Male Toilet Chronicles
*This post is an extension of the previous...
Many guys after pissing and touching their dicks, DO NOT WASH THEIR HANDS. So people, especially ladies, ALL SURFACES that people can touch? Yep, theres a very real chance that it has been touched by some dirty smelly unhygienic bugger who touched that exact same thing you are touching now after he touched his dick after he pissed. And he didnt wash his hands. Disturbing eh? And this includes lift buttons, elevator handholds, parking ticket AutoPay machines, etc HAHAHA!
Not to be outdone, I decided that since I lost the 'gross' debate, I would try to corner the 'funny' market in terms of the comparison of guys and girls toilets.
I once was in uni back in Melb, in the cubicle, pissing. Then I suddenly heard the main toilet door to the Gents open with a bang, then footsteps BANG BANG BANG rushhhhing in, someone running n breathing heavily, ran to the cubicle besides mine, then i heard the sound of a belt being unfastened, the sound of a zip being undone, trousers being lowered, and about 1 second later I heard the unmistable orchestraic sounds of diarrhoea, the staccato bursts of release of compressed..er..methane, and the guttural sighs of relief...a few seconds later the unmistakable waft of a certain pungent odor hit my nose, and gagging and half puking, I raced out the toilet.
Remembering conversations I had in my high school Add Maths class (those were the days), I brought them up and soon, we were all in stitches relating our 'personal' or so called 'told to me by a friend' experiences..
At work, I see a lot of men dressing well in nice professional attire, body fitting long sleeved shirts, tucked into tailored pants ending jus above the newly polished shoes, complete with belt to boot, and nicely coiffed hair. However, I have totally lost all awe for them because...the above scenario takes place at my workplace as well...and...somehow, after hearing certain tell tale sequences of sounds, e.g. the movement of the rubber hose followed by the sound of water running and then the sound of water+hand+slapping sound against flesh+like washing+rubbing etc..somehow.. you know behind the facade, behind the fact he is Boss, at the end of the day, we are all just weird gross creatures.
OK people? The following segment is not for the fainthearted, nor is it for general public consumption. If you are built of a weak constitution, for your own sake, do not read on. They include anecdotes from high school boys (me and my friends, many years ago) so you could probably tell its rather crass. If you are an anal person (oops, no pun intended), better stop right ....HERE.
- When the shit coming out is too long, what do you do? Why, you tighten the asshole, to 'break' it off, of course! And then continue to 'push' it out again!
- How do you prevent the shit hitting the water from making the water splash up onto your naked smooth butt cheeks? Why, FIRST you chuck in some toilet paper into the bowl, THEN you unleash your WWII arsenal, so when it hits, it will hit the paper, which acts as padding and absorbers, and nothing splashes back onto ya. Cool!
- Never spend too long from the time your shit has exited to the time you clean your ass coz depends on the amount of moisture in your shit, your diet, the timing, the coldness of the weather etc (further experiments are necessary for conclusive results) your shit will dry up and form a crust around the rim n edges of your asshole making it harder to clean up
- Never squat on a toilet bowl - sometimes they break, and as has happened before, the guy fell onto the cracked china, which cut him up good, and he lay there and bled to death.
- When using urinals guys, keep this in mind. I once saw (while working for a prominent client in KL, one of M'sia's biggest banks) some people of a certain race coming in, and all of them, after they pissed, with one hand holding their cuckoo bird, the second hand kept pressing the flush button, and when the water came out to FLUSH AWAY THEIR PISS, they collected this water with their second hand, washed n rubbed their dicks with this hand, then, TOUCHED THE FLUSH BUTTON AGAIN N PRESSED IT REPEATEDLY and then collect water wash dick again and repeated this for a few seconds..and when he walked away I glanced at the button and it was wet...then the next guy came in and did his business and then used it the proper way i.e. piss, press flush, walk away. Now this is EXTREMELY disturbing because I DO NOT want to TOUCH THAT WET BUTTON which the PREVIOUS USER touched after touching his dick!
- Many guys here, do not wash their hands after touching their dicks.
- A friend of mine, back in my uni days (no he wasnt from Melb Uni), decided to save the cost of buying toilet paper for his home (this bugger is not poor at all, he just likes to cut costs wherever he can. You would think that he is therefore financially sound right? Nooo...he uses the saved money for marijuana haha the bugger!). So what he did was, after classes, as students normally do, they walk into toilets to piss while carrying their bags. So he would enter cubicles and chuck the spare toilet paper rolls into his bag. And walk out and on home with these rolls. Soon, he even started to sell these rolls off cheap! Well..smart guy la in a way.
- Examples of graffiti in Melb would be:
* Call 0403 234 567 for some one on one gay sex! Call now, and we can meet 10pm tonight.
* Vote Liberals.
* John Howard is a fuckhead. Vote Kim Beazly!
etc...
- Examples of graffiti in KL would be:
* Eh ini Ah Moi Cina ini manyak shiok! Mana aweh semua pigi? [followed by drawings of very shapely women with slit eyes to denote that they are Chinese]
* Bob CINTA Minah 2002
* No words, just extremely extremely crude drawings of genitalia and acts of coitus
OK, the yuck factor of this post has gone on too long...haha.. at least I have made myself laugh hysterically in recalling recent and long ago conversations of yore...remember boys and girls..Love and Humor will save us all.
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