It is good that Kenny is a Christian, and as I travel down this road, he is there to constantly be a companion. Granted, not a very inspiring or good role model, but a companion is nonetheless a companion, and to have a fellow scholar being that companion helps immeasurably. He sends me messages that are passages from the Bible regularly that he receives from someone else.
I've always thought people can seldom become strong, convicted Christians rooted in deep faith and walk around testifying to His miracles unless they themselves have personally experienced His hand on them. Even for strong convicted Christians to take the next step, many require more convincing, a personal testimony to God's hand in their life. But I was recently in acquaintance with this scientific economist man who gave a very convincing service that touched on the fact that you cannot wait; you can never be ready; there is never a better time. You have to take that initiative, you have to make that first move, that next step, and really truly have faith and believe in Him that if you decide to make that leap, He will be there to hold your hand and to guide you, never to let you fall, and letting His hand resonate throughout what you doubt.
After I decided that I would truly seek Him out, and to accept Him in my life, and to submit myself totally, to believe that I have been arrogant and proud, to invite and beseech Him to enter my life and to entrust my life to His management, I have experienced slight philosophical changes in various aspects of life. Recently, times have been rather tumultuous. Lots of sorrowful ups and downs, and I have been praying, praying hard that the silver lining reveal itself soon, that He shows me the light and what the right direction is.
And this brings me to that story of the Christian on the rooftop during some floods, who rejected 3 offers of rescue, claiming that God would save him, and then in the end drowning. And when he questioned why God did not save him, God answered that he sent 3 rescue teams, each of whom the man rejected. Moral: God works in mysterious ways. His intentions and methods are not immediately obvious, but we need to have faith in him. We need to have faith in Him. We should not be looking for obvious signs. Sometimes, He is guiding us, but not in obvious ways, and if we look for obvious ways, we might miss His real signs. There is another story of a man who got lost coming down from a mountain, when the mist settled on the mountains, and he clung to the rope, refusing to let go. Then he prayed to God to save him, and he heard God's voice telling him repeatedly to let go of the rope. He just could not do it. Next morning his hypothermia-ed corpse was found clinging onto the rope, 3 feet above safe solid ground. So sometimes, we need to listen to God's voice, and no matter how much sense it makes or does not make, we need to just obey His voice, and have faith that it is right.
Since the above, I have prayed to God or sometimes not, when I am feeling sorrowful and down. I think I have forgotten myself, perhaps looking in the wrong directions, or looking for the wrong sorts of signs. I am looking for clear and obvious answers. And have encountered...none. But does this mean that the Lord God has abandoned me? No. He is ever loving and faithful. I have misinterpreted His methods of guidance. The answer would not be in the form of a blinding light striking me in the middle of the night, with a voice telling me loud and stern and in an unmistakably authoritative and clear voice "TAKE THIS ROAD". Because, when I think about it, He HAS been answering my prayers! He has! Its jus that I never realized so.
From the first paragraph above, remember I said I have been receiving SMSes, from a friend's uncle? I just realized that these SMSes have always struck me when I am down and sorrowful. Just when I need Him and his guidance. Not when I am happy and contented. And they have always directly applied to that particular circumstance. Been caught up in emotional turmoil and events the last few weeks, and though I think I have tried to be selfless and considering towards others, I think I need to stand up, grow up, be mature, and be a bigger man, and not let MY emotional issues crap the hell out of everyone and everything.
The gf has her life, her issues, her difficulties to sort out. If I truly loved her, I would not allow my stupid issues to bog us down, I would not add to her many woes. I would be even kinder, more giving, more selfless, and stop thinking about myself. I have be less self absorbed. For the time being, things in her life are not balanced, and she needs me more than ever, and hence, this is not the time to think of me, but to be there for her. This is the time for her her her. To be there for her. My gosh, how could I have been so blind and self absorbed?
Received another SMS today:
Serving Hearts Philippians 2:3-7
Holy Spirit, work in me a desire to please You rather than impress people. Forgive me for my selfishness and for focusing on my life, my needs and problems. Help me to care more about others and their needs and to have a servant's heart so that You can do Your work through me.
And I shall follow it, and perhaps, this will do more for her and for our relationship than anything else.