Self Inflicted Pain

When I was in school, there was a guy who was self abusive. Sitting beside him was a weird experience because the teacher would be saying something, and it would be hard to concentrate because the guy sitting next to me would be totally self absorbed in his own world scratching himself and his wrists and stuff with a compass.

He would use sharp objects, like the corners of metal rulers, compass, whatnot, to scratch and scrawl on himself, resulting in scabs and little red lines, welts and things.

It was v hard to concentrate in class and not be perversely fascinated and drawn to the self mutilation show going on a few inches from me. Of course, I never let on how I felt, or even that I was secretly fascinated and watching from the corner of my eye. I alwiz thought it would be cool if he accidentally cut his wrist too deep and he suddenly fell to the ground gasping as he held out his hands, palms upwards (ala Spiderman style as he shoots webbing) as the blood shot out in streams with each beat of his heat, to land a few metres away, or even to land on the teacher's face.

Problem was, this guy was super spoilt and pampered at home. He had no reason to act that way. His parents were loving, and loved him a lot. Now, there was this other girl who practiced this form of self decoration as well, but hers was a different case - she was a very, and legitimately so, unhappy child, who had no freedom and happiness, as her parents dominated her life. Anyway, back to my story.

I never could understand these morbid tendencies. Until I engaged in them myself.

You see, I've now got all these welts on my thighs thanks to my recent bout of self mutilation. But I have very good, albeit, stupid, reasons.

I find that my extremely bad habit of indulging in nocturnal activities til v late and then getting only 4 hours of sleep b4 another 12 hour work day is definitely eating into my productivity. My energy levels are bad, everything is bad, its dropping, I plod along...well thats a story for another day. Anyway so I tend to fall asleep or nod off or become v v v sleepy at work. And yesterday, I had to attend a v important meeting with some bigshots.

Normally I am ok. But yesterday's meeting, was boring as hell. And I was struggling to stay awake. Normally, what I do is, I pinch myself to stay awake. I would pinch the softest most tenderest part - i.e. the inside of my thigh. For the most part, it usually works. Yesterday I was so sleepy I think I was practically abusing and killing myself as I feverishly pinched and hacked at myself til I was tearing. I was so desperate I even started to yank at my leg hairs. But STILL I felt... badly.. sleepy and I could feel myself slipping away. I've alwiz feared actually waking up as my head hits the table with a thud, and then only I realized I had fallen asleep. That would be a Career Limiting Move of unbeatable and irreversible proportions.

Anyway thanks to my mildly successful and stupid strategies for staying awake (nxt time just sleep earlier la) I now v unproudly sport a couple of painful welts on my inner thighs. Excellent, excellent.

To make things worse, the other day, I did 1 hour of running on the treadmill (split into 2 sessions), had no warmups, and upped my weight on the Adductor machine from 40 to 50. Ended up, my inner thighs have been burning pain hell for 3 consecutive days and shows no signs of abating. It hurts so bad I might have torn my muscle, and walking is a bitch. Good thing I can sort of disguise it well or else it would seem like I am bowlegged AND have a serious case of piles.

Haih...Aish...Alex, Alex...pls sleep earlier...and its 2 15am...time to..sleep!