You know the MIDAS story - the King with the Midas touch? Everything he touched turned to gold. I suspect I have the same touch but on the opposite extreme. Everything I touch...turns to copper.
Got to make this work because I want it to work!!!
They say younger guys are eager to please, whereas older guys are not.
Hmm - something to chew on.
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Have been trying to handle stress and other affairs in a more mature and less harmful to self manner. That means no smoking. Cigars (which is something I recently started to appreciate, but all too soon, have to stop ingesting) are also a no go, according to the girlfriend. Rats! Thought I could get away with that.
Part of being mature, to me, means being able to calmly, rationally and effectively handle stress and various other issues instead of getting all excited or resorting to avenues such as smoking. Hence the desire to get involved in sporting activities, as it is only in that arena that my mind can truly block everything out and focus on the moment, on the sporting situation and reactions. It allows me to relax, calm down, and after the game, and focus on the issues on hand.
What are the issues bugging me anyway?
First of all, relationships wise I really need to buckle down, grow up and act like the 25 year old man I am soon going to be. I am constantly reminded of how much I need to grow and how youthful I am. Ok. So far, the girlfriend has been incredibly patient and tolerant, and it is only fair that I do right by her. The acid test is that I want to do it because it is the right way to think, not because I should. When it seems like she is withdrawing, should I see it as her withdrawing, or should I learn to accept that this is part of a woman’s moods or reactions to my behaviour? And it seems like my ability to articulate myself has been crushed by a rock of immense proportions, leading me to leave impressions that do not necessarily truly reflect the entire and true picture of me accurately.
Then, career wise things are in the midst of severe upheaval which I have been patiently trying to work out. First of all, with the sudden news of my pushed forward confirmation and ascension to an executive role, my current MT programme suddenly needs to be dramatically accelerated. With a sudden decrease in time available to do so, things are a rush, and are stressful as it is. Moreover, stepping into the new role has brought with it its own set of emotional and technical reactions. I have not had much time to deal with the emotional – as it is, the technical preparations I am going through in order to prepare me to take on the job confidently is already absorbing plenty of resources. This is a serious job which has immense repercussions on the company’s performance in the market, and the associated stress and burdens are hyper exacerbated by the fact that I have had so little training and preparation for it. Everyone has been pulling me aside telling me they expect all sorts of great things for me and all I keep hearing are steep learning curve, high expectations, unprecedented scrutiny etc.
OK, in the face of crisis (this hardly qualifies as one does it?) lies the greatest opportunity. Such times are the best way to test a man’s mettle. I think it was Churchill who said that how a man reacts in times of toughness best reflects what kind of a man that is. Well said. He also said to a group of university students, no matter what you are facing in life, never give up.
Using that philosophy, I shall move onto the next post…
Let us talk about giving up and commitment.
People who do not make that step to commit to each other will consider as an option giving up when their relationship, whatever relationship that might be, runs onto the rocks. They would think lets take whatever possession on this sinking ship is mine, grab a lifeboat, jump overboard, and row for shore.
That is giving up. But it is forgivable, since no commitment was made. It might be a waste, but it is ok.
People who do commit do not shun or scare away from what might unfold. Once they decide to commit, when the ship runs on the rocks, they do not consider as an option giving up the relationship. They identify the ways to resolve the issue, and together, move the ship off the rocks, patch the holes, and continue on their way.
That is commitment. The promise to each other to stay together and accept each other, whatever surprises might be thrown their way, provided neither party wrongs the other party unacceptably morally.
However, if the water is coming in too fast and the ship is sinking too fast regardless, they HAVE to consider the possibility that perhaps the holes are too big, cannot be patched and to stay on trying to patch the rapidly incoming water is folly that will doom them both and increase their chances of doom the longer they stay.
If they decide to bail out and give up on the ship (relationship, pun unintended), then when is it giving up, and when is it wisely recognizing signs that shows that it really is a doomed exercise destined for failure?
Does commitment mean staying on and bailing and fighting until the ship is in the water and there is confirmedly no hope and the water is up to their chins, or is that foolishness? When is it not foolish to consider or to actually bail out then?
Bottom line: a commitment is a commitment
I’ve been told I use past situations and past experiences with people too much in how I assess new situations and people. And since situations and people are different, hence my assessments and their conclusions will be wrong.
But isn’t that the basis of learning from the past?
Isn’t that how we all move forward and consider current/future situations, based on the inherently accumulated knowledge and experiences we pick up or are exposed to along the way?
I think though that I must have misunderstood.
There has been lots of thoughts swirling around my mind recently. Some serious, some personal, some downright puerile (thanks Jo, for reminding me of the existence of this word).
Today, I want to talk about something serious. The upcoming elections.
Lets break it down to the simplest possible dissection. In Malaysia, the reality is that politics is alwiz going to be broken down racially. This is how the cake is going to be cut regardless of how you look at it, how you wish it, so you might as well accept that this is the way the cookie crumbles and hence formulate the best possible action. The culture, fears, stigmas, stereotypes, perceptions, are too deeply ingrained over 50 years.
The Indians will alwiz vote MIC. Why? Seldom will there be an Indian who votes Opposition. They may verbalize that they do, but come time to cast their ballot, its Semivalue all over again. Indians can roughly be broken down into 3 types. The rich (who will always vote MIC because it is due to the cronyism, nepotism and contacts/under table handout system that they got rich), the middle class and the lower classes (who are so poor that any form of handout or monetary gift can buy their votes; they are so poor and live hand to mouth that they are merely concerned with survival, and whoever can assist financially will be their hero; ideals of democracy and due process of law is not within their sphere of concern). Come time for elections, MIC, with generous handouts (to buy votes) given by big brother (UMNO la, who else), will go to Indian dominated areas, usually rural or the most dumpy derelict areas, and pave some roads, offer RM200 cash, etc, some middling sum, and this is usually sufficient to guarantee an MIC vote. The latest tactic is to provide instant ICs and hence legitimacy to the 20,000 Indians currently dispersed around various estates around the country who have no ICs, and in return, get an MIC vote. Yes, this is how Semi Value secures and buys his votes. These 2 demographics are quite securely MIC. Opposition parties without the budgets required to buy the poor voters' votes can thus forget about MIC. This leaves the middle class. Middle class voters are usually apathetic, or fence sitters who rely on themselves (being professionals or SMEs), or more in tune with issues like justice, democracy, transparency, corruption etc.
The Chinese voters can be roughly categorized into 4 kinds as well. Those who are steadfastedly pro MCA/BN due to cronyism/nepotism, those who are cowardly, those who are emotional, and those who are logical/apathetic. The first type is a MCA/BN goner, well in their back pockets, so screw them. The cowardly will choose MCA/BN again because to them, if they make RM10, and they give RM4 as under counter money, and only keep RM6, it is still RM6. That is all they care about, that they still have their RM6, and screw the injustices, corruption, etc because it isn't affecting them, and, they rather keep that RM6 then to vote another party and risk losing that RM6 even though potentially they could make RM8. The emotional will always choose DAP because it is ingrained in them that DAP is pro Chinese and everything else will make their life more miserable. Hence, we need to appeal to those who are logical/apathetic.
The Malay voters are very simple: Apathetic, BN or religious zealots. That about covers it all. Those who are lazy/incompetent/selfish/shameless/greedy will want to retain what is giving them such a wonderful, comfortable, easy life hence BN, those who are religious zealots and will follow whichever party guarantees the way to Islamic heaven (PAS voters, you may stand), and the rest are just apathetic who see no reason to change status quo.
Regardless of what the Opposition does, REGARDLESS, the BN will win again. Regardless. That is a given that goes without saying. Look at Ijok and Machap. The Election Commission (EC) works for the BN, the media is part of BN's well oiled and well financed population controlling (the modern day Big Brother of Orwell's 1984) machinery, there are phantom voters, bought votes, specially designed voting system i.e. split the votes via location and the various opposition parties that can be voted for in different areas etc. We can never win. The Malay population is too large, the Chinese upper class and the Indian upper/lower class will all vote BN.
So why should we bother?
Because ladies and gentlemen, dissent is in the air. Petrol prices are rising, toll prices are rising, our corruption index is rising, our FDI inflows are weak, our FDI outflows are super strong, our currency has devalued dramatically (and shows no signs of being readjusted for fears of affecting our exports which can only compete on price since we have such a bad quality culture), justice transparency and democracy is all but a myth, racial tensions are rising, pollies have their hands in every pot, etc etc the list goes on. Its a joke! This is an insult to our intelligence and dignity, it makes a mockery out of you and me.
People are starting to be aware. Change is imminent. Change is in the air. People are demanding for it. This is our chance to deny them that 2/3 majority in Parliament. And THAT is what we should gun for, a very realistic goal. Don't bother defeating BN. Aim small. First, deny them that 2/3. Every single day, our rights and privileges are being gradually eroded as the Constitution keeps changing and changing not in favor of us. The day Mahathir emasculated the Rulers by removing their powers to affect the Constitution and left us in Parliament's hands, this whole debacle started. The only way to stop this is to deny them that 2/3.
So how do we gain the votes to swing it this way? First of all, we can identify acros the spectrum thatr the only targettable demographic are the middle class Indians and Chinese, and everyone else who is logical, practical and apathetic. How do we make the non voters vote Opposition and the non Opposition voters of the above categories to vote Opposition?
2 pronged approach.
1 - Get the apathetic to vote. Not quite sure how, this one must think some more. But once they decide to vote...who to vote for?
2 - We ALL already know the current party sucks. But we need to have a very viable alternative. The Opposition cannot just attack the current govt and then say hence vote us. The Opposition is very disunited. There are no practical policies offered, no practical solutions to the nation's woes. No tangible economic policy, foreign policy, tax policy etc. Granted, it is hard to get their message across on the Govt's well polished anti Opposition media machinery. But the reason why more people are NOT voting Opposition is because they are not sold that the Opposition reallly can offer something better.
Moving on, either Malaysia is screwed because we really do not have a viable Opposition with good sound policies that can stand on their own merit, or, the Opposition if it does have those policies and is not merely a Govt watchdog, then it should do a better job of articulating and disseminating information regarding these policies. With that in place, more rational and sound minded indivs will vote for them, fence sitters will switch, and the apathetic will have someone worthwhile to vote for.
I have come to fully accept the reality and fact that I am very immature, unreliable, irresponsible, disappointing and a bucketful of potential unrealized.
There is so much about myself I need to change, grow and improve. Realization is step one. Acceptance is step 2. Knowing what needs to be done and why is step 3. Wanting to do it is step 4. Doing it is step 5. Sustaining it is Step 6. Step 6 onwards is an ongoing process.I have just finished step 4 and am about to embark on Step 5.
Question.
If one has the greatest girl in the world, and one realizes one is deeply flawed, does one:
a) Sort himself out first to be fair to the girl, THEN, have a rship with her? To mitigate the risk that she might end up with some guy who is deeply flawed hoping he will change, and he never changes. Better he makes himself good, then he goes with her, hence she is assured that she is not getting involved with someone who needs a lot of work.
or
b) Gets with her for fear that by the time he is ready, she'd be snapped up. Then hope to change and improve along the way. This requires the girl to be patient, loving, sacrificial, and placing her trust & time in him. Isn't this selfish of him though? And greedy? And what if deep inside he is fearful he might never be all that? And then let her down?
The feeling of letting down and disappointing someone who trusted you and had hopes for you is immeasurably sad. My choice is B. Yes, I am selfish and greedy. But I do not want to let anyone else down. Once I make this step, everything, every ounce and atom of my existence, will be thrown into actualizing this.
Its alwiz best to naturally be so perfect. But if one is not, the next step is one who develops himself to be such. Is this second scenario any less ideal though? That he started out as a leopard, can we expect him to change his spots? Will there alwiz be an underlying layer of mistrust, doubt, suspicion by all parties involved that this is a charade, an act, borne out of a desire to make good, rather than an actual manifestation of his actual goodness.
Tell you what. Don't think so much. Just be 100% sincere, take that initiative, and really really want and try to be good, be ALL THAT. Alwiz be v v upfront with the girl, let her be aware of all this, and let her decide for herself what she wants, whether she is willing to take that risk and wait, or if time is of essence, does she want to pull out and move elsewhere. And then go and be fair to her, give it your bestest shot, throw everything at it, and if the outcome is good, its good, and if not, at least everyone involved was aware every step of the way.
ERGHHHHHHHH.
Whats the difference between me now and those cute wombats at a petting zoo?
NO DIFF!!
We are both trapppped, surrounded by high walls, and cannot run anywhere, nor do what we truly feel like doing. We are just stuck there surrounded by people. Feel free to oggle and poke me. Feel free!
Actually, the wombat has it better because it is CUTE and CUDDLY and I am not. All sharp angles elbows and bones.
Also, at least the bugger is out in the sun. I wanna b out in the sun, not cooped in in this office with artificial lighting and air circulation, breathing in ventilated airconditioned air. I want...
- To strip and wear shorts only and run around vast open green rolling fields with lots of sheep
- To put on my adventure gear and go high falutin around jungles, streams, swin amd wade in rivers, stand under the cascades of a waterfall, get muddy dirty and scratched while white water rafting
- To feel my muscles pulling me through the water as I kayak over waves and across seas, to feel the strain of the muscles working, and to look and see it bulge
- To get hot sweaty and dirty wearing my headband and playing intense street ball under the sun
- To do physical stuff without a shirt under the sun, either repairing a fence, painting something, or doing something mechanical and machine related with my hands and preferably a tonne of grease. Restoring my bike sounds fun.
Dont want to die a slow fat meaty flaccid white pasty death sitting in offices as my mid section expands.. NO.. NEVER. OK now, time to eat. And..exercise!
Thank god for company forced leave. Woo hoo!
When I have kids, where will I want to bring them up? What are the key considerations?
1.) Must be close to family. I was brought up in an environment where I constantly had lots of lovely family holidays and gatherings. We are a close knit bunch, and family and close loving relatives were never too far off. This in turned developed me to be the close family loving person I am today, and also is a good sort of moral compass to help keep my kids on the right track. My relatives sure did that with me!
2.) Society. I rather, much rather, my kids grow up in an Asian values based society compared to a Western based sociey since young. When comparing in general (and this is a v broad generalization) Asian kids and Western kids, based on the overseas born Chinese I encountered in my years in Australia as well as white kids, I much rather my kids have the values of Asian kids. Western brought up kids are imbued with less respect for others, humility, selflessness and consideration. They tend to reject their very heritage and consider themselves white kids, and if I had a kid like that, I'd kill him personally.
3.) Opportunities in life. By this I mean education opportunities and professional opportunities. This is a tough one because there is discrimination here, as well as overseas. However, I have to sit back and take a look at the bigger picture. I must allow my kid to be in an environment where he has a fair chance, and not face an uphill battle for what he merits. I want the best for my kid. And that involves bringing him up where he has the best opportunities for education and professional success.
When it comes to Chinese people, across generations, we all want the same for our kids. We are just like our parents.
When things are less than perfect (which is 100% of the time), or not exactly ideal (more realistic here), I usually handle it alone. I don't exactly run off and talk to my friends about every little thing in my life, nor do I need to 'talk to someone' get it off my chest. Its a source of pride that I can be strong and self reliant. I deal with and settle and confront my issues myself head on. (some people would go so THATS y ur so messed up!).
But during the recent trip to Melb, was engulfed and overwhelmed with various emos. Its not stuff that is wayyy over my head or makes me emotionally weak or needy, and nothing I haven't faced before. I could definitely have handled it alone, but, I tried to close my eyes and lean back into my friends because I've been doing this solo thing so long that I reckoned its high time I appreciated my friends and treat them as friends. And what better way then to lean on them and let them know I am allowing myself to lean on them? Figuratively, I closed my eyes and leaned backwards on them. I expected to be caught.
Not only was I caught, I was wrapped around with concern and love from all sides, propped back up, had my head patted, had myself reassured, and was set right and sent on my way again. During my time of slight need, Darren, Jeannie, Jinn, popped up and stood up to be counted. You guys know wat you did for me.
Darrens powerful smses did wonders, Jinns reassuring presence and words were magic, and Jeannie's words, such as the following, were very uplifting:
we love you too, alex. take care. be good. don't do anything we wouldn't. stay true to yourself my dear, dear friend. it was great seeing you, truly truly truly. and listening to you talk, share memories. it was like nothing had ever changed, all those many years ago when we were still young and impressionable. don't worry that you've done wrong. we all have. you are one of the most blindingly honest people i know. and even after everything you've told me, i still think of you the same way. hope kl is treating you well!
When your friends do things like that, its very touching. Truly, I feel blessed and whatever else might not be going my way, at least, I know I have friends like this. I want to make sure that I am also the type of friend that people will lean on and know I will catch them and more, and that in their times of need, I will be right there.
I blog for myself. I type what I want and censor minimally for general public, not to encrypt stuff from certain people. Either I dont mind them seeing and understanding or I dont bother to let them know of my blog's existence.
However in view of the varied and recently changed status of some of the people close to me, and my relationships with others, I today mulled over the following issue:
Should I practice another form of self censorship? Retreat into my corner and not bother the world til I get sent to a home and die of old age? What if certain readers read it and respond wrongly.
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I decided to just forget the audience and how one might read it... and just blog to my heart's content.
I am a Scorpio. Hey, someone has to be. We are known to be great lovers, deep thinkers, mysterious solo artistes...the list of accolades go on.
Thank you. You can soften the applause now. Please direct all marriage and relationship solicitations to my email address on the right hand side. But bear in mind everything goes through the gf so unless she is sold on you your chances are quite low. Very sorry.
Anyway, we are apparently uber jealous people. Now, I am highly aware of my jealousy and possessiveness, and strive hard to contain it and hide it and put on a smiley face so as not to make life tough for the girlfriend.
However...there are moments where I have to find out if I am being really unreasonable. If it was, I would strive harder to control myself. So had a chat with some guy friends and presented a hypothetical scenario.
Pls note that this is a hypothetical scenario.
One
Whatever experiences she has had before and you have had before in the past are wiped clean after you get together. Now, assuming she gets to go to some event and some guy asks her for a dance. Now, she has never ever danced with another guy even before you. And now, even after meeting you, her first dance ever is with ANOTHER GUY. So for the rest of her life she walks around with the memory of her first dance and its ANOTHER GUY, and not you, and bear in mind, you are already with her. If I have never kissed a girl before, even on the cheek, and then I get together with say Amy, and then my first ever cheek kiss is with Julia. Not Amy. How would Amy feel? Suspecting that whenever I think of my first ever kiss I automatically recall Julia, though I'd not admit it. And secretly wondering if I preferred Julia's kisses. Would it be ok with her if I said it was just a kiss, a physical act, no emotion attached? I think its fair that Amy would expect me to control myself, since nobody was forcing a gun to my head. I believe in self control, and that circumstances can be circumstances, but one is always in ctrl and no1 can force 1 to do what 1 does not want to do. The conviction in self and the reason why (not upsetting Amy) are strong and compelling reasons enough to reject others and I'd rather hurt others than hurt Amy, who has done so much more for me than the others. At any rate, people worth their salt would not force me to dance with Julia if they knew of Amy.
Is it inappropriate to be unhappy? Whats the proper response? Graciously accept your girlfriend's first act of intimacy is with... another guy? I mean, I know what I would do and how I would respond.
But is it fair to expect others to do likewise? Maybe I should measure others not by my standards...
Excited...excited! The count down begins! 6 more hours! Oh delicious oh joy..til ur in my arms again.
Til then I can only hunger and wait.
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I hate disappointing people. I really do.
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Can't sleep. Excitement rules.
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I used to abide by the philosophy...look..if I am not going to still remain friends with someone 5 years down the road.. If I am not interested in pursuing any type of relationship with them 5 years down the line...if we are probably going to lose contact...then I don't want to spend a single moment with them unless necessary. Why invest time and effort into building and maintaining relationships with someone I won't be in touch with next time? Coz when we r no longer in touch, all this time n effort spent now is totally wasted. I mights well spend time doing stuff that makes me happy and strengthening relationships with people I will still be mingling with 5 years down the line.
This remained unchanged all the way up until I met my gf in Melb and beyond. Coz the way I saw it...if you invest X time and effort into a relationship that eventually goes the dodo's way, it becomes a sunk cost. An the opportunity cost is cementing further existing relationships. ITs a very practical way of looking at things. People tell me I should be more diplomatic, more nice, and take more effort into cultivating relationships. Who knows? It might form a good network and contacts and come in handy next time.
I never bought that crap. Good network and contacts never has and never will form a basis of a sound genuine relationship, and immaturely and perhaps a tad idealistically, I only believe in surrounding myself with sound genuine relationships. I was notorious for rudely getting up and walking away if I didn't give 2 hoots about a person, notorious for preferring to be alone than to be with others I didnt respect.
When I got to work here, I tried to change and be more sociable. At first it was OK. I told myself gotta learn social graces, gotta be fake. But though I have tried, I cant!
I wonder if others feel like me. Increasingly, I find myself unable to click with my colleagues even more than normal despite trying, whereas I used to click quite well with them if i tried.
Many things they say and do annoy me. Its like...hello, grow up!!! I find their stuff not funny. I find it absolutely silly to drink all the time and even sillier to glorify such behavior. I find the stuff they say and or do v childish, and very self centred. It pisses me that all they care about is their own well being at the expense of others. They are still very adolescent. They have a v small minded n narrow view of the world. When they meet up, its alwiz trying to one up another, be it in drinking capacity or stock market success. And people who I do not respect I absolutely cannot bear to laugh at their jokes or to see them as glorious in any way. Theres is absolutely zero looking up to them.
I also cannot stand it when...others think such types are oh so cool. But well nvm one man's food is another's poison bla bla to each his own opinion I shall elaborate no further. Suffice to say this post probably demonstrates I am a bigot. But seriously.. why play drinking games? Why drink!? All the time? Its like without alcohol we cant have fun with each other? We cant open up? We cant let loose? Be free? Be social? WHAT? What is it? If you need a stimulus like alcohol...ur relationships isnt based on v much is it? The very fact that you need alcohol to create that buzz just shows how VERY REAL it is. I also cannot stand it when colleagues decide to play stupid cheap thrills games that involves intimacy and physical contact. I mean, control urself!
An example. During the treasure hunt a few months ago...a bunch got together to play.. Twister. Now, do you guys know what that is? Its a game whereby patterns are drawn on the floor (or we use a Twister mat) and people place their palms and feet in certain squares and end up getting realllly close to others privates and appendages. You end up having instances like V oggling at K's ass, or X being able to almost graze Y's breasts or L staring at M's crotch in her face. Ew. I know in the entire batch of us young uns, Me, VG and EmperorN***m definitely wouldnt have played that game. Why do people want to play that game? What joy can possibly be derived? WHAT? I can only perceive cheap thrills. Call me an old man, a spoil sport, wet blanket. But seriously...its a disgusting game whereby people who are not attached can be so close to another person's privates.
I am just so not into cheap thrills.
I much prefer the quiet honest humble lack of pretentiousness type of person who carries herself with quiet dignity and is confident enough to reveal when she has no idea what is transpiring. Only EmperorN***m and VG fits that bill so far. Every1 else tries too hard. Asking me to hang along the prev bunch for more than quick snatches occasionally, you mights well kill me. Smart? Worldly? Funny? Nuh uh I dont think so. In short snatches, tolerably so if I put myself in that frame of mind. I want sincerity n maturity.
So it is good that everyone knows that I have this habit of not participating in events or showing up for just a small part of the event. Then, when I get repulsed, I can just up and go and no1 will be none the wiser.
Its tough to choose gifts for women. Ergh. Don't understand them at all!!!
And lingerie?! Don't even talk about it. I have absolutely no clue what the hell...all I know is lingerie got 2 types. One wear for the top looks just like a normal bra with some lacy stuff and 2 cups. 1 looks just like normal undies but with more lace. So what the hell? Whats the difference whats the big deal. Call a spade a spade. Hence, call it a lacy bra. No need to invent whole new terms for it.
Normal undergarments come in many colors eg blue, skintone, white, black etc. Lingerie seems to come in only white black or red. To me, buying lingerie us an exercise in controlling embarassment. very difficult to see myself doing it. feel like a perve, a lech. some more need to choose. cant i just.. i dunno...wear a mask and enter the damn shop. just...pop in zoom to product zoom to counter pay (in cash, faster, give exact hence no change needed) and zoom out. total time in shop 10 seconds.
and went to bodyshop trying to purchase a bottle of .. massage oil. searched watson but apparently they carry no such products. thats the extent of my ignorance. so in bodyshop...used my engineering way of asking questions to distil down the list of options until I was stuck between 3 choices. suddenly i was the center of attention as the v arious salesgirls amusedly look on as i analytically asked questions to narrow my choices down til i made my decision. i think they were also just as amused at my ignorance.
ergh wat a nightmare situation. wish it was a sportsgear or computer or guitar shop instead. at least i know my way around.
"oh is that massage stuff too? [dips a finger in it n smears over arm and try to rub]. how come it isnt oily? (er sir, thats body butter.)" right, i knew that.
After tackling an issue head on, I still feel residual feelings of upsetness.
Now, some people deal with this by bottling it up, or smoking, or drinking, or telling people, or gambling, or indulging in various other unhealthy n unbeneficial activities.
I choose to exercise. At least channel the negative energy into something positive and healthy. Been running a lot lately, and have finally been able to breach the 6km mark. It kills me but finally I can hit the mark again. Great feeling. Love the feeling of liberatedness I get. Just running, man against the road, just me, my heart pounding, and the sound of my sneakers pounding the treadmill/asphault. Hit the gym a little bit too. Very depressing to see how much I have deteriorated. Nvm, no point dwelling on it, just... get back in it.
Been yearning for basketball for some time.. havent played for like 2 months now...really need my fix! my game. going to play tonight. good release.
emotions pent up still need outlet.
if i could, i really really would love to indulge more often in adventure sports. i think i will start looking up those wkend activities where strangers get together and go white water rafting, go kayakking, go solo rafting, jungle trekking and the like. love that feeling.
In Matthew 25, the Parable of Talents, 3 men were given different amounts of money. God gave no specifications.
2 of the guys went and did something with their money, and increased the capital.
The 3rd guy did nothing, thinking that hey this is GOD's money, who am I to mess around with it and risk losing it? So he happily kept it, waiting for the day when God came and he could proudly return to God exactly what was given, having stolen nothing.
God rewarded the first 2 for using the talents he gifted them with, and using it to multiply his money. The 3rd guy was punished for being lazy and wicked and wasting God's gifts to him in terms of talent.
I was shocked. Why did God do that? This fella respected God's property and hence took care not to diminish it. He probably felt inadequate, not good enough and had no confidence in himself to do something useful with it.
Well. God will not give you what you cannot handle. He gave you the skills, He knows what you are capable of. Hence He gave the 3rd guy the $ and entrusted him to it. The 3rd guy did not think 1 step deeper: he was so caught up in himself...I cannot, I'm not good enough, I'm afraid ..etc etc.
Had he thought deeper..God will not give you more than you can handle, my friend. If He put you in a certain situation, its because He believes you can rise above it. He gave you skills as gifts. You should use it! Not store it away and waste it. Thats an insult.
I realize I have been the 3rd guy. Wicked for not using my talents and smarts and other gifts to good use and not ambitiously trying to capitalize fully on God's gifts to me, and lazy for settling into this comfortable routine and not taking risks and doing more.
I intend to take an indepth self analysis, and do more for myself career wise. It is time to really push myself, to step out of my comfort zone, to take risks, to use all the smarts n positive attributes God has gifted me with, to make more out of myself, to be a better agent of goodness in this world, and to pursue more career success more aggressively, and make more $, which means I can do more tangible and practical and good things for the less fortunate, hence being a better soldier of God.
If I remain like this, God gave me X dollars, I will merely return him X dollars on the day when He calls the accounts. Since He has given me smarts to do more and achieve more from life, I should be more gung ho in trying to convert this X dollars into XXX dollars, and with the extra money, can do more tangible goodness with it for the less fortunate. I will entrust my life to him and let him manage it and have faith that whatever situation presents itself to me, God will be right beside me guiding and helping and not letting me fall or handle more than what I can. Respecting his gifts and doing more with it to make myself a more exemplary soldier is the best way to honor what He has kindly blessed me with.
Prayer gets you closer to God. I have no doubt about that.
Of late I find that my prayers involve praying about and for others, and not that much for myself. This is a pleasing discovery, because it shows I have matured a little bit compared to 10 years ago when I used to pray for...myself and only myself.
It didnt cross my mind before this. Its not something i consciously do, to avoid praying for myself and only for others. I guess i realize i am very blessed and in the grand scheme of things, there are others who need more praying for. also, i see the wisdom in praying for what God would want...and not just what Alex wants. I wonder if praying for others is more powerful.. perhaps I shall ask my friends what they want, pray they get it, and get them to do likewise for me..
I am kidding.
If anyone notices this blog making more and more references to Christianity,
please do not be alarmed. I will try to keep this a non religious blog, but, whatever i am, i am, and i am proud of it and will not overly censor it.
it is not enough to just go to church, pray and call urself a christian. a true christian, a good christian, also behaves in a way that is so good, so happy, that it spurs others to ask, what is it that makes him so? christianity? what is this? it must be something good!
that would be a good and practical way of doing what God wants for us to do, and hey, i love things that are good and practical.
Notice how my blog post titles are getting realllly boring. But hey at least they score full marks on brevity.
I am really enjoying my church sessions, which is something you can bet that I definitely wouldnt have expected myself to say a few months ago. After attending FGA a couple of times I realize they have expanded a lot and have really grown and become very rich. They have chapters everywhere! Its quite commercialized but still I can identify a little bit of that retained familial feel. Its been years since I attended regularly (as a teenager) but now I am committed to attending it more often. I tried another one, DUMC, which Melissa also blogged about, (t'is cool knowing you were there as well but unfortunately didnt see u). as she so aptly wrote, after a hard night partying on saturday, if people ask u where your going in the morning on sunday, and u say the dream center..hahaha.
k whatever. not exactly in the best of moods due to some badly organized and irresponsibly coordinated event by a colleague that led to my schedule being disrupted.
today's church session was really good. am very happy. it has answered several of my questions which has been hitting me recently. i will blog about this in my very next post.
seems like every session i go to the service is speaking directly to me. hahaha.
a few wks ago, we prayed hard for some fellow brothers and sisters..members of the congregation who had various illnesses like depression and cancer. i found myself praying harder than ever for their recovery, with tears rolling down my face. what i'd really like to know is...
are they on the path to recovery? dear god, please, strike this disease from their bodies...
I could be called a hypocrite. Double standards is my middle name.
I want my girlfriend to tell me what is it she wants. I need to know her expectations. And then, I will know what to do. I would not want to be granted an evening to play basketball with my friends thinking she is ok with it and then coming home to a black face and getting the silent treatment before she cant hold it anymore and gives me the tongue. She might think ok, i shant show him what i feel, make him think im happy, give him his basketball first. what a noble act! and then when he is back...shall express my annoyance. at least, i give him his game, and dont deny him that.
but if she truly understood him, she would realize that above all else, i want her to be happy, and hey, a game is just a game and can be played any other day. what i'd much prefer is that she tells me upfront she would be so much happier if i could go to the pictures with her. then i'd forgo the game, go watch it with her, and reschedule it (hmm, on the condition its just another game, not those competitive ones). her happiness is more important than just a basketball game. tell me what you want. be direct. dont think ur being noble and letting me play coz knowing how unhappy that makes u, it jus makes it worse for me and strips all the fun from the game and forever it will b associated with guilty feelings. theres no second guessing.
i try to apply the same to her. i truly believe that one should be upfront with ones feelings and expectations, give reasons for them, then sit back, and watch what the other person do. then you will realize how much your feelings mean to them. maybe they go well but your not being super reasonable so...yea.. i will go ahead n do it anyway .. and im sorry but its jus too bad u feel that way about it.
at any rate, there are some things i just dont want to mention because i find that i might be unreasonable. but this stuff kills me!!! ergh. irks me no end. so ... either i say unreasonable things n stuff n be a mean unreasonable bf or i just deal with my own feelings about it. so far i have chosen to be real happy and say what i know she'd want to hear, and in most cases is the reasonable case, and deal with my own unreasonableness on my own.
but hey come on, sometimes, really, i strongly do not think i am being unreasonable in certain requests. but im not sure! so ... how do i strike that damn balance? its like.. giving ur girlfriend away. no guy can tolerate that if he really has 2 genuine testicles.
goddamn. until i find out..i will continue to be a hypocritical dbl standards guy.
Let's See How Far We've Come
Peter and Jane have come a long way.
When they first met, they were 2 disparate strangers with no connections, only pulled together by virtue of being in the same geographic location where they spent most of their time.
Then there was the initial shyness and getting to know each other. Then there were the group outings, group events, where bit by bit Jane revealed parts of her character that made Peter realize she was truly a different girl from those out there. He tried to initiate activities where they could spend time together; initially roping in other people to cover up his intentions, but eventually, mustering enough courage to ask her out alone just to enjoy her company, with no high hopes.
They started spending time together, and as they discovered things in common, hit it off like wildfire, and eventually it was a case where they could no longer deny what was real.
Fast forward now, a long time later, and Peter is able to call her his girlfriend. That makes him severely happy. He knows what he feels, and wants. He feels blessed that he can hold Jane's hand, and the last thing he sees and hears before sleeping is her and her voice, and likewise for the first thing he sees when he wakes. During their all too short time together in Melbourne, it gave him great joy to hug her to provide warmth during those cold evenings, and to feed her roast duck, pasta, famous porridge...sharing a common love for food, he loved feeding her til her cheeks went pinkish. He fondly berated her for not wearing enough and choosing instead to risk catching a cold. He loved seeing how she adored others' dogs in parks.
He can see a future together and wants that future. He is ready and willing to do what it takes to get there and does not hold back, and puts all his eggs in there, for that is the only way to make a relationship work. He is patient with her insecurities, unhappiness, inexperience, doubts and loves her all the same, because he understands her better than she realizes, by virtue of trying - really trying. He doesnt mind whether he gives more or not, and he happily reassures her and takes care of things so she neednt worry about anything except to do what makes her happy. He patiently absorbs any negativity she might have towards him, because he understands her point of view, and realizes that this takes time, as she isnt experienced and they have different backgrounds. If he remains patient, eventually, she will come around. He recognizes things are not perfect, but will still remain committed, and want to do what it takes to make this succeed. He has a vision, and will not let small things derail himself from that.
Nobody is perfect, and with a wry smile, Peter also realizes the same for Jane. He knows he isn't. Some good things and characteristics are his natural self, which is great, but there are others he realizes he needs to work on, and these he openly shares with Jane and makes the effort to correct his flaws. But he does not make demands on Jane, and lets her be herself, and accepts her wholeheartedly the way she is. He quells any negativity in his chest cavity, and decides wholehearted unreservedly to commit to her.
He knows that many things which bother someone up til a certain extent in the beginnings of a relationship will eventually be smoothened out, and thats natural. But other stuff that exceeds that extent, and continuously comes back to haunt him and accuse him again and again and make him feel less than what he is and casts him in a negative judgement light in spite of his actions and attempts to prove otherwise..this stuff is trickier. But Peter has been down this road before. Peter realizes that this could very well be another case of trying again and again and being an optimist and realizing eventually 5 years down the line that in reality, he is still being cast in that light. That he has merely been proving himself over and over again, still is, and hence, might still be in future.
Nobody can live like that.
He knows he isn't all he is made out to be. He is better than that. So eventually he sits down and takes stock...where is this situation really going? In situations like that, he decides to do what he can and do all he can to prove that he is who he claims to be. He does not speak much, but chooses to try to let his actions speak for themselves. He patiently persists to convince Jane that he is what he says he is, and allows Jane to gradually feel the same way about him. But in spite of everything, he finds that he remains doubted, mistrusted, constantly at the receiving end of negativity. He is 1 man against an army of dissenters. And 1 man against an army of dissenters will never win. All he asked is to be judged on himself, how he treats her, how he values and respects her, how her happiness and welfare means everything to him, to look at him, don't listen to others who are not in his shoes. Don't be so quick to allow outsiders to mar what your heart tells you, because then it shows how weak and flimsy your opinion of him is.
It hurts Peter immeasurably, but he is old enough to recognize situations where you have to call a spade a spade and you cannot fit square pegs into round holes. You cannot choose your future based purely on emotion. You have to recognize trends. Is this situation going to improve? Or will it be the same all over again? Will it be yet another case of a never ending series of tests, tribulations, people watching warily waiting for him to fall, expectations that he has to keep proving himself good enough, that he cannot be taken just as he is, that there is some flaw to him, that he just isnt good enough as he is. Will it be another case of 5 years down the road, realizing that in spite of everything, he is still back in square 1? He is somewhere between a realist and an optimist. An optimist always looks on the bright side of things, not on facts, which might color him to make not the best decisions. He cannot afford to be an optimist, because he is messing with people's lives and sentiments, which are of a very real and potent nature. It is not something to be taken lightly of, as these situations exposes people for their weaknesses and vulnerabilities and strips them bare of all self protective measures. A realist sees things as they are, and hence makes the necessary corrective actions. If he is to be taken but only with conditions, if he has to constantly prove himself..if he causes Jane to be unable to experience the wonders of a truly unconditional rship..he knows what he must do. Mature people look to the future, and it is only the weak who ignore the signs in favour of emotions.
All he asks is that the both of them go into it with the same approach, commitment, trust, effort and faith.
Lets see how far they've come. Let's see how far they go.
Ferris Wheel on the Place De La Concorde!
So, Paris, became a photography adventure. It was fun! Travelling with my camera, experimenting with angles, colors, different settings...trying to capture the feel of things. Anyway to cut a long story short, here are some sample photos:
Taken at the Louvre. Sepia is good.
The Louvre as well!
And for those who have been bugging me no end to show you some photos of me in Paris, and to those who refuse to believe I was there...:
And to those who STILL refuse to believe...yea yea you know who you are..haha...yea yea how could ALEX just drop it all and run off to Paris right? So irresponsible right? Like...no way...Alex do things step by step.. plan rightly.. not so impulsive..well..here you go my furry doubters:
Argh rats. Time for work. More later!
