Estrangement

It is my conjecture that kids don't leave parents. It is, on the contrary, parents who drive away kids.

Which kid emerges into the world doggedly determined to get the hell as far away from the parent as possible?

The thing is this. Kids actually want to be good kids. We want to be good sons and daughters. And we DO understand that when they restrict what we do, it is out of what they perceive as 'for our own good' and towards our betterment, and that it is out of love. That is why, when we want to do something they oppose, we are open to the idea of neogtiation and discussions. We don't mind sitting down and hearing their side of the story, and then trying to compromise or find a middle ground. But we must talk logically and calmly, we must be rational and make a case for what we are trying to do and why.

Likewise, they have to do the same. They don't want us running ahead yelling and hollering that we are going to do it we are going to go ahead with it so fuck you. They likewise must not do that. All I am asking for is that you rein in and control your emotions. Let us sit down and talk properly, like 2 mature adults. You state your case, I state my case, lets understand each other, compromise and find a middle ground. You don't want me emotionally yelling and bulldozing my way through, so why do you then go and do that? So if you want to do that, does that mean I can do likewise? All I am asking for is that you rein in your emotions, control your goddamn outrageous emotional outbursts, and talk rationally, calmly, composedly. I really hate it when women react emotionally and just lose it, and start blabbering. Some colleagues are like that as well, and it makes me want to slap them to shut them up and bring them back to their senses. There is absolutely zero point in getting carried away, crying and wailing and all that. I mean, can't you build your case? Must you resort to just issueing blanket emotional demands?

We mean well and want to be well. What you need to do is to sit down calmly and we can talk about this rationally. If you insist on approaching conflicts in that manner, then you will definitely have to deal with the consequences and ineffectiveness of such a solution. It is as if making a rational case is beyond them, and they just have to resort to some sort of emotional hysteria and psychosis to threaten the other person into submission.

And I just won't have it. I am not curbing my life and its freedoms for some silly unfounded emotional hysteria. Just because an accident on the road on a motorbike happened to someone close to you 30 years ago, does that mean that forever I am banned from being on the road on anything 2 wheeled? Do I really have to curb my life to that extent? Well, people die from all sorts of things everyday; should I then also refrain from exposing myself to all that? Get a grip, get a life, get some perspective, before you chase everyone else away.

Why are some kids so hell bent on migration or getting away from their country? It's to get away from their parent/s. Oftentimes, a parent is so tunnel visioned in using whatever means to manipulate their children into behaving in accordance to their wishes, that they totally lose sight of the fact that their children are indivs with their own opinions too, and by doing this, they are flatly forcing the child into a situation where they have to lie, or they just have to get away from the overbearing, dominant, controlling parent, who insists on having almost blanket access into every part of the child's life.

Sometimes, parents just have to learn to let go. By doing so, they are in effect, pulling their kids closer.

I WANNA BREAK FREE!!

This job of mine, which I’ve been doing for the past 6 months, is not bad for the work in itself. It involves lots of number crunching and statistical analysis, and you can spot trends and stuff, which is pretty cool.

The problem is, the effing problem is, that it basically involves me sitting at my table for the entire day, the only exercise being the clicking of the mouse.

Now, anyone who knows me, will know that this is just not me. I made my name here as a dynamic, active person, always on the move, on the go, on the ball, and scooting around the production floor, marching from machine to machine, inspecting things and talking to people.

Now, I basically sit at my freaking desk, and people who walk past and see me here, always come up to me and express their sympathies. And everyone says, it is just so not me. Which I totally agree! Everyone thinks it’s a waste and a pity that I am slowly wasting away here, in this inactive state.

I hate walking in, pulling out my chair, and staying rooted to the same spot, and not moving throughout the entire work day, and just sit there. Which is why reading my basketball news online occasionally is so important, as it is my only way of tapping into something that remotely resembles sports. And sports is in my DNA.

It’s tough, it really is. This makes me really look forward to my basketball sessions, my (trying to re-kickstart it) gym sessions, and most of all, being able to just chill in the sun. That’s all I want, is to lie there in the sun, and chill, and feel the heat on my back. Really, and read a book.

I can feel myself becoming weak and falling sick. I can feel my myscles atrophying. This is a slow painful death. You might as well just slowly start stabbing me to death with a dessert fork. I NEED an active lifestyle.

Sports sports sports

Fittingly enough, in my first post back after a long hiatus I will be talking about sports and more precisely, the NBA Finals. Now, as most people who know me reasonably well can tell you, I am a rabid sports fan. I love intense thrilling competition, being involved in something exciting, adrenaline inducing and balls shrinking. In short, I am a testosterone junkie. While other like minded souls who are wired the same way would get their indulgences from racing cars, living life dangerously and recklessly, womanizing, I get mine almost exclusively from sports. The thrill of being in a tightly contested game, where the score is tied 10-10 and the first team to win by a 2 basket margin wins, and everyone knows what everyone is going to do, and everyone tries their best to pull out all the stops to stop everyone else, and then, in spite of them trying their utmost to stop you, you still do what it is you do, and then you beat them, and rip their hearts out in the process. That’s what it’s all about.

The mental state that I can get into while in the midst of a furiously paced, action packed, physical, toe to toe, evenly matched basketball game is addictive, is high and often times, an aphrodisiac. Hmm… if I can’t get my sports, I also like to get into adventure sports, with a fair amount of unpredictability and muscles involved, like white water rafting and abseiling.

But I digress…the most exciting event in the yearly calendar is back!!! Ladies please excuse your boyfriends for a bit. It is the NBA Finals, where the best of the best, the world champion, is truly decided. In this year’s historic matchup, we have the Boston Celtics against the LA Lakers. Now, I won’t expound on this too much, but c’mon, does this not evoke in one memories of Larry Legend and Magic? It’s too exciting! I miss my Astro. Reading about the espn online account of the games was enough to evoke goosebumps and enough adrenaline to send me soaring. I am itching to play, right now. The drama, the subplots, the matchups, the deserving Big 3, and I hate LA!!! Beat LA…goes the famous Boston chant, now taken up fervently by me.

Best sport in the world

On a slightly different note, how can people say football is better than basketball!? Well for one, if you want excitement and unpredictability, ok, then maybe football is more exciting to watch because the games hinge on just 1 game. The outcome is decided in just 1 game. But in basketball, the champion is decided over a series, with the first team to win 4 games taking it all. Isn’t that fairer, and a better way of establishing unequivocally who the BEST TEAM is? I mean, when you are trying to decide the best team, obviously winning 4 games will really require that you ARE the better team, and hence, you are deservingly crowned champions. Whereas, in football, the winner is only who was the better team that day.

So flukes can determine the winner. And that is not how we should determine the BEST TEAM. One has got to sustain their winning ways to be a champion.

At any rate, in a recent poll that espn conducted, and let us be very clear that ESPN screens about 22 times more football programmes than basketball programmes, the results indicated that among professional athletes themselves, they rated basketball as the more demanding sport, and as the sport with the fittest athletes. There you go!

In basketball, you are literally sprinting up and down the court for the entire game, with no rests. In football, the players around the ball are the ones mainly involved in the action. In basketball, you have only 5 players on the court from any team. That way, your contribution is vital and every move is critical, and any mistake magnified.

Anyway, Euro 2008 is starting soon, and I am getting caught up in the fever of it. Laid my bets. The 4 semifinalists will be Germany, Spain, Netherlands and the last one is a toss up between Portugal (if Christiano is on form…watch out), Italy (no Cannavaro) and France (dark horse).

It’s great to live in the world of televised sports!

Forgiveness

The Bible says we must forgive others for what have been done to us, and forgive ourselves for what we have done. In order to move on in life, we have to forgive others, and also to forgive ourselves. Until we can truly look back on events without any negative emotions, can we claim to have truly let go and have forgiven ourselves and others.

I have no problems with forgiving others. Really, when I look back, I do not feel the negative emotions, only the logical deductions of their actions. For instance, when I look back at a boss unfairly withdrawing promised support of me and leaving me out to dry, I no longer recall the feelings of disappointment, let down and betrayal. But I do remember the lesson learnt, the message, which is that among other behavior of his, this leads me to conclude that I can no longer work for him. This is not personal, just a reflection of a mismatched style and expectations. Hence, in this case, it is better for both parties to move on.

But for my personal life, it's tough trying to forgive myself and reconcile myself to the damage, hurt, loss/alteration of dreams that I have caused onto others. Due to my own immaturity, lack of wisdom and misplaced self belief (that my way of handling is best), I transgressed onto others. This is not something that can be forgotten easily or undone. It can never be undone or forgotten. The only way for them to move forward is to accept and forgive, which is a tough call. And I hate having put them into this situation. Because it is hard to forgive personal injustice, and either they have to do the difficult, i.e. forgive, or they are now sinners, i.e. unforgiving people.

I rationalize. I tell myself that we reap what we sow, and as long as we have given others an opportunity to match our expectations, as long as we articulate those expectations, when things don’t match, we can state a reasonable case to move on. And I thought (as it turns out, wrongly) I’d be able to accept such a situation as well if it was me. And we do what we can to lay down expectations, give chances when that is not met, and up to a certain cut off point, we draw the line, do what we got to do, and walk away, and that in itself is closure and the other party will be able to realize ok, hence, game over, asnd they'd be able to accept the logical reasons for the decision as well. I thought I was very logically driven.

But I have misread the human mind. When put into a similar situation where my repeated failure to meet expectations and ultimatums finally caused me to sow what I was reaping, I could not take it. Although the mind took it well, the heart couldn’t let go. And although I’m on a new lease of life, given a new opportunity to show who I am, I know that no matter what, I have caused Joanne’s first (and from now on, only) relationship to have such a terrible beginning. I have robbed her of that beautiful beginning. I can make the middle and the ending great, but the undeniable fact is that the beginning was not pure white. The only silver lining is that it taught us both many things. Situations like this either draw us closer, or create a wedge between us that we can try to bury but ultimately might rear its ugly head to tear us apart due to the lack of trust from her side, her different opinion of me, her judging my character based on a period of time where I was not myself, and perhaps her forgetting of the person I was before I made my mistake in life. I hope these don't happen.

At the same time, though I gave HY much chances as well, and laid clear to her my expectations, and I know I am not to blame for her taking it badly, I feel guilty n concerned. Is it not hypocritical of me to ask from one what I wouldnt give to another? Although, I did give her chances, and now, I must be fair to Joanne.

So I need to learn to forgive myself for my transgressions onto others, which is easier, as it is basically a matter of rationalizing to oneself. And that is much easier than others forgiving me, which is out of my control.

A break...that's all I ask

So, after being tormented, worried, confused, and driven insane with mental wonderings and questions, fears, doubts, insecurities, and sitting around in my car aimlessly, I finally decided to drive myself to the nearby cyber cafe. A couple of admin things to follow up on.

- Check emails which I havent done for 2 weeks.
- Check anything from HSBC (Aus) or not.

Been really annoyed. First, there's been no internet access for the last 2 weeks thanks to Streamyx's as usual periodic breakdowns. Secondly, I am being driven nuts by the fact that I made an AUD16,000 transaction and for the last 2 weeks it has not gone through and it is driving me nuts and insane with worry. I've called and called like 30 times, and from morning til afternoon til evening til night til midnight and somehow the blooody problem cannot get resolved. Thirdly, the work Lotus Note has been acting up and is all screwed up, which needs to be rectified. Again. Talk about bad luck coming in threes, right? NooOooo...

Theres also the mother to think of. Her ill health in recent times has gotten me really worried. She is aging in front of my very eyes and her hair loss has gotten me v concerned. It makes me feel guilty to think of migrating and her being all alone here. I really really wish she had remarried when she was younger. Guilt is worse than being potentially mistreated by a stepfather. Coz when he grows old I can get him back. But you can never repay or be good enough to your mum for beinging you up alone.

And then there's work. I cannot even begin to describe the expectations, stresses, pressures placed on me. Dilbert said it so true when he said that in the corporate world, we are often told to make this n this project work, to cover up for the fact that the project was badly started, and we are just saving our boss' ass. Furthermore, there's so much demands, and there's more audits coming up, and finally...let me give some background. Already I handle 70% of VMI work for the company. My counterpart handles the other 30%. However, this colleague has resigned, and left, leaving an ad hoc committee of 3 people to now do her 1 person's job. In our inability to find a suitable replacement, now I have to double hat. Let me tell you, the work and pressure is not insignificant.

Additionally, I am having serious doubts and worries about my career path, job selection in the future, and the important question of what do I want has yet to be answered.

Read a book last night, which basically said ask not what I want, but what God wants for me, which would make it easier. So Joanne's way of abiding by the above is to apply for everything that appeals, and whichever job we land, would have God's hand and seal of approval on it. Because I do not have that faith, I am now worrying bout the strength of my faith, and it really disappoints myself, and steps will be taken to address it.

Added to and above all this, there is the spectre of the constant worrying, stressing, fearing, being insecure, and the tormenting confusion and perpetually expecting something terrible to befall me.

Recognition & Acknowledgement

This week’s sermon was quite interesting and arresting. A late night before had taken its toll on me and unfortunately, I am ashamed to admit that I fell asleep for the first bit. However, his second bit captured my attention. In telling us that we ought to be this and that, I found that much of what he said we should behave like (from what he gleans from and how he interprets the Bible) are already character traits that I have tried to inculcate in my behaviour from a young age. I find that when I was younger I was perhaps more disciplined and led a much more character-ed life. However, as it is, I think recent years have just served to bring out and display the worst in me, and not just bring out, but possibly develop it as well.

At any rate, two things he said stuck. All men have a need to be acknowledged and to be recognized. If at work, fair enough, because it translates into one’s income. However, off work, it is vital to remember that either you don’t do something, or you do it out of love, and if it is done out of love, it is the outcome of your act that is important, hence one should not need to feel appreciated/loved/acknowledged for that deed. If one feels somewhat unappreciated etc, then one should re-examine one’s true intent for performing that deed. That sort of response is welcome, but if it doesn’t come, one should not dwell on it at all. The second thing is that people always threaten colleagues with quitting. That is a thought that I am guilty of. The knowledge that they need me more and that I can just walk and THEN we’ll see where they are, and the capacity to utilize this negatively, is a very bad thing to use as a lever, even if kept to myself.

Must endeavour to lead a more principally correct life out of a genuine desire to be that sort of person, and not just because the Bible says so. Fear of God is fine, but I rather be a good person out of being a good person, rather than because of a fear of God’s retribution.

I hate ulcers

I hate ulcers.

It is bad enough I look like a frigging idiot, as it were. Bad haircut, terrible features, everything bad aside, to add to it, I’ve got, for the past several days, the worst and most painful ulcer on my upper lip. It’s on the left side.

Just the other day, Joanne remarked curiously and in a state of genuine interest, “Ooh, your upper lip that side is curiously shaped!”. She was mildly excited, the poor girl. But I think she was just being polite, because it sure as hell looks hideous. It’s not obvious, not visible from the outside, but it has rendered my already swollen lips to golliwog proportions. This is so not funny or sexy.

It isn’t how it looks that really bugs me. After all, another spot of ugliness wouldn’t have much effect. It is like just another drop in the ocean, you got my drift? It’s more like…the crappy feelings in incites, the annoying ouch factor whenever I eat or as much as have anything come into contact with it.

The most comfortable position is to just sit there with my mouth slightly agape, lips not touching, to avoid the pain, and just watch as the drool slowly drowns myself.

To make things worse, I somehow, don’t ask me how, scalded my tongue, so that it is perpetually dry and feeling like it needs water.

This is a sucky situation to be in. May I ask that time fast forwards to 2 months from now? Please?

Bad Hair Day? Try 2 months.

Just when you think the ugly cannot get uglier, they go for a haircut.

Now, already as it is, my looks leaves much to be desired, hence, I need to hold together and desperately hang on to every little thing that could possibly create an illus ional and misleading effect that deludes people into thinking that I look better than I really do. So, forgetting that important point, I marched into the hairdresser’s yesterday, intending to obtain for myself one of those very close cropped crew cuts. You know the kind that closely resembles a very short military buzz cut (without the flat top), that many footballers sport.

I thought that it would make me look younger, smaller, and perhaps, more like a little round monk. But most of all, I just wanted the practicality and neatness.

So I jaunted into the joint, threw myself into the specified chair, barked out my instructions (in a very polite and kind way, of course) and settled back happily, and dived straight into the arresting Bill Bryson book that I’d brought. I was happily immersed in it when I happened to glance up while flipping a page, about 15 minutes later.

I glanced up and saw a stranger looking back at me. Now, for some odd obscure reason, I had no idea what a stranger was doing in my mirror, but I dismissed it and went back to my book.

For 2 seconds.

When I realized that the ugly mug belonged to me. And it definitely was neither a GI Jane or Sinead O Connor.

It was more like… what the fuck!?!

So I very demurely gulped, counted to 10, clenched my fists, and then asked in a very controlled manner, excuse me, is this the haircut I asked for?

Response: Yes. You wanted short n round all over right? And you wanted blah blah..x x.. blah..xx… right?

At this point I was visualizing an eternity and lifetime of squawking around in those brown paper bags with 3 holes cut in for the eyes n mouth, and perhaps, rearranging the neat little face of my hairdresser. What I wanted to tell him was ‘you sorry fishhead, you waste of earthly resources you, I wanted a close cropped crew cut, not a whatever hack job you call this is, you sorry wimp, don’t take your personal life crisis out on ME, you flipazoid!’.

Instead, what my real response was: Ah, but of course.

Don’t think I didn’t catch you, wiseguy. Perhaps my guy was distracted coz he was alternating between me and the leggy girl in very short shorts sitting directly diagonally opposite me, displaying her long legs very distractedly.

Luckily Bill Bryson is talented and funny, and I much preferred to focus on his talents. But I am afraid to say I cant say likewise for my hairdresser.

Nevermind.

I look like a Chinese coolie now. It is not so much a matter of vanity and of looking like a pimp. It is more a matter of not trying my damdest to sabotage myself further and further destroy all chances I have of emerging on the streets without incurring a snigger or 2.

I will b washing my hair everyday and soaking it in beer from now on. [Its been known to stimulate follicle growth.]

Speaking of which, I think my experiment to grow out a baby goatee has come to an unseemly end as well.

Male - O Grams - Attraction

Attraction is a very odd thing.

Some people say that for men, first there is lust, and then come feelings. Hence, men never fall for women who aren’t gorgeous and beautiful. And also this is no good, because the foundation of their feelings is lust, hence once they no longer find her attractive, they no longer have feelings for her. They say that when a man says that he has fallen out of love, he basically firstly thought that she was no longer physically desirable.

I beg to differ. There IS a legion of us out there who are more honourable. Granted, please do remember that most of the men you’d meet nowadays will belong very at home in the above paragraph, but there are, not many, granted, but there are, a few of us who befits the below descriptions.

Say Jack and Mary are friends. Initially, Jack probably never thought much more of Mary than as a friend. She was neither exceptionally drop dead gorgeous, nor was she ugly. She was a very normal girl to him. As friends, they spend time hanging out, doing things friends do, getting to talking a bit. So over time, when her personality and character has imprinted themselves on him, he begins to feel a fondness for her. It is at this point Jack starts to realize that at times, Mary is actually quite pretty and that at other times, she looks much better than originally thought. He attributes this to the fact that he never paid much attention to her, and now that he does, and has spent more time with her, he is able to notice her attributes. As time goes by and their relationship develops some more, this feeling also becomes deeper. Now, when he thinks of Mary, it evokes in him feelings of attraction and of wanting physical contact, such as stroking her hair, smelling her scents, etc.

Say by now Jack has strong feelings for Mary. He cannot help feeling the instinct to look after and protect Mary, to make her happy and to provide her needs and wants as best he can. Additionally, he is very attracted to her, and thinks that she is gorgeous and beautiful, and he can’t help thinking and feeling so. He thinks she has such great this and that and doesn’t see any flaws. And he can’t help articulating this to her, that he thinks that she is beautiful.

Some argue that had he not thought she was pretty, he wouldn’t have felt anything for her that was of a romantic nature. But that is wrong; because that assumes very cynically that every step of feeling along the way was deepened after a realization that she was prettier and prettier. This does not take into account the possibility that the feelings can happen in parallel that first the feeling comes, and then he finds her attractive. And as long as he continues to have feelings for her, and continues to love her, also in the verb sense of the word, he will continue to have wild desire for her and to think that she is very attractive.

This helps to explain some issues.

It is a strange human phenomenon that those whom we once found irresistibly attractive can fall by the wayside when we no longer have romantic feelings for them. Secondly, it also explains why it is difficult to feel strong desire for those who might be objectively and commonly judged as ‘better looking’ than our loved ones.

These 2 facts, and the possibility that they may be true for some men, are immediately dismissed from the word go, merely based on the fact that we are men, and are hence unfairly lumped into the same category as 90% of the other slimy specimens who unfortunately also occupy the same category.

Family

Family is important to me. I am who I am as a result of a large influence on my upbringing by my family and extended family. We are a close bunch. We try to make each other better people although we ourselves might not necessarily be so, and thats what families are like.

The last few months was good. My eldest sister came back to stay, with my most beloved and wonderful niece. My youngest sister was back on holiday from her Masters in Perth. My second sister came back several times. And this being the month of Christmas and CNY and the NY, we had lots of family gatherings, which was great.

And now life returns to normal. The eldest has gone back to Beijing, the second is off on her travels with SIA, and the youngest is about to leave the house to the airport and go back to Perth. It's back to being just me and my mum.

I really wished I had spent more time with them. I wanted to, but that being a turbulent and whirlwind few months in my personal life, I didnt get to spend as much time as I wanted to.

The house is quiet again.

Living with my mum would be good if only she didnt get so difficult at times. I receive flak for being perceived to be unfilial but unbeknownst to all, is the fact that I indeed turned down job offers back in my beloved Melbourne, and also delayed my previously planned move to Singapore, in order for her to not be left alone. And in my other ways, I do care and let it manifest. For example, in influencing her to have a healthier diet and lifestyle. None of this is known, seen or understood. It's ok. I can take the fall and bad rep. At the end of the day, it is her not being alone that counts, not the perception of me. But the trouble is, she has to be easier to live with, which she isn't.

Of trips and islands

I was looking forward to this business trip, up North, to Penang. Things were settling with Joanne, my progression with her and our relationship was progressing well and our plans to go to Sydney were being discussed on a much more concrete and solid basis, with our resignation dates all planned out. Career wise, things haven't been exactly roses, but keeping in mind the big picture, I was satisfied with its status and progress. Currently rolling out a national initiative that would soon place the entire distribution of our products directly under my control, I would then be able to use this platform to launch a drive into regional markets. Things were pretty much in control, happy, progressing well, and I had no complaints.

There is someone who was once a very big part of my past and was very important to me. However, that belonged to the past, we had our times and our era, but situations have changed and given the chances that we had to rectify things but let slip, there are no more chances as well. Feelings, the most important motivational factor for a relationship to have a reason to exist, is also gone. Hope is beyond reach. Trying to let her down as gently as possible, I have accelerated my attempts to point out to her the futility of her endeavours, and to tell her gently to move on and not waste her life pining for one who would never return, and to go and find someone whom can bring her the happiness she wanted but could not get from me. It is occurring to me that perhaps all this could be leading her on, and I think it is time to fully extricate myself, as holding on to the past is hampering the ability of the present and future to occur. Perhaps this is the biggest favor I can now do her, from a humane point of view, and given we had spent the better part of a decade together.

But my efforts and concentration and attention are now solidly on the present and future. Coming up here on this business trip, I was so looking forward to visiting Joanne's house and school where she grew up in and spent her formative (clearly presenting lots of experiences which shaped that character) years. Took the ferry over from the island to the mainland, and was filled with thoughts of those people in HK who take the ferry to the mainland, and to this Tony Parsons book where his character met his wife on one of those rides.

The ride was good, filled with good emotions, anticipation, memorable flitting in and out of possible novel plots ( my eternal wish: write a bestseller!) and was only occasionally interrupted by the Indian lady behind me rubbing her feet together while kicking my laptop. It was surely the most convoluted display of breastroke I've ever seen.

Dinner (albeit late) with Jo's mum went well, and it was great to feel her warmth and caring. Cullen was his usual sullen self, but I've come to expect it from Jo's cousins. Desmond is the one whom I really do care strongly about, and Cullen too, I am fond of him, but as for the Sydney siders, it is to my regret that I find no favour with those who find none with me. Yes, you can judge the sin, but you have to live your life by that Book upon which you strongly profess to be a strong upholder of it's Word. Really, let he who hath no sin cast the first stone, and let no man judge another man.

But nevermind.

So this was a good trip, and I truly did feel a slight thrill. Business trips always do that for me, though the last one down South was spoilt. But ah, anyway. This was was in the totally opposite direction, metaphorically and literally. Checked into the hotel, and had previous fantasies of taking a nice shower, a bath possibly, and wandering about with my laptop and perhaps sitting in the lounge or Coffeebean (that hot chocolate? It's to die for!) and typing away and blogging away. It's been a while since I have had this lifestyle of mobility and Internet access on the go with my laptop. And I miss it so!

In the end, more shattering revelations about my conduct and others' conduct and its implications on me altered the mood. And I ended up tapping away on the keyboard intermittently through the night, and now it is morning.

A hot bath (complete with jacuzzi, oh boy) later, and I shall post this off, from my room, before I head down to meet with Pat to continue Day 2 of work. Breakfast will be skipped, due to the lack of appetite.

Well, work beckons. Realities of life.

Irony

Life is sometimes quite ironic, and throws curveballs after curveballs at ye.

It was said, History is the consequence of characters meeting circumstances.

As an armchair critic, it is infinitely easy to sit there and poke holes and people, point fingers and take the horal high ground and claim what they would do if it was them. Sure. I also know what I would do if I was Adolf Hitler. The exact same as he. Coz then I'd BE him, shaped as he was.

Who is to say who is right and wrong? To really understand a man, it was said, get off that chair and walk a mile in his shoes. Then and only then have we earned that right to criticize.

It is a terrible thing, but yet possibly one that brings a sardonic smile to my emotionless lips right now, to find that attempts to spare everyone and let everything come to fruition as I have tried to let them know, is again, backfiring with dramatic consequences. In my efforts to bring about a peaceful resolution to the situation, yet again it has been realized (by myself) that my 'ends justify the means' tactic (which I unconsciously and unintentionally employed) is again hindering the arrival at the means. Trying to make things better and give what was promised and appease the parties involved, albeit dubious means, just dug the grave deeper.

Hence, efforts to bring about good endings have failed, and things must come to a head, a conclusion. And ironically, the endings have probably led to unintended endings and beginnings, and wrought irreversible damage on everyone.

What, oh what, have I done.

Of shut doors and padlocks

Everything was supposed to be perfect and beautiful.

But alas, it was not to be..

Methods that hadn't worked were discovered, more methods that were prescribed yielded the same results, and this last resort was attempted, and even this attempt was botched.

Hence there will be no further attempts. The door is shut.

Conversations with Him

Yesterday was a good day! Went to church, went to my new favourite mall, the Pavillion, had hearty lunch, had a reading session in Times, where Joanne tried to get me to read up on what style of a flirter I was. Didn’t even know that things like that existed! Just a simple lazy Sunday, the way I like my Sundays.

Last night, I couldn’t sleep. Was quite happy actually, had Joanne over for dinner, dropped her off, and even did some silly poses for her because she wanted to photograph me. Driving home at night though I was seized by a hope, and optimism. New year, new hope. New day. New me, new life. Had my resolutions on my thumbdrive to bring to work this morning to print out (which I did already! 3 copies too!). Then had a chitchat family bonding session til late (coz the whole family is back, a rare occasion), and talked about future plans and stuff. Quite a fruitful discussion and found out where they stood on things, we both sides corrected some misconceptions. After that, time for bed. But couldn’t sleep due to some noisiness downstairs near my room, so ended up sleeping in the other room that was vacant due to a leaky roof (thankfully it didn’t rain last night!).

Lay there quite long, and couldn’t sleep. Somehow big empty room devoid of furniture, dark, the silence, the heat, the hard tiles, the discomfort, all I had was 1 blanket, no pillow even. And I started thinking, and thought of what I used to be, what people used to think of me, what I have done recently, what people now think of me, and I felt an overwhelming sense of regret n sadness. How some people, you want them to see a certain side of you, and you have never shown them so, and you are afraid you might never have that opportunity.

Then amidst the discomfort, perhaps due to it, I suddenly thought of Jesus. Of Him. Why, I don’t know. But as I was feeling feelings of deep sorrow rising inside, deep regret, deep self hatred for the hurt n worry inflicted on others, and real remorse, suddenly I felt very calm when He entered my thoughts.

And I started thinking of Him more..and fell asleep with him on my mind. This morning, I woke when it was still dark out, and suddenly felt much better, and sat up, and started to pray.

I prayed for the hurt and worry I inflicted on others, that others may be able to forgive me and for the wounds to be healed and for them to walk upright again.
I prayed for the blood on my hands.
I prayed for the sins I did and the sins I might have forced others to do.
I prayed for placing others in positions where they have to be forgivers.
I prayed for forgiveness most of all, to forgive me for those I have hurt.
I prayed for the dirty n bad thoughts I might have caused others to think.
I prayed that I would have the power and discipline to be a good Christian first, to do the right things.
I prayed for more presence, and pledged to read my bible more with Joanne, to pray together, to behave in a good way, that would firstly make myself good, and then from there, draw others to me.
I really want to submit my life and let him manage it, and to consult him for all major decisions in my life. Let my life be according to His will, and not mine. Whatever he deems is right, is right. If signs keep pointing against my will, I will obey.
I decided to register today for the classes that would eventually lead to water baptism.

So one of my resolutions for the year is more presence. How do I go about it?
church, more punctually.
attend classes, aim for water baptism.
contact fga regarding cell groups/bible study groups.
prayer every morning, every night, in between.
read bible every night.
pray together with Joanne.
think of Him all the time.
constantly ask myself, WWJD?

Theres something about waking up to a dark room, its dark n quiet outside, and the room is empty, and im sitting up on the cold barren floor tiles with no pillows, and praying and making pledges with God. Its almost like I can feel n sense he is around, he is listening, and like im making a direct connection, that he can hear me. Its not like in church where my tiny whisperings are just a bunch of the zillions of ppl simultaneously praying in churches ard the world. Its like due to the quietness, suddenly in god’s bedroom, my lone voice is the one he hears, loud n clear. And im infused with inspiration to do right.

First goal:

- make myself good, and known as a Christian, and be a good Christian.
- Bring strayed or weak Christians closer back again to god.

High Jumper

Calvin once told Susie that he was happier and luckier than her for getting a C in his test scores, even though she got an A. His rationale was that he found life much easier the lower he kept everyone’s expectations.

That is quite smart. As Jo told me, undersell, over deliver. Well, at work, each time I meet an expectation, they raise the bar. I’ve never felt unconfident facing the challenges, always thought I could get it done. This time around, I am facing the biggest challenge, which also could very likely be a fine feather in my cap in terms of my career. If I decide to stay on in this line, this would really be a fine achievement. And I do look forward to the challenge. But really…it is a little tiring always stretching to reach the bar that ever rises.

At any rate, I am going to set certain personal standards for myself for the year. I will not set the bar low or high. I merely will set it at a reasonable target so I am not deluding myself when I say it, and at the same time, it is also what I want to be. It is high time that I start setting down some baselines for myself.

I want to:

- Go back to being the simple, straight thinking guy I’ve always been.
- Impose certain disciplinary standards on myself such as regularly exercising, eating breakfast, etc.
- Be a good reliable trustworthy colleague as well that generates confidence in superiors.

OK, that’s just to start off with. Gotta run, continue this post later…

*Kisses Jack goodnight*...[goodbye Jim, goodbye my love]

People say guys start maturing around their mid twenties, and prior to that, are still a bit unstable and immature. I’d say that I agree, in the majority of cases. There are happy and lucky occasions where the girl and the guy’s maturity are even, and they grow together and then get married, and there are occasions where the girl’s maturity exceeds his, but she has faith in him and stands by him patiently until he grows up and then they get married. This is probably one of the greatest shows of love and faith she can display, for essentially, she is gambling with her time, which to most girls today, denotes youth and the best years of their life, so in essence, they are really putting all their hopes on you, and truly love you, for being willing to do that.

The third and probably most common is that girls nowadays crave and yearn for firstly security and stability from their guy. Second to that comes their love for him. So, they might like Jim most, but if Jim is still not quite there in terms of stability and security, and there is Jack who is older, more stable emotionally and character-wise, and more secure financially, and who likes her and treats her well, they will in all likelihood run for Jack. Coz Jim is an unknown proposition. He might or might not make it, and they don’t want to take that risk of him not making it, so hence they run for Jack. And they prefer to live with that, rather than gambling on having it all with Jim. Most girls aren’t risk takers or gamblers that way, or their parents will influence them towards Jack and most girls are quite obedient still. There is this perception that older men are wiser, more experienced, more mature. I think that that is probably true, but older men are also less controllable, less idealistic and loving, more protective of themselves, more able to use those things to control the girl and press the right buttons. Ah, but girls love that and the feeling of being under a certain type of control, and they think wow the older guy is wiser and smarter, can make her feel like he is so great, teach her so much etc.

There is the male equivalent of the above phenomena, though with looks and naivety probably replacing maturity, security, stability, etc. Humans are just such suckers aren’t they?

The scholars, and most other guys (the ones who aren’t actively doing the above said and the ones who are able to match wits with girls their age, and don’t have to stoop to impress younger girls who can match them though having lived less) agree with me on this, and we have many strong opinions on it, which I feel quite lazy to type out at the moment so shall park aside for now, if at all I intend to post it up. It’s strange that back from high school up until a few years ago, girls would join us in snickering at guys who couldn’t find dates their own age, and had to resort to going out with younger girls, yet now, girls are the ones who actively look for older guys just as much as older guys look for younger girls.

I guess whatever makes the world tick huh?

Most people do believe love can be cultivated, so girls are encouraged to just choose the one whom can surely give u a good life (financial stability), emotionally stable and mature (strong and consistent), reliable trustworthy (won’t look for other girls), simple minded (easy to control), spend time with him, and over the years, will grow to develop a fondness for him that after years of his undying affection, will turn to love. Don’t worry about not loving him now, don’t worry about his looks.

As for dumb ol Alex, I will follow where my heart takes me, be it Jim or Jack, and live with the consequences. I cannot love a cruel, selfish, materialistic girl. I know I have made my mistakes. Most people have. The important point is to learn from them and never to repeat the mistake again. I have had enough drama to last me a lifetime, and just want to revert to my simple dumb unassuming ways again. I found my not Jim, not Jack, but my Joanne.

Ah, never-ending topics, so much to talk about, so much to debate over, but alas, work beckons. Not good to blog during office hours. Perhaps I shall continue later, then again, perhaps not.

Yes, I do

Suddenly I find that I have reached that age. Guys nowadays, they tend to get married in their late twenties or early thirties or somewhere in between. The prevailing and popular theory is, besides the rule of there being exceptions to every theory, that guys will start maturing only around the age of 26, 27. And it is only around that age that they are able to afford to get married and have a stable career and the likes. Prior to that age, savings are low, and their mentality isn’t stabilized yet.

Well, I am 25, but I feel ready to leave bachelorhood and its many joys behind. Oh for sure I will still partake and indulge in occasional guys’ nights out, sports, etc. But I am ready to have my one life companion, the one whom I want beside me and I want to be beside through thick and thin, sickness and good health, until death do us part. And with this person beside me, I will have no more distractions and can just focus on my career, starting a family, etc. It is better to start a family earlier, and not wait until we are old and less energized and still have to deal with babies, and upon retirement, we can still have some youth and vitality to enjoy life. It would be good to have a year after marriage without kids yet, but if timing is tight, it is fine to jump right into it.

In order to get married, a guy needs character, maturity, and financial stability. Character and maturity comes from life experiences, observations, influences, personal nature, and upbringing. What I have full control of is financial stability. The goal now is to make sure that in 2 years time, if I want to get married, I can have that option financially. I’ve probably left this one year too late, but better late than never. Character and maturity is something that I am picking up rapidly, and will continue to focus on developing everyday.

Of late find myself thinking of and wanting to get married and begin that next part of my life. I mean, if one has found someone to share their rest of their life with, why wait?!

Self reflection & taking stock

Almost 2 months ago, I turned 25.

I remember when I was significantly younger, several years ago. I used to think gosh, 22, 23 year olds are so old. Such a long time away still. I imagined things would be somewhat different to what they now are. I used to think mid twenties clubbers are like a bit past their prime for such activities. And I used to think when I hit the working world, I’d hit it like a rocket blasting into space, aggressively, like an unleashed angry boxer swinging away at a hated opponent. And I used to think by the time I am 25, I will be so and so, and have achieved such and such.

Gosh…upon reflection, I think I totally missed the target.

For one, up to last year, I was still hitting the clubs. I did hit the working world full of gung ho, but after finding happiness in my personal life, which possibly could have taken some of the edge off me, I have relented a bit and my relentless push has blunted somewhat. Rather spend time with valuable people rather than working. And now that I am 25, I am not really any so and so, nor have I many achievements to show for consuming valuable earth resources for the last 24 years. Gosh, so how did I end up here?

For one, I think I stopped my previously regular habit of constant self reflection, pause, look at my tracks and where it has led me, and where it is leading and will lead me. Had I stopped and taken stock of my situation more often, I would realize that I was deviating, and would hence have taken the necessary steps to right myself again.

But it’s not too late. For 2008, I don’t have many resolutions. I just want to stick to the lists I made in 2007, and really let the character development observations and initiatives I posted up on the 31st infuse themselves in me. 1 thing I will actively do more though will be to stop and take stock of my situation. I know what my end goals are. So everything I do, I must ask myself: does this take me closer to or further from my end goal?

2007: A recap

There has been a lot of things that I wanted to blog about, a lot of observations and stupid anecdotes and experiences here and there. But I will save that for another day. Seeing as this will be my very last post of 2007, I want to make it slightly more meaningful.

It's been a year of mostly ups and some severe downs, a heckuva rollercoaster ride. If you watched a movie of my 2007, there would be many moments where you'd lean forward and yell into the screen at me "No! Don't do that!". And looking back, I wish someone HAD done that. I try to live by the philosophy of no regrets, and in my first 24 years of life, I'd say I do have a couple but nothing too great, nothing that will haunt me forever, nothing that I cannot live down. But 2007 will be a year marked by some of my deepest regrets.

In 2007, retrospectively, I find myself behaving very uncharacteristically, and am ashamed at how I handled situations. I have done things that are very unlike me, and sometimes to the extent that I myself cannot reconcile to myself what I did. And people whom I have confided in, or who have seen how this has affected me, have all pointed this out. Those who know me longest and best are concerned and worried as to what the hell is wrong with me and what compelled me to behave so, and that they never would have thought it possible coming from me. Well that just shows people really can do what they are not expected to huh? To summarize it, I have shocked, upset, disappointed, let down, and hurt a great deal of people, people who care for and love me. Respect has flown out the window. Where did my maturity, sense of righteousness, courage, responsibility, intellect, go to? Does this mean that my previous goodness, the Alex hitherto that earned me everyone's good graces, was not sustainable? Why did I behave so? In order to root out and fix my behavioral issues and to ensure it does not happen again, I needed to take a big step back and really take a look at myself. When a mistake is made, it is made. Just understand how it came about, and take care to ensure it does not recur.

To keep things short simple sustainable and to improve incrementally, people should not suddenly set numerous high targets. This ensures failure upon review. I want to focus on incremental improvement, small steady steps, short term goals, which would lead to, over a period of time, sustained improvement, and in itself becomes a habit, ensuring that I improve at a realistic sustainable rate.

To close 2007, here are 5 key lessons I learnt:

#1 - Always tell the truth. This means never doing anything you might need to lie about. Also, it means when people ask for the truth, give it. Whatever the consequences, deal with it. Either they can take it hence they asked for it, or, they can't take it, in which case, there is nothing we can do because we did what we did, and we just have to move on and deal with it. Consistency is key. And trust is almost impossible to regain, but we are trying.

#2 - Don't be weak/wishy washy/indecisive. Especially when being so is extremely selfish and self centered, because the consequences of the above actions' effect on others will be something that is not right, something that others don't deserve, and something that will haunt our conscience.

#3 - I need to look beyond myself more and think of the consequences of my actions on those I love, need to grow up fast and be more mature. Part of this involves seeing things as facts, seeing things as they are, being matter of fact, and moving according to the brain and less according to emotion. To think further, to be able to discern right from wrong, and to live a more principle centered life. Principle centeredness will help me do the right thing.

#4 - Watch what I say. Intention does not actually amount to much. Don't have to say what I wish/hope/would like/really want. Just go and get it done. Otherwise, saying it out but not delivering it even though it was an expression of intention could be misinterpreted as unfulfilled promises, yet another manifestation of irresponsible, unreliable and immature behavior.

#5 - You can never totally shake off your past. Things I did yesterday which I regret today and try to face, accept, resolve, and then push away, might still come back and haunt me tomorrow. Hence, live such that when tomorrow comes, and I look back at today, there is nothing that I want to shake off and don't want to/can't talk about.

And below are 5 key things to implement in myself moving forward into 2008:

#1 - Stick to my resolutions.

#2 - Mistakes made are mistakes made. There is no point talking about or harping on them or to keep them in the back of my mind and let them fester and rot me away and cast a grey pall over me and prevent me from living and enjoying life. The key thing is to use it as an opportunity to understand myself and why I made that mistake. That will lead me to not repeat the same thing twice. Understand how and why it was made. Don't repeat. Move on.

#3 - Never forget, always remember the 5 key lessons above.

#4 - Must make a concerted effort to identify the best possible human being I can be in every respect, and make a real push for it. Have to at least match back to the high standards I believe I was and can be better than. Where I fall short of my own or others expectations, so be it. The important thing is to at least try to get myself to where I want to go, make myself the sort of person I want to be. If I am then what she wants, wonderful. Else, at least I know I tried, and did all I could that is within my control.

#5 - Have more of God's presence.

In Summary

Pride comes before the downfall. Thought I was well on my way to all around goodness. Oh how far wrong I was. Due to I myself being immature, not ready, irresponsible, selfish, cowardly, short-sighted, I ended up behaving very uncharacteristically in 2007. Thus that led to a year of my life's biggest mistakes, deepest regrets, most shameful moments. Which let down, hurt, upset, disappointed a lot of people, not least of all, myself. It was a damning and humbling year, but it was also the year I was reminded of God's greatness.

What is done is done. Just have to let go, and look forward and march. Forget the scars, the wounds inflicted on others, because guilt and conscience should not be the reasons I behave in certain ways towards others. Remember and live everything I said above, and most of all, learn to trust God and His ways, ask for forgiveness, for His grace to forgive the many wrongs I have done, and to really leave the management of my life to Him, and not to Man and his 'logic' and reasoning. Look where my flawed logic n reasoning has gotten me! God can do no wrong, though it does not always initially appear so. This whole fiasco might yet have a silver lining. At the very least, it has really forced me to examine myself and realize what a terribly flawed and immature human I am and how much I need to change and improve. I just hate that the price was the emotional distress this caused to others.

And so, 2008, I look to you with open arms, with faith and hope and excitement, just to see what God's plans for me are. Goodbye 2007, thanks for the lessons, though you charged an exorbitant price. This way in 2008! This way!

Today's mid 20s man

Today, in his early twenties, the typical guy thinks about, in no particular order:

- Getting laid
- Finishing his degree
- Sports
- Hoping to find a good graduate job
- Getting laid
- Looking good
- Girlfriend
- Hanging out
- Cybercafes
- Getting laid

The last thing on his mind is stability, deciding on a career, religion, marriage, savings, investments, children, love, commitment, having control of his life etc.

When he hits his mid twenties he becomes aware of the importance of the above. He realizes the importance of money, the necessity for savings, investments, etc. He might start to take some action towards the tangible hard copy self serving stuff like savings, investments, career. But the soft stuff like character development, personality refining, control of his life, religion, finding the right wife, starting a family, where to settle his family, marriage, children, commitment, things like that don't come into proper focus until his late 20s, when he decides to do something about it.

Say what you will but it seems to me that guys who marry in their mid twenties arent quite ready to settle down compared to guys who are 30, 31 (who are also not quite ready to settle down but do it coz its that time in life).

I am now in my mid twenties. Right now I want to talk about one aspect of my life which is coming more and more into focus lately, and in fact, the clarity of this and the strength of this desire is starting to burn and etch a hole in my retinas.

OK drama aside, lets start shall we?

I don't like this bachelor life anymore. I don't like this instability and uncertainty and mucking around. What I crave, perhaps as a result of my own upbringing and lack of a fatehr figure, is to find that one right one, marry her, and proceed to our happily ever after.

I have identified 3 things that I need to be before I can fully call myself ready to get married.

1) Character is mature and good.
2) Sick of bachelor life, craving for and looking forward to life as a husband of so and so and doing things together as a couple that is not just gf/bf stuff.
3) Financially ready.

A friend of mine, born in the same year, albeit several months older, recently proposed to his gf who is a few months older than him. That kicked off a lot of thoughts.

Gotta run... work is piling up...cant believe it huh.. on Christmas Eve some more... continue later.