You're still the One

As we go along, we go through experiences, and we pick up lessons along the way. Sometimes, it might just be an observation, sometimes it might be free. At other times, it might cost us. We just hope the price we pay is not too high.

My company’s internal communications website has a new quote on it everyday, some of it very timely and relevant. Today’s one, by Kettering, goes:

You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.

I haven’t at all been thinking about ‘yesterday’ the last few months. But I should have stopped thinking about yesterday much longer before that.

There should really be no overlaps for certain things in life.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

There is a cat that jumps around my house and tries to go into my house and plays with my slippers. I’ve seen it play hunting my shoe, and I have seen it crouching and prancing, playing and full of life. Yesterday night as I went to my car to drive out, I saw him lying prone on the ground. So when I went over to it and realized it was dead, I was hit by a wave of shock.

There it was, a day ago, full of life, prancing and jumping, pretending to hunt my shoe. A living entity, breathing, who could feel pain and happiness and hunger, just like me. And now, lying prone on the ground, dead as a bag of nails, all its life snuffed out of it. From a being with Life, God's creation, it is now just a corpse, as ALIVE as your table or chair. It was deeply troubling to see something that one moment I did not appreciate at all and thought was a pest and was full of life, suddenly lie dead on the ground, forever gone from the face of this earth. It was then that I felt a tinge of sadness and that I was actually quite fond of it, or else I’d had done something to discourage its escapades into my house. I wish I had devoted a little bit of affection to it. And a message hit me.

Life is far too short and far too precious to spend moping. And far too short and far too precious to spend regretting. And far too short and far too precious to spend retrospecting, or wanting to turn back time, or undo the damages done and mistakes made. I recognize the mistakes I made, recognize the damage I did. There is nothing I can do now to undo the damage done. But I have learnt to truly appreciate what I have, to love it and to treasure it. All I can do is to behave myself, carry myself in an upright manner, stay true to my principles, and let my character show for itself, and que sera sera. With God's hand, we can make us back to how we were again, perhaps even stronger than ever before, for when partners go through trials and tribulations together, if they emerge together, they emerge stronger together.

I know we just have to stick together, and we can make this work. How many relationships have bowed to outside pressure and both parties decided to let go what could have been, what had promise to be, a splendid thing? Every couple goes through problems initially, of different natures. And in the grand scheme of things, we haven’t been together that long. Forever, til death do us part, IS a long time away.

- - - - -

Don't listen to the naysayers. This is between us. Judge me by my actions and sincerity. We can, we really can make this work. And when we look back, years from now, we'd realize, hey, what a good thing we didn't call if off. What a good thing we stayed together. What a good thing faith is. What a good thing courage is. And we'd laugh this off. And hold each other's hands as we sit on our swing on the patio, and look out at the horizon yonder where the sun is setting...

Here, Shania Twain says it best. My new favourite song.

(When I first saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I felt love. And after all this time, you're still the one I love.)

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night
Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'
I'm so glad we made it Look how far we've come my baby

My fav version, for reasons which are self evident.



Have faith in each other, and put ourselves in God's good hands.

Yesterday

It's really stupid to live life go go go. Really, I have to sit down and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS remind myself:

What is it that I want in life?
Is what I am doing getting me closer or further away?

Because, if I had held onto these truths, I would never ever have done something so wrong and so stupid, and which I regret so terribly and deeply.

It is no use regretting. That is the worst part - you cannot undo the damage, you can only hope to heal it as best as possible. And knowing how hurt someone you care about is, it just about drives me nuts, making me someone who has totally lost himself and his identity, acting in ways that is so not me.

This is me:

Yesterday, All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
Why she Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said, Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why she Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said, Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away, Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Come on Alex, get a grip.

Across the universe...

* Attempting to pull myself together, seize ctrl of my life and regain my identity...

- - - - - - - - - -

There was an era in my life (not completely buried, mind you!) where I was totally enraptured and enamoured with previous eras. I wanted to live during the colonial years, I wanted to live during the swinging 60s and the seventies, I wanted to experience the vibrant spirit of those times, with Carpenters, Sinatra, Marley, Hendrix, Morrison, and, how can we forget, the Beatles, who defined, and WERE the 60s, giving the inspiration and spirit to the entire rhythm underlying that era.

Reading Tony Parsons' 'Stories We Could Tell' (which I thoroughly enjoyed), I was seized by this desire to grow out my hair and leave it long and straight, ala John Lennon, and hunt for a pair of orange tinted sunglasses. Alas, working in my environment, that would have got me fired immediately for being a suspected homo.

There was a time when I was totally into the Beatles, and they were among the first artistes whose songs I could play on the guitar. I remember back when I was much younger, wandering around on foot around the park near my house and near Palmerston house in the night, carrying my guitar, and playing Let It Be, I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Yesterday, And I Love You So...everything takes on an extra dimension in the dead of the night, with no1 but your guitar (and perhaps ghosts), with the wintry cold adding a touch of atmosphere. There were flights of fancy, whereby I'd be a music writer, get published in Rolling Stones magazine, just like the dude in Almost Famous (which has a kick ass OST).

Watching 'Across the universe' the other day, I was transported back in time into those days, those silly dreams I had...ahh...but I was never one to lust after the free love and free sex.. I was more into the whole atmosphere, the styles, the freedom and bravado to wear whatever, the music, the whole friendly spirit of things. It was a good movie, driven entirely by covers of Beatles hits.. I loved strawberry fields.

Seems like everything is going backwards into the sixties for me these days. There was my company's annual dinner, which would have been nice to throw on one of m uncle's old outfits haha but only if my darling could go with me, otherwise it'd be meaningless and I much rather spend time with her than to not be with her.

If we look at Paul McCartney then, and now, what a world of difference. I think its better to do a Lennon and die whilst you are on top of your game. Unless you can age gracefully, which very few artistes can do.

Every step you take..Every move you make..

- - - - -
Our future and hope

Jeremiah 29:11-13

What an encouraging Word this must have been to the followers of Jesus. When our lives don't make sense and our future looks hopeless, the Bible gives us a new perspective. God says, I KNOW the plan for you, so seek Him earnestly with all our hearts but not occasionally or half heartedly.
- - - - -

God, I don't know what your plan is. Only in Your infinite wisdom do you know. Right now my life doesnt make sense. It is spinning out of control, but dont worry, because I have a plan to put it all back together again, and with Your blessing and hand, I am sure I will quickly be right again.

First things first - career suffered severe blows this last 1 week, and must be righted again. 2ndly, got to hit the gym and exercise more. 3rdly, need to tidy up my room, clear out watever remnants of undesirable elements there are. 4th, spend time with the family. 5th - eat healthily and gain weight again, of which I have dropped roughly 3-5kg recently. Emotions should always be kept in check and never allowed to make me lose control - but this was an extreme case, and thus I make allowances for myself.

But the most pressing urgent issue is the one where I have made the greatest mistake thus far. God, please show me the way to help heal her heart. Give me the clarity of mind to know what is right to achieve this, because desire alone is insufficient, and help me right things again. Right now things might not be ideal. I know I will be doubted, looked upon suspiciously, have a low tolerance for error, and every little thing can be a trigger to a very undesirable ending. But I truly care for her and this stuff will be like little flecks of dandruff to flick off my shoulder.

Its not easy. But its OK, because it is necessary, it is understandable. I just want to patiently heal her, make her happy and whole and capable of love again. I just want to remove her hurt, and earn her trust again, and this time I will not fail. With your blessing, I can overcome this.

Answer define action

In a man’s life, there are only a very few defining moments.

The moment he earns his first pay check. The moment when he first knows with absolute certainty that this is the woman he loves, that for this woman, he will go through anything for her, that he cannot live without her. The moment he gets married. The moment he becomes a father.

I’ve made mistakes in my young life. Youth is not an excuse, and I am not trying to make it so. People say when a relationship gets to certain points, one should let go, and start again afresh with someone else. If one stays on, even if one can take it and is willing to, is/can the other party? One does not need to have a relationship where one has a black mark permanently against one. One can start again, find someone on equal terms. If you are young, you will forget, you will move on and meet someone else, and in time, you will look back on this as merely a puppy love. You will grow to love another. But you know what? THIS is that moment. That defining moment when I know I love this woman like I have and can love no other before and after again this way, when I know that I want to fight for us to stay together.

Perhaps after a severe jolt, a relationship has a certain scar in it. But I know this much: I am sincere, I genuinely want it to work and am willing to try for it, my love is still strong, and as long as God has his healing hand on us, we will be happy again. I have faith. I know I might be doubted, treated with less than ideal warmth. I know it will take a while to nurture the affection and emotion again. But I am willing, by God, am I more than willing. I know what I had, and I am willing to persevere and show my sincerity to get us back again to how we were. I want to shower her with affection so she can once again bask in the secure feeling of knowing undoubtedly where she stands in my heart. I will not mind nor will I complain. I made my bed and I will lie on it. I want to make things right for us again, I want to love her and make her happy again, and bring her the happiness she so deserves, I want to be that man she envisioned me to be, and give her the relationship she has always dreamed of. I want that chance to be the one who loves her, gives her love and happiness, heals her wounds, and make her right again. I want to patch up that hole in her heart, and sleep beside her every night possible.

If I have to migrate, I will. I want to, I can see the justifications, why another country can give us a better life, can give our family a good lifestyle. She was right all along, as she always is. I have learnt to respect her and truly appreciate her, for the way she thinks. She was willing to give up her dreams for me! And I almost threw her away. This time, we are sticking together, no matter how far we have to go to be together. We shall go away together, then we can both keep our dreams – her of being in her favourite country and not Malaysia, and me, of being with her together forever finally. We shall go away, and build our new life together, our little lovenest, and surround our house with happy healthy children and lots of music, good food and a wonderful library.

No woman can have a greater gift than that of having a husband she knows will always have her back. This means not only someone who can finance her needs and to a certain extent, her frivolous whimsies, but also someone who really has her best interests and happiness at heart. Someone who does the little things, who makes her feel loved and appreciated and wanted, someone who she can count on, who she knows is really her own and all hers, never sharing her with anyone else. Someone who she knows will never recognize temptation, never acknowledge temptations and will have the sense to recognize the right path, the discipline to never waver from it, and the non desire to ever do otherwise.

Sometimes things are really simple. Never lose sight of the end goal, and always ask myself is what I am doing right now bringing me closer or further from my end goal?

The answer will determine my actions.

Dear God, please let it not be too late...

Among the many tragedies in Life, one of the greatest is that, sometimes, boys learn their lessons too late. This tragedy is magnified not just because of the effect that this has on those who did wrong (although the effect is great) but because of the effect that this has on the innocent, hitherto perfect one who loves him, who might pay the price of his lessons by carrying around the scar that he has left on her.

How do you mend and heal a broken heart? How do you earnestly try to show that you have indeed learnt your lesson, almost paid the heaviest price imaginable for it, and sincerely work to care, love and heal a person’s broken heart again? How do you win back someone’s trust? Can you even win back someone’s trust? That someone who has always had trouble trusting people, letting him into her heart, allowing him into her life, giving him a special place in her, and forever not allowing anyone else to come close before this. How do I show that seeing that scar on her hurts me as much as it does her, how do I help to carry some of the pain from it, how do I if possible take it all onto myself, and how do I slowly heal and erase that wound and replace it with the brand of Love that we both want?

I did that scar to her. She is perfect, the most wonderful perfect girl I have ever met in my life, and I have met many. She is kind and sweet, loving and giving, generous and big hearted. She is wonderful with babies, has the gentlest patience and nature with them. She is pretty, has the sweetest smile, the most feminine laughter, and the most wonderfully spaced gap toothed grin I’ve ever seen. When I imagine myself with a happy family, she sits royally on the throne as my wife, and I see her as the mother of my kids, and I see myself showering her and bringing breakfast in bed for her. Her girlish laughter and hobbies, her jumping up and down with joy, her traipsing everywhere in those Japanese flip flops, every bit of those, in recollection now, tugs at my heartstrings. Her soft cheeks bob out like Mickey Mouse when she smiles, and her eyes twinkle when she is amused. Oh what I’d give to hear that loud genuine laugh again. She is smart, she is sensible, and she has the quirkiest sense of humour. We have similar outlooks, lifestyles, and even love the same books and music. I love the way she bobs up and down in rock concerts, the way she gazes dreamily out the car window, the way she rocks side to side when she walks, and the little zipped pockets of her Capri pants. I love that extra lump of flesh on either side of her thighs. I love the smells, the sounds, the smiles, the sighs, even the little burps. I love the little lines and bumps, every crease and crevice of her body. She has the nicest shoulders and arms, and the smoothest skin you’d never believe it was not a baby’s. She was … perfect. I loved, and love more with every moment, looking at her, gazing at her face, her lips when she eats.

And she was mine. All mine. And she envisioned the kind of love we’d have was the kind she’s dreamed of all these years, the kind that I had dreamed of all these years. We’d have the most awe inspiring, all encompassing, loving, giving, deep, enriching type of love that we’ve been dreaming of since we could dream of such things. She wanted a man she could trust, whom she could lean on and rely upon, whom she could call her own, and have absolute faith that he’d always do the right thing for them. She wanted a man deserving of the deep type of love she knew she could and wanted to give to the right person. And she thought he was the one, and she WANTED him to be the one, and in spite of the doubts and voices in her head, she prayed, oh how she prayed, and she decided to put her happiness and unblemished record in his hand and took that leap of faith.

And he became the happiest man around. A happier man you never did see, for people commented on his constant smiling, joking and happy ways. He was absolutely overjoyed, filled to the brim with his feelings for her. It gave him no greater joy than to see her laugh, see her smile, to see her being fed well, and see her sleeping beside him, snoring or open mouthed though she might be. He was overwhelmed with joy during their times in Melbourne, and he wished it wouldn’t end. Running around the city, waking up beside her and falling asleep beside her in the greatest city in the world, holding her when she was cold, warming her towels for her, taking photographs with her…he truly did feel complete and blessed, because here he was frolicking with the greatest girl in the world with whom he wanted to marry. The breakfast, the dinners, his favourite restaurants, the wandering around in the cold, breakfast at Miss Marple, her company was perfect in every way, and he could not ask for more. He gazed at her tenderly when she wasn’t aware, and he enjoyed every little touch of her.

But the story is not complete. His character up to that point was still not mature, not firm, and not as developed as it should be. He lacked good sense, was short-sighted and most of all, was not as strong as he should have been. His love for her was strong, and his desire to protect her from the doings of his flaws blinded him, and all he could think of was to shield and shelter her away and keep her wrapped warmly and snugly in his love for her while he put an end to the other issues that had dragged on for far too long. He wanted to keep her away from troubles, just remain happy and bouncy, and let him deal with bad things himself and not let it affect them. And hence, made the wrong choices, choosing to deceive her instead of doing what was good and true. And in doing so, despite her repeated pleas and chances, more than was reasonable or deserved, he did not do the right thing immediately, although he accelerated his external efforts to kill off the reasons for the deceit. And, as such things go, by and by, she found out.

Oh if only he had a time machine, he would do things so differently. For one, he would definitely have done goodbye when he said goodbye, never to entertain in any way anything whatsoever from the past in any form or shape, and never to feel pity, never to feel anything except to keep his eyes on his one true love all along. If only he had stood firm and struck at the iron decisively, he would never have hurt her so badly, never made her suffer so deeply. Right from the start he should have communicated totally openly, shared with her what was happening in all aspects of his life, and not tried to keep her happy and manage it himself. That is not a partnership. He should have never ever entertained any sort of communication and contact with who he had decided to call it quits with, he should have gone completely cold turkey, and he should have kept her in the loop at all times instead of trying to shield her and then risking her finding out and shooting to pieces her priceless trust of him.

But that’s all done and over with. At this point, the damage is done on both parties. The lesson is learnt. And he hopes, with all his heart, with every sinew, fibre and cell in his body, from the external epidermis right down to the marrow, that there is hope yet, that he can hold her, that she can lean her face against his chest, that he may hold her again, pat her head, stroke her hair, peck her face every morning and every night and even in the middle of the night when he wakes while she sleeps, that he may again once again whisper into her ears, that he may be granted sole privileges to her heart, that he may rub her back and give her soothing massages.

He is grateful for this chance to make amends. That is all he aims for now. For just one more chance to show her how much she means to him, to show her that thanks to her he understands what it means to be a man, to be strong firm and steady, to have an resolute and unwavering heart, to show that he knows what love means, what commitment means, and he wants to shower her with appreciation, give her flowers on ordinary occasions, just to be able to gently massage and soothe away the pain and replace it with happy thoughts and happiness again, to bring back that beautiful little girl whom he’d known before and loved so much.

Please God, dear God, please, give us the strength wisdom and capability to carry this out. Thank you for answering my prayers when I needed your hand and touch on this relationship, thank you for keeping us together, for showing me the sign, thank you for this new lease of life, thank you for giving me 1 more chance to make right and amend all my wrongs, thank you for making her generous enough to accept me again, grant us your divine help to slowly heal her pain, to make her right again, to make her happy and bask securely in my love thank you father god. Let me show you how deeply grateful I am, and I shall never fail you nor deviate from your path. Thank you for your guiding healing hand on this relationship. Thank you. Amen.

Chosen One 1 Peter 2:9. This is a wonderful word of encouragement and it reflects the great destiny of us who believe in Jesus. Because God called us “chosen one” we are to be witness to the watching world, not just with our words but also with our actions. The way we run our business, treat our neighbours and nurture our children. How we need the Holy Spirit to make us more like Jesus so that others will see Him because of what they see in you.

I Love You

This post is dedicated to the most wonderful girl in the world.


Today I introduce the woman who will one day be my wife within the next 3 years. This is Joanne.



If ever I know what is love and commitment, I learnt it from her. I love you.

Blank Sheet / Clean Slate - 1 door closes, another opens

* BLOG REOPENS IN DEC












THIS IS A NEW BEGINNING. IT HAS BEEN A NEW BEGINNING FOR SOME TIME NOW.


NOW TIME WILL PLAY ITS PART, AND I WILL PLAY MY PART, AND I HOPE WE DON'T HAVE TO PART.


I TRULY DO WANT HER, BUT IS IT IN HER BEST INTERESTS?


this is driving me nuts...

New lease of life

This is the worst birthday ever. So much for turning 25. Theres only so many regrets one can have in ones life before one realizes that regrets are the results of decisions that turned out wrong, and if one has many regrets, obviously one's decision making is deeply flawed.

One can never be fully erased of ones past transgressions or sins. No matter how much we try to leave things behind, manage things out, it just won't work, will it? Justifications will never absolve one of wrongdoing, no matter who is perceiving it.

Well I've been given a new lease of life. A new beginning, if you will, if thats even possible, to mend all those holes. Would it ever be enough, can we undo or repair what damage we've caused?

Shall temp stop updating this blog for a while til I get a grip on myself.

myCareer

Haih...

Bachelor life was good. You only think of yourself, just you you you, want to go home early? Just drop it and go! You want to play sports? Just drop it and go!

But once happily attached, life does get better.

However, theres a flip side to it. You realize you are on that road to adulthood, journeying through maturity, on a path where theres a greater destination awaiting you. And sometimes on this path, in order to reap the desired rewards, there is a price to pay.

I want nice holidays for my wife and kids. I want my kids to have a good education. I want them to lead a comfortable life, with a neat tidy house and lots of books and good music and great food. Although the best things in life, such as appreciating a girlfriend's legs, are free, some things do need to be paid for financially. And so, I realize I do need a career.

It is time to buckle down. I complain a bit, but I have in a way resigned myself to my lot. Looks like it is going to be working hard and investing in my career from this point on. Got to put myself in a position to command the salary requisite to lead and provide the lifestyle outlined above.

It does piss me off a bit though. How come people in other industries can earn so much more? I guess it boils down to whether I want to take a risk and move to another industry where it is potentially more lucrative or to focus and specialize in my current. If specialize, this is a good spot to be in for the next yer or 2, and if move, it's best to start seeking now and procrastinate no longer.

This is sounding really like a broken record...

ITS STARTED

THE NBA SEASON HAS COMMENCED!!!

It's started it's started!

OMG. My life has meaning again. Bliss, pure unadulterated bliss. From Nov til June, non stop action packed basketball! Ahh...Ahh...the dissections..statiscial analysis.. plots..trades..roster tweaks..strategy..drama..subplots..

Isn't it great? Life is looking up again. Rship with the gf is on the mend.

Walala! The sun IS shining brightly today.

And the Sports Club finally managed to help us book a court! oh joy. must get enough ppl to go...please please..dear God...let us keep this indoor court.

And when the time comes, it's time for the Ops team to kick some ass.

Revelations

It is good that Kenny is a Christian, and as I travel down this road, he is there to constantly be a companion. Granted, not a very inspiring or good role model, but a companion is nonetheless a companion, and to have a fellow scholar being that companion helps immeasurably. He sends me messages that are passages from the Bible regularly that he receives from someone else.

I've always thought people can seldom become strong, convicted Christians rooted in deep faith and walk around testifying to His miracles unless they themselves have personally experienced His hand on them. Even for strong convicted Christians to take the next step, many require more convincing, a personal testimony to God's hand in their life. But I was recently in acquaintance with this scientific economist man who gave a very convincing service that touched on the fact that you cannot wait; you can never be ready; there is never a better time. You have to take that initiative, you have to make that first move, that next step, and really truly have faith and believe in Him that if you decide to make that leap, He will be there to hold your hand and to guide you, never to let you fall, and letting His hand resonate throughout what you doubt.

After I decided that I would truly seek Him out, and to accept Him in my life, and to submit myself totally, to believe that I have been arrogant and proud, to invite and beseech Him to enter my life and to entrust my life to His management, I have experienced slight philosophical changes in various aspects of life. Recently, times have been rather tumultuous. Lots of sorrowful ups and downs, and I have been praying, praying hard that the silver lining reveal itself soon, that He shows me the light and what the right direction is.

And this brings me to that story of the Christian on the rooftop during some floods, who rejected 3 offers of rescue, claiming that God would save him, and then in the end drowning. And when he questioned why God did not save him, God answered that he sent 3 rescue teams, each of whom the man rejected. Moral: God works in mysterious ways. His intentions and methods are not immediately obvious, but we need to have faith in him. We need to have faith in Him. We should not be looking for obvious signs. Sometimes, He is guiding us, but not in obvious ways, and if we look for obvious ways, we might miss His real signs. There is another story of a man who got lost coming down from a mountain, when the mist settled on the mountains, and he clung to the rope, refusing to let go. Then he prayed to God to save him, and he heard God's voice telling him repeatedly to let go of the rope. He just could not do it. Next morning his hypothermia-ed corpse was found clinging onto the rope, 3 feet above safe solid ground. So sometimes, we need to listen to God's voice, and no matter how much sense it makes or does not make, we need to just obey His voice, and have faith that it is right.

Since the above, I have prayed to God or sometimes not, when I am feeling sorrowful and down. I think I have forgotten myself, perhaps looking in the wrong directions, or looking for the wrong sorts of signs. I am looking for clear and obvious answers. And have encountered...none. But does this mean that the Lord God has abandoned me? No. He is ever loving and faithful. I have misinterpreted His methods of guidance. The answer would not be in the form of a blinding light striking me in the middle of the night, with a voice telling me loud and stern and in an unmistakably authoritative and clear voice "TAKE THIS ROAD". Because, when I think about it, He HAS been answering my prayers! He has! Its jus that I never realized so.

From the first paragraph above, remember I said I have been receiving SMSes, from a friend's uncle? I just realized that these SMSes have always struck me when I am down and sorrowful. Just when I need Him and his guidance. Not when I am happy and contented. And they have always directly applied to that particular circumstance. Been caught up in emotional turmoil and events the last few weeks, and though I think I have tried to be selfless and considering towards others, I think I need to stand up, grow up, be mature, and be a bigger man, and not let MY emotional issues crap the hell out of everyone and everything.

The gf has her life, her issues, her difficulties to sort out. If I truly loved her, I would not allow my stupid issues to bog us down, I would not add to her many woes. I would be even kinder, more giving, more selfless, and stop thinking about myself. I have be less self absorbed. For the time being, things in her life are not balanced, and she needs me more than ever, and hence, this is not the time to think of me, but to be there for her. This is the time for her her her. To be there for her. My gosh, how could I have been so blind and self absorbed?

Received another SMS today:

Serving Hearts Philippians 2:3-7
Holy Spirit, work in me a desire to please You rather than impress people. Forgive me for my selfishness and for focusing on my life, my needs and problems. Help me to care more about others and their needs and to have a servant's heart so that You can do Your work through me.

And I shall follow it, and perhaps, this will do more for her and for our relationship than anything else.

Sze Ern

Sze Ern is the name of my niece. She is very very cute. I have not seen her for a year. BUT she is arriving in an hour or so!!! OMG! I get to hug her again! Get to kiss her and smell her again! She is v cute. And she smells so nice. And her skin is so soft. And she can now call me. OMG. I can't wait.


I am going to be the bestest uncle ever ever.




Sze Ern...!

Girls & Safety

It worries me to death that so many girls here in KL are living so dangerously. When I say dangerously, I don't just mean driving fast. I mean in the precautions they take to ensure their own safety. With the out of control crime rate and the stories of people breaking into houses and harming their female occupants, or kidnappings, or car jackings etc etc, it worries me sick when I think of my loved ones.

Maybe it is my super paranoid mum who instilled all these thoughts and precautionary measures in my head.

Argh. Hate these FUCKING CRIMINALS.

- - -

Calmed

I'm over it. Emo outbursts are not me.

Had an entertaining and revelatory chat with 2 'elder sisters', great ppl and colleagues, about life and relationships, from the perspective of 2 girls who are around 30 years old.

Settled some questions and doubts and issues.

Why does everyone keep telling me that I am very young, and that a 25 year old guy is very young? I don't feel so. I want to get married! Need the cash and financial stability first though.

I think I am feeling more sure of myself. Just got to stop worrying too much about other people and just focus more on me.

Dept dinner tonight...better quickly wrap up my work and then go.

Foolish me. Oh, foolish me.

Feeling really REALLY really stupid and in doubt. But it is my own fault. Nobody pushed me or did or said anything to make me do what I did.

I thought I saw something. Thought I was right. Thought I was oh so right. Thought this was different, thought this was special. Thought this was going to be IT. Thought we were on the same page. Thought this was just the usual teething problems that at this phase you tend to go through but would quickly iron itself out. Thought I was doing the right thing. This after all is what I want. Thought it was the same.

But received shocking shocking revelations.

You thought this is IT, you think hey I have found the right person, the person who finally makes it worth changing and revamping yourself for, who makes it all worthwhile. Who makes me want to be different. Who inspires me to be everything I know I can be, and for her. Then you build around her, your dreams, you make this relationship the foundation of the rest of your life. Everything from this moment on you build for her and you, for us. You trusted her, you frickin idiot. You should have trusted in God instead. He was right. Build around Him, and HE will never let you down. WE were going to be one entity, and this was the beginning moments of the rest of our lives together.

Absolutely hurting right now, shall need a bit of effort to recover from this.

But can't blame nobody but me.

Nobody forced me. Perhaps I wanted it so bad, was so happy that it came true, that I chose to..see it this way. Hm.

Anyway. We walk, we run, we stumble, we fall, we rise up, we walk, we jog, we run, we see the same pothole that tripped us. This time, we aren't going to fall for it again.

My astrology reading

Firstly, let me write this disclaimer: People love believing and hearing good stuff about themselves, e.g. in horoscopes, astrology guides, etc. But I stumbled across this y'day and I thought it brilliantly described me. Exactly how I see myself. Here goes...the astrology reading is in normal font, and where/what I choose to comment, my comments are italicized.

Beneath a controlled, cool exterior beats the heart of the deeply intense Scorpion. Passionate, penetrating, and determined, this sign will probe until they reach the truth. The Scorpion may not speak volumes or show their emotions readily, yet rest assured there's an enormous amount of activity happening beneath the surface. Excellent leaders, the Scorpion is always aware. When it comes to resourcefulness, this sign comes out ahead.

Why, thank you! How true. On the surface, most of the time, unless I am really bothered, I try not to show it, and only people really close to me would be able to read my facial expressions to gauge my moods. I struggle to show emotion or to speak about it, but for the right reasons, I will strive to do so. Oftentimes my brain is running rapidly.

Friends and Family

Sincerity and truth are strong components of the Scorpion's friends. It can take some time before really close bonds are formed, but once done, the Scorpion will remain dedicated and loyal. Witty and intellectual, they prefer companions who are humorous and easygoing. Full of surprises, this sign will give you the shirt off their backs if that's what you need; yet, once they are crossed, there's no turning back. They feel deeply, and once hurt, it can be impossible to turn things around. Commitment to family is strong and consistent with the Scorpion. They are exceptionally helpful in managing affairs, and they are excellent advocates when one is needed.

Sincerity and truth! Priceless indeed and no amount of $ can ever earn these 2 intangibles. Hence I only have my 9 scholars circle of fship and trust and thats enough for me. I will do anything (almost) for them. Humor and easygoing - that describes my fships to a T! And haha, true enough, I feel deeply (ew how pansy of me) and find it tough to deal with hurt. Family commitment - goes without saying.

Career and Money

"I desire" is the key phrase for the Scorpion. They are fantastic at managing, solving, or creating. Once the Scorpion sets their sights on a goal, there's no deterring this sign. Tasks that require a scientific, penetrating approach are always best done by the Scorpion, as they will delve deeply into the materials they have. Their ability to focus, coupled with determination, makes for strong management skills. They're not ones to worry about making friends on the job scene; rather, they prefer to see the task accomplished well.

Ahh...can I write this on my CV? As I always tell my other half, once I target a duck, that duck is a dead ringer, sitting or otherwise. And as my colleagues will attest, I care more for settling the task than to make friends. Hear ye hear ye Mr 'Friend'.

Pursuing such careers as a scientist, doctor, investigator, navigator, detective, researcher, police officer, business manager, and psychologist all suit the mighty Scorpion. Respect is an essential aspect of working for this sign. They need to respect their coworkers, while also feeling a sense of being respected by others.

The importance and value of respect for one's bosses and colleagues can never ever be overstated. Most of the above jobs sound attractive, but the most attractive 2 words are 'mighty Scorpion'. =)

Disciplined enough to stick to a budget and unafraid of working as hard and as long as it takes puts the Scorpion in a good financial position. Many are fortunate and inherit money. Whatever the case - and regardless of the balance - they are great managers of their dollars and are not apt to overspend at all. Money means security and a sense of control, which is important to the Scorpion. Therefore, they're going to hang onto the majority of the cash, making decisions carefully before turning any of it over.

I'm of age. Watch me bring to life the above, and money does mean a sense of security and in control.

Love and Sex

This is the strongest of the sexualities in the zodiac. Incredibly passionate, the Scorpion takes intimacy seriously. Partners need to be intelligent and honest. Much of the foreplay for this sign happens long before the bedroom through conversation and observation. Once in love, they are devoted and loyal to the death. But relationships can take some time. The Scorpion needs to build trust and respect for a potential mate slowly and thoroughly.

Ah ha! My fav part. =) '..takes intimacy seriously' . Definitely. 'Passionate'. Very. 'Partners need to be intelligent and honest'. Uncompromisably. See that part about foreplay? Spot on. 'Once in love, loyal and devoted to death'. YEP, Only 1 lover for me.

SCORPIO TIDBITS

Scorpio Birthdays
October 23 - November 21

Ooh I am right smack in the middle. I hence must be one true blue Scorpio to the hilt.

Health

Each sign has a part of the anatomy attached to it, making this the area of the body that is most sensitive to stimulation. The anatomical areas for Scorpio are the genitals, bladder, rectum, and the reproductive organs.

Gosh, not only does this explain why I am so horny, but it also tells me to always use protection, considering my virility. Haha! I want sons.

Ruling Planet

The ruling planet for Scorpio is Pluto. Traditionally, this planet rules that which is hidden from view. It also represents conception, birth and death, slow growth, generation, regeneration, unpopular causes, anonymity, phobias, and the exposition of secrets.

Deep.

Colors

The colors of choice for Scorpio are dark red to maroon.

Blood. Mmm.

Gemstone

Scorpio's star stone is the opal.

Hey thats the name of the condo I would like to buy.

Lucky Numbers

Scorpio's lucky numbers are 2, 7, and 9.

I will marry my 2nd gf, when I am 27, and she is 29, and my b'day is on the 9th. Furthermore, We get together 2 years after meeting, in the year 2007, and marry in 2009. Someone, please play JT's 'Signs'.

Compatibility

Scorpions are most compatible with Pisces and Cancer.

A scorpion, a fish, and a crab. Enough seafood alredi! So much iron and zinc, no wonder so virile. Cholesterol too.

Opposite Sign

The opposite sign of Scorpio is Taurus.

ah.

The Perfect Gift

The best gifts for a Scorpio are sentimental choices, clothing (especially something sexy), and non-fiction books.

Correct. Not lingerie. A silky nighttie that ends mid thighs is just about right.

Likes

Truth, facts, flirtation, long-time friends

True, and let me clarify, the flirtation is great only if its with the gf and wife. You know, the day-long innuendoes that leads me to cant concentrate at work and cant wait to get home and her into my arms.

Dislikes

The superficial, flattery, shallow people, being taken advantage of

100% hammer on the nail.

House

Natural sign of the Eighth House. This house focuses on sex, taxes, death and rebirth, a partner's resources, inheritance, and regeneration.

No wonder I like the number 8. And no wonder I am dirty minded, just blogged about death, want to have many kids, want to earn more than my spouse, inherited something from my mum, and am habitually engaged in activities that make me assess and improve myself. [Stretching it, no?]

Famous Scorpios

Carl Sagan, Jodie Foster, Indira Gandhi, Prince Charles and Grace Kelly

Watch this space. In 60 years, my name will be there too.

Romancing the ..colleague

Office romances.

I've always had a principle that one should never be dating a colleague. #1 it accelerates everything to saturation point if you sleep together, drive together, live together, eat together, and now, work together. Nobody can be with another person 24/7. Practically the only time you are separated is while asleep (not really since you're lying side by side), or using the toilet. #2 it is awkward for me to have a professional rship with one whom I share my personal life with.

What if there are personal life disputes? How to not let it carry over to work, and vice versa? I set v high and demand similar standards from myself and others ard me. What if either party fails to meet the professional demands of the other? I'd hate for my spouse to think I am incompetent. #3, in the event of a sour ending, how to maintain cordial relationships etc?

Whilst heavily in the midst and thick of several workplace romances swirling around me, I shall amend my principle. It is ok to work in the same company if both are in separate depts and barely see each other. Such as the above 3 conditions are not true, then it is ok. Heck, it is sort of good because we both can talk about the same stuff/people/issues and totally relate to each other, whilst avoiding the above 3 scenarios. And I can fetch her to and from work. Good.

Death of an icon

Lim Goh Tong is dead. A Malaysian icon, a name synonymous with the very definition of successful entrepreneurship.

Moment of silence as a mark of respect.

The man solely responsible for conceptualizing, creating and actualizing Genting Highlands & the Genting Group. A man who started off penniless, with no education and who was armed only with his wit, business acumen and work ethic. He also must have had a lot of balls.

This is the end of an era, a man who was 90 years old, who went through it all and saw it all, who rubbed shoulders with all the M'sian Prime Ministers, who contributed to our tourism industry, who was there when the Japanese attacked, when the Brits left us to die, when Chin Peng roamed the highlands that Genting was a part of, who rubbed shoulders with the likes of Boon Siew, the founders of numerous local banks, the Kuoks...

Times have changed. Conditions are not the same as they were, not as ripe for creating the modern day equivalent. Entrepreneurs are becoming scarcer and scarcer, as people increasingly opt for 'safe' careers. Will we ever see again another such person?

Personally, I am just grateful that he created Genting, for whatever it may be now, however the weather may be, back in those days as a little boy, going there with the family was a wonderful and cold experience that created many fond and long lasting familial bonds and memories.

Reading about his body lying in the coffin while his friends and family went to pay their last respects just served to drive into me human mortality. For once there was Lim Goh Tong, the man, the spark, and people shook his hand, touched him, talked to him, heard his voice, played mahjong with him, and now there he lies in that coffin. Forever extinguished, and what seemed so real only yesterday, when one could hear the voice and watch the limbs move on their own accord, is now something so... unreal. I can't even begin to understand what I am trying to say, hence I am not doing a v good job saying it. Just like that a human, a man, is now a corpse. Look to your left and right. See that person there? One moment, you hear the person moving around, speaking, coughing, typing, doing things of their own accord.

Stand up, stab the person's throat 10 times with a sharp knife, and stand back and watch. The person is now dead. Where once there was human life, there is now a corpse.

On an aside, ever wondered about how come the normal insignificant things in life such as hair, nails, tongue, become suddenly very spooky in death? E.g. "When they opened the coffin after 10 years, they found the hair & nails had grown longer." Or. .."..when they fished her out of the river, her tongue was hanging out, and had become twice as long and twice as thick".

Really ramblings

I had so many things swirling around my head, banging around my skull, begging dying and jostling to be first in line down the slide of veins & nerves that connect to my fingers in order to be first to be typed out...

Unfortunately, as with 80% of the other times, once I sit here and actually type.. I've forgotten em all.

Luckily, a couple of issues stuck.

I think my body is trying to tell me something.

Seems like I am never 'full' these days! I am perpetually eating/wanting to eat/able and ready to eat and I never feel full. Whats the matter?

Is it a reaction to emotional stress?

I don't know. It's just like this huge insatiable monster that needs to constantly be fed fed fed. Like a bottomless black hole I am. I never feel full.

I guess it might be a mixture of under eating the past 1 month, combined with the emo stress. Nevermind...since I am hungry, since I am dropping weight and muscle like crazy, I might as well eat eat eat.

Moving on...

My car is a dodgy piece of metal. It consumes petrol like a minister takes bribes, which is to say, unsatiably, and has no pickup power or speed, the tyres are dodgy and the gearbox is cranky. All in all, I'd gladly trade it in for a LeRun with Shimano 6 speed m-bike with 26" alloy rims and front/back suspensions. At any rate, the idea of purchasing a car has been popping in and out of my mind with increasing regularity nowadays and is becoming more n more difficult to push away. Financial prudence wise, it's either the Vios or City. But after driving the Camry in Melbourne (rented car, sadly) I am totally sold on it. Totally. I want it! But it being a rather large car, I also harbour secret dreams of buying a Civic. Looks nice, powerful, fast. I've driven each of the above cars b4 and frankly, I'm happy with either the Camry or Civic.

But, if I boiled it down...right back to my last year in Melb.. the car I really had set my sights on, and would have purchased had I gotten an offer earlier, is the...de de de den...[drumroll please because it's not often I obsess about cars]..Mazda 6!

Why does very good things in life cost an arm and a leg? Luckily the very best things in life are still free, such as the gf's affection (not really!) . *pat* *pat*.

Please... give me a windfall...

Envy those lucky bastards who drive powerful cars courtesy of richie rich parents. But what the hell, my mum bought me a condo, for which I am eternally grateful, so least I can do is buy my own friggin car. But let it be known, I want a good car not for image purposes, but mostly for the driving experience and if you drove my current car around a bit, you'd understand what I mean, you bastards who take for granted your powerful cars you.