The 3 Cs

When in the initial throes of love, we fail to see, or fail to acknowledge, or fail to accept it, when we see discrepancies (with us) or flaws in the ones we love.

Everything is smooth and rosy, and beautiful, and sweet. It’s all hunky dory, and even when we do see discrepancies, we block it out, explain it away, ignore it, or choose to believe that when push comes to shove, somehow, things will be okay. Somehow, things will always work out. Don’t worry our heads now, let’s just live in the moment.

Well, experience is teaching me that it is not okay. This kind of attitude that so closely mirrors ostriches burying their heads in the sand will just lead to a long path of unhappiness and eventual relationship doom. Coming from this current job, there are many things I learnt which are exceedingly useful, even when applied to my normal daily life. Among them is the mindset and mentality.

I now truly believe in the wisdom of doing things correctly right from the very start. There might be initial pains. It would be difficult. There would be a journey of mutual discoveries. At this stage, if we find too many differences to overcome, we should call it quits, no matter how hard it may be, because if we continue this relationship it would be a mistake, as it gets harder and harder to disentangle ourselves despite knowing it’s a mistake. This particular step is missing in a lot of relationships, and I believe is one of the chief reasons why many set themselves up for failure. And why many have failed.

I was asked something the other evening. To paraphrase the question, ‘if I were to write a book on the conditions that must be true in order for a relationship to be able to last forever, what would my 3 main points be?’

First I thought of all the key conditions that must be true. Then I slowly went through the process of elimination. My final 3 answers are:

Firstly - commitment. Without this, everything else is null and void. Commitment means the desire and will and resilience to let no barriers or obstacles stop you from being together. No matter what happens, you want each other, and want each other enough to work through whatever comes your way, make the sacrifices required. Everything else pales in comparison and takes second place. For example, if a person breaks up with someone because of distance, or money, or different family backgrounds, etc, then clearly, she loves him not enough to stick through the distance or go closer to him, clearly she loves the money and material things in life more than his presence in her life etc. Commitment means being with each other despite going through hardships, trials and tribulations, and not being with each other only if not unduly taxed.

Secondly – compatibility. This key ingredient is often overlooked and unanalyzed at the beginning of relationships, and then rears its ugly head later in various manifestations that eventually serve to drive a wedge in the relationship, leading to its demise. Compatibility encompasses many things. Examples include both have similar outlooks in life, approach to life, expectations from life. They both have similar philosophies on how much money is required, and how to spend what they have. The way they quarrel will not lead to bitter fights. What one considers romantic is deemed likewise by the other. You just know it when you have it; not an easy thing to explain. People say opposites attract, must find someone different from you, yin and yang, can keep things interesting. As far as I am concerned, that is a surefire recipe for doom and gloom. If you cannot agree on how to spend your time on a holiday, if you cannot agree on how to spend your weekends, your money, if you cannot quarrel like logical rational sensible adults, if you approach setbacks and obstacles differently, if one party is not selfless enough, etc, then the days of this relationship will be very numbered.

Thirdly – communication. This vital component is often ignored, especially early on in relationships where physical action takes precedence, and hence, contributes to the ignorance of compatibility. Hence, all relationships should slow down regularly, take a step back, and communicate. People change. Over the years, in a relationship, both partners will change. It is important to constantly talk, so both are aware of how the other is changing, and both can influence the other so there is congruence. A lack of communication and understanding will lead to the absence of total trust, non congruence in their character evolution, and eventually, too many differences to overcome.

Notice that all start with C. All good things start with a C!