Forgiveness

The Bible says we must forgive others for what have been done to us, and forgive ourselves for what we have done. In order to move on in life, we have to forgive others, and also to forgive ourselves. Until we can truly look back on events without any negative emotions, can we claim to have truly let go and have forgiven ourselves and others.

I have no problems with forgiving others. Really, when I look back, I do not feel the negative emotions, only the logical deductions of their actions. For instance, when I look back at a boss unfairly withdrawing promised support of me and leaving me out to dry, I no longer recall the feelings of disappointment, let down and betrayal. But I do remember the lesson learnt, the message, which is that among other behavior of his, this leads me to conclude that I can no longer work for him. This is not personal, just a reflection of a mismatched style and expectations. Hence, in this case, it is better for both parties to move on.

But for my personal life, it's tough trying to forgive myself and reconcile myself to the damage, hurt, loss/alteration of dreams that I have caused onto others. Due to my own immaturity, lack of wisdom and misplaced self belief (that my way of handling is best), I transgressed onto others. This is not something that can be forgotten easily or undone. It can never be undone or forgotten. The only way for them to move forward is to accept and forgive, which is a tough call. And I hate having put them into this situation. Because it is hard to forgive personal injustice, and either they have to do the difficult, i.e. forgive, or they are now sinners, i.e. unforgiving people.

I rationalize. I tell myself that we reap what we sow, and as long as we have given others an opportunity to match our expectations, as long as we articulate those expectations, when things don’t match, we can state a reasonable case to move on. And I thought (as it turns out, wrongly) I’d be able to accept such a situation as well if it was me. And we do what we can to lay down expectations, give chances when that is not met, and up to a certain cut off point, we draw the line, do what we got to do, and walk away, and that in itself is closure and the other party will be able to realize ok, hence, game over, asnd they'd be able to accept the logical reasons for the decision as well. I thought I was very logically driven.

But I have misread the human mind. When put into a similar situation where my repeated failure to meet expectations and ultimatums finally caused me to sow what I was reaping, I could not take it. Although the mind took it well, the heart couldn’t let go. And although I’m on a new lease of life, given a new opportunity to show who I am, I know that no matter what, I have caused Joanne’s first (and from now on, only) relationship to have such a terrible beginning. I have robbed her of that beautiful beginning. I can make the middle and the ending great, but the undeniable fact is that the beginning was not pure white. The only silver lining is that it taught us both many things. Situations like this either draw us closer, or create a wedge between us that we can try to bury but ultimately might rear its ugly head to tear us apart due to the lack of trust from her side, her different opinion of me, her judging my character based on a period of time where I was not myself, and perhaps her forgetting of the person I was before I made my mistake in life. I hope these don't happen.

At the same time, though I gave HY much chances as well, and laid clear to her my expectations, and I know I am not to blame for her taking it badly, I feel guilty n concerned. Is it not hypocritical of me to ask from one what I wouldnt give to another? Although, I did give her chances, and now, I must be fair to Joanne.

So I need to learn to forgive myself for my transgressions onto others, which is easier, as it is basically a matter of rationalizing to oneself. And that is much easier than others forgiving me, which is out of my control.