to register today for the classes that would eventually lead to water baptism.

So one of my resolutions for the year is more presence. How do I go about it?
church, more punctually.
attend classes, aim for water baptism.
contact fga regarding cell groups/bible study groups.
prayer every morning, every night, in between.
read bible every night.
pray together with Joanne.
think of Him all the time.
constantly ask myself, WWJD?

Theres something about waking up to a dark room, its dark n quiet outside, and the room is empty, and im sitting up on the cold barren floor tiles with no pillows, and praying and making pledges with God. Its almost like I can feel n sense he is around, he is listening, and like im making a direct connection, that he can hear me. Its not like in church where my tiny whisperings are just a bunch of the zillions of ppl simultaneously praying in churches ard the world. Its like due to the quietness, suddenly in god’s bedroom, my lone voice is the one he hears, loud n clear. And im infused with inspiration to do right.

First goal:

- make myself good, and known as a Christian, and be a good Christian.
- Bring strayed or weak Christians closer back again to god.