A break...that's all I ask

So, after being tormented, worried, confused, and driven insane with mental wonderings and questions, fears, doubts, insecurities, and sitting around in my car aimlessly, I finally decided to drive myself to the nearby cyber cafe. A couple of admin things to follow up on.

- Check emails which I havent done for 2 weeks.
- Check anything from HSBC (Aus) or not.

Been really annoyed. First, there's been no internet access for the last 2 weeks thanks to Streamyx's as usual periodic breakdowns. Secondly, I am being driven nuts by the fact that I made an AUD16,000 transaction and for the last 2 weeks it has not gone through and it is driving me nuts and insane with worry. I've called and called like 30 times, and from morning til afternoon til evening til night til midnight and somehow the blooody problem cannot get resolved. Thirdly, the work Lotus Note has been acting up and is all screwed up, which needs to be rectified. Again. Talk about bad luck coming in threes, right? NooOooo...

Theres also the mother to think of. Her ill health in recent times has gotten me really worried. She is aging in front of my very eyes and her hair loss has gotten me v concerned. It makes me feel guilty to think of migrating and her being all alone here. I really really wish she had remarried when she was younger. Guilt is worse than being potentially mistreated by a stepfather. Coz when he grows old I can get him back. But you can never repay or be good enough to your mum for beinging you up alone.

And then there's work. I cannot even begin to describe the expectations, stresses, pressures placed on me. Dilbert said it so true when he said that in the corporate world, we are often told to make this n this project work, to cover up for the fact that the project was badly started, and we are just saving our boss' ass. Furthermore, there's so much demands, and there's more audits coming up, and finally...let me give some background. Already I handle 70% of VMI work for the company. My counterpart handles the other 30%. However, this colleague has resigned, and left, leaving an ad hoc committee of 3 people to now do her 1 person's job. In our inability to find a suitable replacement, now I have to double hat. Let me tell you, the work and pressure is not insignificant.

Additionally, I am having serious doubts and worries about my career path, job selection in the future, and the important question of what do I want has yet to be answered.

Read a book last night, which basically said ask not what I want, but what God wants for me, which would make it easier. So Joanne's way of abiding by the above is to apply for everything that appeals, and whichever job we land, would have God's hand and seal of approval on it. Because I do not have that faith, I am now worrying bout the strength of my faith, and it really disappoints myself, and steps will be taken to address it.

Added to and above all this, there is the spectre of the constant worrying, stressing, fearing, being insecure, and the tormenting confusion and perpetually expecting something terrible to befall me.