Random musings throughout the day...

It isn’t very easy being a guy, especially a guy with all the articulate abilities in the world to jabber on about a host of stuff except for the stuff that really matters, the feelings inside.

It is not so bad if I was generally inarticulate, but what is the point in being articulate about things that don’t really matter?

I’ve been commended at work for being clear, concise, logical, but what is the point when the methodology applied to achieve those results cannot be replicated across to the emotional standpoint?

***
The desire to quit and resign still stands, and still burns strong. This weekend is going to be a time for resume writing, and do or die I will finish it this week and start my applications next week. Anything in Sydney or Melbourne would be fine, although of course I prefer Melbourne, it being in my blood and all. However, as I will likely be seeking an internal transfer to our company in Australia, which is based in Sydney, it is highly likely I will end up in Sydney.

What is there to look forward to in Sydney? Well, I guess the ‘overseas working yuppie’ thing does seem slightly attractive, although I’d have to be disciplined not to fall into the student living environment trap.

I think I’d like my own small little cosy comfy apartment. It’s got to be a minimalist type of setting, without much fuss. A painting here or there adorning the white walls, a big window/screen door that slides open to my balcony. That would do just fine. With my basketball posters here and there, and blown up and developed glossy photographs that I have taken on my various travels. A nice sound system.

Airy, bright, spacious, with a masculine bathroom.

What is a masculine bathroom?

Dark blue towels, navy blue, white towels, grey towels, lots of them.

Well it is good to embark on this kind of mental soliloquoy, because I am feeling a little apprehensive about working with Australians again. Living with them is one thing. Working with highly opinionated, often immature, somewhat judgemental etc Australians, especially those in the commerce industry, would be quite a put off.

Of course, for those already working there, they’d deny this, or it’d make them seem a certain way if they admitted that they felt this yet stayed on. But there is always hope, and I have met my fair share of the good people, and let’s hope that that goes on.

Looking young is also going to be a problem. Rats… I think I look 18 to these people.

It is of the utmost importance to come home to a lovely home.

***
T’was a good day at work today. Everything clicked and fell into place, and the presentations I had to produce from scratch and present to other high ranking stakeholders and get their buy in went well. Well, more work for me and more credit to my superiors, I suppose. The pressure is getting really intense and the spotlight is definitely squarely on me. It sucks that others’ of my designation don’t have this much pressure/expectations/responsibilities/accountabilities but at the end of the day, it is what it is and we just deal with it.

Looking on the bright side, always view this optimistically, as if this is an opportunity and it is one way I can rise faster than them. This has always been my mentality and it has brought me some measure of success, but the passion to do so and the willingness and desire to continue to throw myself into this is less, hence accounting for the increased annoyance at the status quo.

At any rate, the good news is that I suddenly received a significant sum of money out of the blue from the company. Always a good thing.

Mood is not bad, hence the impulse to sit here and type away and blog.

However it is tempered by some insecurity, which I will master and control. Will not let irrational reasons sabotage good things.

***
They say men suffer from higher and more severe incidences of depression and suicide. I can relate to it. I think it is a potent combo of inability to express coupled with the expectation by society to accept expressions of anything less than a strong and tough constitution and emotional makeup plus other pressures placed by society which men do not have any form of support group for.

Of course, objectively, this can also be said for women.

Anyway, thank god for sports and exercise. I use sports and exercising as my means of destressing and relaxing, and I’m not sure whether that is a good and healthy (mentally, emotionally, character wise) way to exhume pent up frustrations or not. Maybe it is not the right way, and the right way is to de-create the frustration in the first place by not letting whatever circumstances are causing our frustrations to allow us to feel that frustration. However in the absence of that means which I would love to discover, sports come pretty close.

***

I just love this lyric:

This innocence, is brilliant.

I hope that it will stay.

This moment, is perfect.

Please don't go away.

I need, you now.

Hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by.

Perhaps it was the circumstances surrounding my awareness of the song's existence, and what happened thereafter...but its definitely poignant and significant to me.