Jul/Aug 2007
Some dates, eras, remain significant in your mind long after they have come, gone, or have any reasonable reason to linger on.
End Jul/Aug is a tumultuous time, turbulent, like a rollercoaster ride, with highs so high I could touch the clouds on my magic carpet, and lows so low I felt that I was about to lose everything.
I've always prided myself on my ability to remain in control of myself. Hung my hat on my discipline. Well known for my resiliency and steadfast resolute ability to die die cling to whatever I really set my mind on doing and resisting multiple temptations, I have of late found myself in a situation where I am deviating from how I originally envisioned I would behave. Being in a relationship for ... 7 years ... you really learn a lot. And you know how you should/want to behave in rships. Yet I find myself plunging headlong down an abyss and saying or doing things that are so unlike me. Not me not me its been ages since I lost ctrl like that. Not right! C'mon alex, what the hell, reduced to a babbling weakling like this. Makes me gross and sick and disgusted at my weakness and I know I really should get a grip because I know I can and HAVE, but I trust this girl so so much I don't feel that necessity to hold back. But am I being silly? And you know what? I worry I am gripping the sand too tightly.
Thing is, I can easily hold back, can easily not say a word or demonstrate or display much emotion and remain aloof and watnot. But why play games? I don't like to play games. I want to trust this person and know that its ok. So on a leap of faith I am going out on a limb here.
I am seeing signs of the sand slipping thru the fingers. If it all went away, I would be devastated, but the last 7 years, what it has taught me is that I can stand up again, so thats not too big a problem. But...to know that the pieces don't fit anymore...when you really thought it would...is tough.
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