Can guys & girls be 'just friends'?

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Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

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Can males and females ever be platonic friends? That was an interesting question I found myself pondering last weekend over drinks with some friends (mixed genders). Females with guy friends, do you honestly think that all of them are just friends with you because of your wonderful friendship? And all they want is just to be friends? Nothing else? And guys, all of you just want to be friends with your female friends, and nothing else?
Really?

What if that female friend suddenly gained 20kg, developed a terrible complexion, and various other physically/aesthetically unattractive features? Lets face it, all of us - looks matter.

Its a tough question.

Personally I must admit, guys definitely categorize girls when we first meet them. There is the "Would like to/want to screw", "Great if can screw but cannot also its OK", "Don't mind screwing but definitely not on hit list", "Errr...don't want to screw", and "Hell no! Free also no thanks". Note that in these initial few seconds, the word screw is prominently featured. However, the first few seconds aside, other judgements are made. "Eyer, don't want to know her better, just ignore from now on", "Something not quite right about her, so will just be cordial if paths cross", "Hmm...OK la.. not sure one way or other so if get to know her better also don't mind, if don't also don't mind", "Seems like a nice friendly great intelligent girl...would like to get to know her better", "What an absolute angel! Would love to know her better".

So, all these opinions can be in any combination, and whichever spot I initially categorized her as is not fixed, not locked in, and can be moved around. A girl who progressively displays a great character actually starts to LOOK better, and a girl who progressively displays a SHIT character starts to look shitter. At the end of the day, her character is the 1 overriding determinant, in fact, the ONLY & SOLE determinant for whether or not I want to continue keeping in touch with her. Her looks won't matter if she is a bitch coz then suddenly she seems very disgusting. But if she is great personality wise, her looks won't even register.


I have female friends on the entire spectrum. There are the ones who attract lots of attn from the opposite species, and theres the ones who don't. The ones who beat away suitors who don't get discouraged nontheless. But as far as I am concerned, a friend is a friend because of what kind of friend they are, not how they look. If I have a female friend, it means I enjoy her companionship, I respect her, I like hanging out with her, I think she has a brilliant mind, and I have a great time hanging out with her. And thats about it. I admit, when I was younger, of course looks played a part. But as I grew older, like I said, bitchy girls look real bitchy and intolerable. So looks became more and more irrelevant.

If I wanted to go after someone, I would do it in a way that would not make me get treated as merely her 'friend'. If I allowed someone to treat me as a friend and nothing more, it means that that is exactly the way I want her to treat me because that is exactly how I see her. If I see a girl as not-just-friends material, why the hell would I act in a way that allows her to treat me as merely a friend? That way, I would never get into her "hmm..lets consider him" books, and remain just a friend - exactly not what I want!

I myself have had close friendships with female friends, many of them, while maintaining my own rship on the side. I guess knowing I have my own rship reassures my female friends that I am not out with the intention of getting into their pants, but merely to enjoy their company. Of course, sometimes in the friendly course of conversation, the banter strays into harmless innuendos and jokes which are just for fun.

However, lets explain the general truth out there.

For girls:

My theorem.

1. Don't want anything to do with this guy
2. Will never ever go out with him, and not particularly enamoured to his friendship, but doesnt mind him tagging along. Can tolerate, quite neutral.
3. Quite a nice person, enjoys his presence in a group.
4. Nice person, definitely can be friends.
5. Can be good friends, and wouldn't mind knowing them better.
6. Very nice/interesting person, want to know them better.

It ends there.

But, they have a whole separate criteria for another list. Potential mates.

1. Definitely want this guy! Rich, handsome, nice...wow! (Tries to scheme...)
2. Would definitely not mind going out with this guy to see how he is like...quite good conditions .
[1&2 prerequisites: at least decent levels of niceness, richness and handsomeness]
3. Everything also good enough but $ wise not quite there but looks promising because he has the right attitude and potential for a good career. Attractive.
4. Not quite there yet, either lacking in looks or $, though nice. Well, just in case I never meet a 1,2 or 23 I better hang on to this guy as a backup plan.
5. Wah...need to make drastic improvements to niceness/richness/$ in order to make more impact.
6. Out of radar range, no chance: falls into Friends category again.

For guys:

1. I want to screw you. So I shall go after you directly.
2. I like your character. But I want to screw you. So I shall go after you directly.
3. I want to screw you. But cannot make obvious. So shall first try to become your friend. Then bide my time and wait for chance. If after a time period cannot, then forget it.
4. I like your character. But I want to screw you. But cannot make obvious. So will bide my time and be your friend first. Then remain friends until got opportunity to strike. But this 'waiting period' is very short. After a time, will try to start a relationship - basically 'I LOVE YOU. DO YOU LOVE ME?'. If answer is no, this guy basically lacks confidence and maturity, sticks his tail between his legs, and slinks off, perhaps even silently [& unreasonably] pissed off at girl.
5. Theres more but I'm lazy to type so lets just jump to the last few main types.
6. Never think of you that way but hey if can screw, will screw.
7. I think you have a great character. Would love to be friends with you. Yes you might look good, yes you might not look good but who cares. The laughs and stimulating conversations we have are what makes you so valuable to me.
8. Butt ugly character and person, stay away.

Ahh...ruffled a few feathers huh. If you thought so and so merely wanted to be friends [claims my female friends who swear that they have male friends who just want to be friends], you may be right. But chances are, he has something else on his mind [claims my male friends, who do not have female friends whom they don't want to screw]. Do the maths. But since yours truly does have female friends who he does not intend to try and screw, I think it is only fair to say that this phenomena that girls claim, just might be true - rare, but true.

And this leads to some arguments within relationships. The girl claims that so and so is just a friend, treats her as just a friend, and thus, its OK to go out for drinks with him alone. Even if this guy also fetches her here n there, pays for her drinks etc. The boyfriend can see through the other guy's smokescreen and goes "No way! No guy does anything that does not lead to a possible screwing!". If the girl denies this, she is either REALLY naive n dumb n self deceptive and needs to grow up damn quick (what the hell for the bf want a girl like that?! must be bf cum babysitter,] pretending to be dumb on purpose (the catchall excuse) or she secretly wants it to continue.

So we can't be just friends can we?


Aish...CAN. I think CAN. If we moved beyond the superficial crap you will find a lot of great people out there really. So step beyond those selfish lines 'How come no more nice guys out there, or guys who can be great friends?' [why no rich/nice/handsome guys go after me or cross paths with me] and 'Sigh..no more nice girls out there [sigh..no pretty girl wants me]. Then I am sure, we would meet plenty of people with a lot to offer and be very happy.

I have great female friends whom I have known since...Year 7/8, since high school, and its been 10 years now...yet we are still purely platonic friends. They fall into my category 7 (refer above). Incredible to others, but something to treasure for me. And colleagues who became friends as well. And these female friends might not know it but when I hang around them, I tend to get reminded of my immaturity, flaws or other weaknesses which is great because I can then see the other perspective and improve the kinks in myself. Win-win situation. But if I went after them, and got rejected (most likely, seeing as that I have no tact,skill,looks,money or niceness) confirm I will not have as much fun or learn as much. And I can get solid female advice.

I guess time will tell. If after a few months or a year a person hasn't made a move it is safe to say they aren't gonna make a move.