Here Again, Down South

Hey jolly peeps!

I'm here again, down South, in the good ol place called Singapore, for the time being my one refuge, the holiday hame. A place to run off to when I dont want to think of work.

OK I was watching the amazing race asia on TV jus now..wat the heck? the 2 pakistani dudes were quite unsporting la...wah lose lose la.. u did break the rules wat. cheh! and the girl with the boyfriend who came in near last, the angmoh girl...damn competitive ok...i mean competitive is ok la but she was more kiasu then most singaporeans i know! like to the extent of giving false info la, this n that la...the msian couple made me feel proud...not bad...coming up second, and only faltering due to unfamiliarity with kicking rugby balls. and the other couple, the indian/chinese girls, they did well too, and were rather sweet to watch.

the indian/angmoh guy who were best friends...were amusing as hell, especially when the indian guy was crying coz he couldnt take heights. ok la it IS rather mean of me..but he was crying when all he had to do was jus sit at ground level n film his friend bungee jump!

ok but wat takes the cake was the indo brothers..damn damn funny ok...totally non aggressive, a bit soft...but jus damn amusing. when they were trying to kick the rugby balls like 22m away between 2 posts..i admit it was rather challenging not sure if i can do it, but those 2 jus took the crown man.

in thick indo accent.

guy 1: come on mardi, jus do it.
guy 2: im trying im trying i cannot.
guy 1: come on, just kick it, just kick.
guy 2: ok ok, just kick it.
guy 2 takes a run up, goes near the ball, almost there, shuffles a bit to get his timing, kicks the ball, the ball DROPS off its starting tee position and rolls a few feet.

haha...geez and they kept doing n saying funny things. but i liked them v much coz they were genuinely nice, and stuck to the rules, and tried to win by being better, not by pushing others down.

saw another show...something to do with...plastic surgery...shit! what would possess a woman to .. go thru it... i mean..jus eat less n exercise la dei...we saw the doctors like literally CUT OPEN her stomach, lift up the flaps of skin like opening a pig stomach, and like carve out n remove 2 huge chunks of fat..liposuction la, but man, they were like...a frickin pigs kidney size.

jus damn gross la wei. slab after slab of lard. then injecting botox n watnot onto the face la eye area la lips la..

hello sister u really want to look better this bad meh? then us prevent urself from getting into the shape ur in la..like sleep better eat better exercise better...

geez..and the family members must like cry cry and make it seem like such a life threatening ordeal. come on la u lousy westerners. it was a COSMETIC thing that she CHOSE to go for ok. lets put things in perspective.

thats the problem with these westerners. alwiz shelter the kids la this la that la until the kids grow up soft n unexposed to LIFE and then small small thing OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD cry here cry there ... toughen up mate.

little bit thing got stress la post traumatic stress disorder la see shrink la.

hey sooner or later they r gonna know there IS NO easter bunny tooth fairy or santa claus right?

ok la santa must try to make them believe.. i did like that magic as a kid.. but the easter bunny was frickin scary so mights well let them know its fake in the first place, and the tooth fairy as well. otherwise, the disappointment of later finding out THERE IS NO SUCH THING is like even worse right.

today was at cineleisure to watch happy feet..(gimme a fin!)...funny show la ok i recommend it but anyway i was on the escalator and i noticed this guy leaning over the girl in front of him like quite drastically though not too obviously but still in an unnatural way so i looked harder and the grl was wearing quite a low plunging neckline and then it hit me the bugger was OGGLING at her kinda quite revealed cleavage. wah...how much more blatant can u be brada..control a bit can..go back n get ur..selma khan soft porn posters ok..

geez..been here jus a day and alredi starting all the la la ba ba...gotta stop it..oh today i heard this guy say damn loudly right near my ear .."WAH PIANG EH!"

truly, singapore, i have arrived.

Insomnia, go away

Can't sleep...again.

So started to listen to a few of my pink floyds..

Comfortably Numb - (my PF fav, which also, incidentally, was played in The Departed)
Dark Side of the Moon
Time

Still couldnt sleep..so decided to play my guitar a bit..songs I used to play in my room somewhere in the middle of the night back in melb..

stumbled across this gem..that came out somewhere in .. second yr i think.

Gary Jules - Mad World.

Lyrics are oh so very apt.



GARY JULES LYRICS

"Mad World"

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

Aging

Took a good look at my mum just now, and for the first time, really can see her age. Then compared to her photo hanging on the wall. Wow. Then got to thinking about my friends. Anyway, here's what I have observed.

Ladies. If you are 23 and above. It is time.

Recently I have noticed among several female friends of mine who are 25 and above, subtle but visible signs of aging. Theres the skin color going slightly browner, less 'alive' hair, double chin (especially when viewed from sideways) and general wrinkles ard the eyes and a softening of the flesh.

Now, to be objective, guys are aging too. My mates and I have started the one pec journey, where the cute little paunch now soon will be more than that, and will eventually hang over the trousers' belt loops, then, gets in the way of the seatbelt/steering wheel, and eventually, bending down to tie ones shoelaces will be a chore. Which is why I am doing crunches like mad and watching my eating times in order to prevent the currently still healthy looking tummy of mine from ballooning out. rock hard abs and pecs are unnecessary. just maintain the flatness, thats all im asking for, thank you god. recovery time after clubbing n drinking is longer. stamina is less. a night of clubbing n intense drinking would eventually knock me out when the sun is UP, and i'd be ready to go again that evening. but now? ho ho ... ho ho...no way jose. and sports as well. where we used to go 6, 7 hours non stop under the hot sun of intense no holds barred basketball, and do it again nxt day, now, 3 hrs tops, and i feel like im dying. and i cant move the next few days. so, im not targetting females only per se.

and i know its natural to age. and its silly ridiculous n immature to expect a woman to look young n stay young n supple forever. fair, fair.

all im saying is.. this is the age where ur body starts to slow down.. cells dont heal so fast.. dont regenerate so fast...so..take proper care of ur health..eat properly, drink ur water, dont skip ur fruits, get enough sleep, put on ur moisturiser, dont use too drying a cleanser, get sports to detox n destress, dont eat heavy meals, dont eat when its too late, dont drink too much, dont smoke too much, take ur vits, and, (esp for u rukireka), go easy on the sauces n stuff.

sorry dont mean to sound patronizing or controlling. thats jus my opinion. u might think ur fine now...but u give away a little of urself each time u give birth.

this is the age where ur body builds the foundation for ur old age. treat ur body bad now, and u wont feel the effects until ur 40 when everything suddenly hits... treat ur body well now, and like a well maintained machine, it will last you til old age. i think all of us wouldnt want to live our lives selfishly satisfying all our wants n fancies, and then, when we are old and sick, making our husband and kids pay in terms of pain worry heartbreak doctors fees while we also pay the price ...

my greatest fear is growing old n losing bodily control and dying with indignity. some more the high costs of living n medical care.. dont want to burden my kids. just.. commit suicide.

ignore my silly ramblings, its ur choice. im jus being way too overdramatic.

Geek, Nerd, Wats the diff?

Extremely long post coming up...

What makes a geek/nerd?
Whats the difference anyway?

Heres why you should date a geek/nerd aka me [Link].

I bumped into a friend just now when I was out having a quick stroll at The Curve just to get out of the room for a little while, and met a friend who had just finished studying architecture at melbourne uni. he looked so different now. back then, he was the prototypical yet not so prototypical art student - tall, lean, lanky, in his checkered shirt and bellbottom style jeans, alwiz carrying his black portfolio, wearing his suede shoes, alwiz listening to some avant garde music, poised, getting good grades, and dabbling in un-insignificant amounts of dope...he still seemed to epitomize academic coolness to me. being geeky n non geeky in his concentration on his craft. but now he was so different. wearing his corporate shirt n tie, complete with gold pen in breast pocket, no one could have associated the professional him (with more meat n weight, no longer the emaciapated art student look) with the student him of years gone by. smooth, confident, extending his namecard while exuding professional competency, i could see he was now doing well indeed.

When I was at uni, I used to take pride in having geeky/nerdy elements such as liking to read fantasy books (and i mean REAL fantasy, not the typical hogwash), i was enrolled in an IT engineering course, i was passionate about my programming, my need for spectacles (beyond a certain distance), my habit of taking a particular complex programming problem and locking myself in my room for hours n hours with nothing but a constant supply of whisky/coke/sprite (and sometimes kfc, sometimes pizza) and switching off the lights and playing my rock music while i hungrily sunk my teeth into the juicy world of how to make my coding more elegant, how to call subclasses from the class of a different library, how to use the catch to prevent exceptions rather than the more resource consuming but simpler if then else loop..etc etc.

I delighted in the geek culture of the faculty, liked stories like 'the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy', had no problems making a beeline for the software books section of any library/bookstore, had an endless stream of software websites i subscribed to and visited regularly, bought countless software magazines, delighted in using my holidays to do little projects for myself to improve my software acumen, and admired the guys like my polish friend who i personally saw live in action doing the below in this exact sequence:

1) open door for me to enter his house
2) explain to me briefly on his monitor what he has done and how to follow up
3) pour me a beer
4) finished his beer, mixed himself a drink
5) make out with girl #1 RIGHT BEHIND me..
6) receive a call. hush hush tones. went downstairs. comes back in 5 mins with some dope.
7) shares it with others in the room.
8) non stop drinking.
9) turns around n goes under the blankets with girl #2 while another guy is tackling girl # 1 and by this time everyone is more or less drunk esp the girls.
10) another guy yanks the blanket covering my polish friend n girl #2, revealing em in the full coital act in their full glory and they r too drunk to notice

all this while im sitting there, trying to converge various java code with asp.net and seeing how the hell to link it to my mysql database using ado.net.

how the hell am i gonna do that with the fricking zoo n the ruckus behind me?

so im stuck and i cant progress coz its too frickin complicated so i decided i mights well enjoy the show right? so im watching em. then polish guy is done. he rolls off. stinks of alcohol n weed, and comes up to me, with a small towel around his privates and a face thats beetroot from the alcohol.

"heyy...aarrlex...so..hauss eet going?"

slurred.

"hey simon. er i kinda did nothing. but that was a cool bit of code, how u laced the different functions together to form your own subroutine."

"yea? come, morve it...lemme see how far we are .."

he sits there.. then...looks at the stuff... moans.. says he doesnt understand it..(when in fact HE wrote everything all along..) gets up, goes n pours himself another whisky on the rocks, sits down, and then, i see this intense focussed look on his face. i talk to him. he doesnt answer.

i turn around n entertain myself looking at the various ppl in various states of undress n consciousness. this was a total deviation from what i was used to n culturally accustomed/exposed to, and i was alternating between a state of interest, excitement, curiosity, disgust, voyeurism, shy, embarassed, guilt, modest, didnt-fit-in. anyway i went downstairs to drink some water n get away from the smell of weed.

20 minutes later i go up. simon's getting up from the chair, he looks totally whacked, crawls into bed, and basically dies. i stab him with my toe, he doesnt respond. but heres the best part.

the FUCKING PROGRAM WORKS!!!

wat can i make of it? the bugger nerd/geek is a genius. he saved me and billy's ass ok for that assignment. btw billy was stoned out cold long before i went for my water downstairs.

wow..i jus admire his geek ability u know? to be so fucking good at such technical stuff..

i've alwiz believed geeks are smartest...and geeks do end up being the richest...examples abound. for a time a year or 2 back, geeks were COOL. everyone WANTED to be a geek in some way or associated in some way to being nerdy. i enjoyed geek/nerd themed shows [The Revenge of the Nerds].

much as i wanted to be a geek, i had a REAL BONAFIDE geek friend who told me, much to my heartbreak,

"alex...ur too fashion conscious, vain and articulate to be a real geek. real geeks dont have much of a social life. u have a little."

"but im not handsome! i wear the same shit to uni, in my small hat, im in my small world, i dont talk to nobody, and i dont drive a cool car. and i dont really hang out much or go out. it just seems dat way but in truth, im never really out"

"sorry...u still just dont cut it."

"why?"

"u've got to read more of our kind of books..u've got to be interested in diff kinds of things...u are too into sports...jus coz u love software doesnt mean ur a geek. u jus dont have the geek aura. stop trying. i mean, see, u dun wear specs. u have oakley sunglasses. and worst, u like techno and hiphop."

"wah, so now u've got this exclusive club eh? dont u think u are too stereotypical in ur definition of geek?"

"i dont get u"

"ok, nvm."

this coming from a non stereotypical geek. he doesnt wear his pants up to his throat, doesnt wear long sleeeved checkered shirts, doesnt wear glasses 2 inches thick and that covers half his face etc.

i wanted to be geeky in a way, but i didnt want to be a complete geek. sigh...when u have geeks protecting their turf so ferociously...wat can i do but give up trying to enter the vaunted club? their banding together actually is a collective response as a fightback/reaction to the perceived constant harassing they feel the world gives them. the collective feeling that the world perceives them as losers and perennial bully fodder and girl doormats.

so when the whole wannabe-a-geek thing exploded, they prolly jus felt it was another way of poking fun at them. i get it.

ppl...pls..take it easy on them... without geeky nerdy doctors, engineers, computer scientists... the world would be a much much much shittier place.

Flower Power..bring back the 60s + 70s!

Have been listening to Hold Me Closer (from the Almost Famous soundtrack) for the last few hours.. on repeat.

Dunno why, listening to this song, transports me to another time & place.

You know, THAT era..of records..of bands..of floppy hair..confused ppl..the vague smell of dope..trousers that taper in at the knees and flare out at the ankles..big sunglasses..

of morrison..of hendrix..of rolling stones..of mick jagger..of that show the banger sisters with susan sarandon and goldie hawn..of that almost famous show with kate hudson..of groupies..

of london and how it must have been like..of the backstreets of melbourne's suburbs..of brunswick street..or fitzroy street...where the ppl are still dressed in gypsy clothes, where time looks like it has stood still..where i can still find decent records shops..and guys who work in there who are passionate about music.. where i can talk to them for hours about led zeppelin, pink floyd, hendrix, dire straits, cream, and the deftones..and where ppl are generous and gave me some free rolling stones + morrison + beatles posters...and where i bought an original CD (the beatles' sg pepper's lonely hearts club band) at AUD$5..a RIDICULOUSLY discounted rate which they mights well have given it to me for. unfortunately, as with much of my stuff, that CD got lost during my move back from melbourne to kl (old house) and subsequently from old house to new house.

i think if i lived then, i would definitely grow a moustache n run off to nepal or kathmandu yea, take in some dope, and see wat happens.. perhaps i would ruin my entire life...i might go to liverpool, immerse myself in the culture there, run off to tokyo, meet a japanese girl, study liberal arts, struggle to make ends meet, but have the time of my life, and when the world continues to advance n march on, i could either grow up, mellow, settle down n face reality, or, travel to kathmandu n remain there til today, clutching onto the vague dope filled memories of the hippie days long gone by.

wat a time to be alive...must have been incredibly romantic as well..can u imagine our parents being young then? being alive then? the antics they would have gotten up to? ppl of certain age groups all act the same, regardless of what generation.

i note that i have a dangerous tendency to fantasize about running from real life, a tendency to think of other possibilities, to dream, to think about what i could be doing. perhaps its safer if i took our parents route - less choice than today: grab a job, stick with it. i must stifle such inclinations of mine...and stick to what pays the bills. creativity? imagination? passion? curiosity? idealisms?

huh wat r u talking about!?

Blessing in disguise..oh sweeet jazz..!

Young, no girlfriend around to speak of and refusing to spend time idling by, I have always subscribed to the theory that I should go all out now, build a strong foundational base for my career, and when the right girl does enter the picture, it would be about time to be able to afford to slow down. Like all youths, I feel invincible and falling sick is to me an alien concept. So while colleagues left and right continue to take MCs and drop left and right like weeds slashed with a parang, I have always remained standing. But yesterday, I finally succumbed to the inevitable. Yup, yesterday, at work, halfway through the day, I suddenly felt sick, v sick.

I refuse to believe I can actually fall sick from working hard.

SO upon further investigation, I discovered the real reason I fell sick. I like to sleep in just boxers, and I tend to adjust the aircond accordingly. However, the night before, in the middle of the night I remember waking up shivering with the chills, and realizing that I had forgotten to lock my room door. Upon questioning, it was realized that my mother had come in, and full blasted the aircond.

So, irony of ironies, I fell sick not due to working hard, but at the very spot which I am supposed to obtain my R & R - in my room. Thanks Mum.

No, I am not being sarcastic. Really, thanks mum. Mum knows best. My pale and departure from normal complexion/demeanour yesterday convinced the powers in charge that I WAS sick, so getting an MC today was a breeze. Thanks to my sickness, I am on MC, and this is really a blessing in disguise. Because TODAY I actually feel..quite OK already! =) And so its like..taking a day of leave. Yayy.

Means I get to sleep IN! sleep late! wake late! and lie in bed snuggled warmly under the blankets just indulging in my fav activity for the WHOLE day!

WAIT. that sounded all wrong. I actually meant stay in bed and READ. dont be dirty minded, ppl. reading, reading, haruki murakami is fast rising up my list of fav authors...

and alternate b/w reading and lying in bed eyes shut jus listening to jazz (rest the eyes)...with the curtains drawn and the room in appropriate darkness with 1 small orange lamp in the corner..and the impending threat of rain..this is the life!

ok lets see what were the last 5 songs i've been listening to..

russell watson - you are so beautiful
russell watson - the voice (from the film 'captain corelli's mandolin' starring nic cage)
russell watson - the magic of love (ft lionel richie)
jamie callum - these are the days
jane monheit - i'm through with love (her voice here is realllly good near the end when she does some light yodelling)

ah...oh i was reading the papers this morning (what a luxury! havent done it for ages! a luxury I do not have the time to indulge in) and it was talking bout the penang jazz festival. which i missed. dat sucks ... nxt yr, by hook or by crook, i must/will go. must support our local artistes..got nothing to lose.. if its good, i enjoy..if no good...i wont die...and anyway its time malaysians embrace/support open air jazz festivals.

BTW the rain just started falling... completing the idyllic scene... /me dives back into Norwegian Wood.

ps: did u know the beatles actually have a song called norwegian wood (v nice guitars), which is referred to by aforementioned book's title?

Rant & Rave

I know I know its still early in the morning and its extremely unhealthy to rant n rave at this time.

Number One

Last night, someone was very intelligent. On a sudden craving for satay, he, on a whim, took off for the satay stall and in a half semibiotic fit of craziness ordered 20 sticks of satay intending to whack all of em.

He did.

And had a restless night struggling with an oncoming sorethroat. Great.

Number Two

I don't mind if you are not very smart. Neither am I, as I have so vigorously and conclusively shown from the above. Not very smart can be made up for in sheer attitude, such as tenacity, hardworking etc. But please don't be incompetent, lazy, or worst of all, the type of person who BLAMES OTHERS and/or tai chi stuff away. For Pete's sale. claim some responsibility ok?

I hate facing such people at work, who would tell u one thing, and then, when my boss calls to double confirm, tell him a totally different story, and pin all the blame on me.

Stupid fricking bitch. Nxt time I will record all conversations with her, and PLAY IT ON THE LOUDSPEAKER AT WORK to prove I didn't say what she claims I said, and to show who was right and wrong. I really want to totally give her a proper dressing down and embarrass the hell outta her. But as eagle, I shall not lower myself to a crow's standards. Must compose myself and remain a gentleman.

Just coz she is fat and ugly and looks like a male and thus her husband hasn’t been wanting to touch her for the last few years doesn’t mean she can take her frustrations out at me.

Some more HELLO when we run a batch nxt wk, on a machine that hasnt been used for some time, which is known as problematic, and when we don't normally run batches with these specs, everyone knows, it is standard to bring in materials EARLIER so we can conduct trial runs. Not bringing in materials on the weekend before the final finished goods are supposed to start running! Grow a brain OK? No need to be smart..smart is figuring out another way to do things that is better cheaper faster etc...all I'm asking is, meet your basic job scope requirements. And take some blame, or you will never improve.

Number Three

It is extremely ridiculous and absolutely stupefying messed up that books here cost so much. I mean, c'mon! Books are like one of the best best best pleasures of life ok. Books are ... great. So we should be encouraging our ppl to read more, so as to develop a wider sense of the world, a broader horizon n view of things, an ability to think critically, be more open minded, have better language command. But when you STUPIDLY subsidize the wrong stuff (e.g. sugar - look at the super high rate of diabetes among a certain community here), and books prices shoot sky high and are priced out of reach of so many, how on earth are you gonna have an advanced developed mentality as a nation? When all we can afford are 'Pak Pandir' and 'Mat Minah pergi bowling' how the hell will our culture, mentality and exposure increase?

And banning books is not the answer. Develop the people with critical skills to discern for themselves. Whats the difference b/w now/ the near future and George Orwell's 1984 [Full story] [Wikipedia] [Synapsis] ?! Who needs a big brother?

Oh yah, we do – Indonesia.

Number Four

Aiyo brada, we are moving backwards. Now they want to regulate alternative media forms. I.E. stifle internet discussions and intelligent debates on government policies la! Hey, if your policies hold water you should be able to stand up to scrutiny and debate us intellectually and win us over with sound arguments. The only reason why you choose to impose policies, and then forbid all forms of discussion and debate, is that YOUR POLICIES ARE NOT WORTH THE PAPER THEY WERE WRITTEN ON. go back to ur village to pick up cow droppings.

Number Five

Stupid Malaysian traffic jams!!! No wonder country so inefficient ok! Look at Singapore n Tokyo etc... where got like that? Thats how you create an effective efficient workforce, and that maximises the amount of time they spend on being productive and working. We take one hour to get to work, one hour to get back, some people take 1.5 hrs lunches, then theres little breaks here n there, then theres prayers, etc etc, at the end of the day, we get like 4 hrs of work a day compared to the Singaporean or Japanese or HK person. Is it any wonder we are crapping behind everyone else? No wonder I have to spend 12 - 13 hrs at work! Just to make up for this stupid time spent in jams. Wasting away.

OK...time for work. Late already but hey thats ok...told the boss to expect it since I left late.

Tata toodles to the loo and take care

Pain.

Listening to.. The Power of Love

Times like these...are the hardest.

When he finds it difficult to sleep at night with thoughts bouncing around his head...and he is all alone in his room, under the blankets, with nothing, but memories of the times that were. Defenses stripped down, laid naked and bare. Face to face in confrontation with his own emotions, without the self deceptive distractions of the day.

It’s at times like these that…he feels truly alone.

It’s at times like these that…he really misses HER.

It’s at times like these that…are so hard to take.

It’s at times like these that...require the most strength.

During the day, feelings can be disguised, avoided, run away from, buried under the daily tasks. During the night, when there is just him, and there is no where to run, feelings become very real, intensified and painful. Memories that once brought happiness now only give a real, physical pain in the heart.

Why did things turn out this way? [I Don't Know - lyrics].

How can a perfect love and relationship go wrong? Are memories only... memories? Do they have no influence on the future? Do they have no worth, no bearing on the present? How can, after all these years, she claim to 'not have a single good positive memory of us', not a single memory of something positive, can't remember ever being happy...

Whatabout those times he would meet her outside the library late, late at night, bring for her an extra jacket, and push his bike and help her carry her books, take her to his place and they'd laugh joke and point out things about people they passed, have supper prepared, and tuck her into bed? And those times they worked throughout the night on her assignments? OR when they gorged ourselves silly until they were pink in the face at CCH and then stumbled over to Borders? How about those times they clutched each other as they inched their way from his place to her place in the night, and in the cold, and they held hands inside his coat pocket, and she said she didn't mind walking like this forever? Or the night of their anniversary when he cooked her favourite pasta, and played on his guitar for her what he had been trying so long to learn - their song, Lonestar's Amazed. Or the time when he played and she sang along to Tommy Page's A shoulder to cry on and they laughed at each other's mistakes? Or those cold winter nights when they got so ravenous and then they'd order extra large servings of spaghetti amatriciana (extra chilli flakes please!) with ribs, and then sit in front of a dvd, pig out and happily smile at each other with faces smeared with bbq sauce? And how they'd skip classes coz they couldnt bear to be without each other. And how he would hold her and cool her throught the night when was sick. And how they'd walk from College Square to Crown...and back again. So much more..

Yes, he knows that was in the past. He knows those were childish times. And its time to grow up, to seek more permanent things, to seek a sense of security, etc. Love will not feed them. They can't live on love - cant drink it, eat it, or use it to buy things. But he isn't doing so bad now. And they know it. And she knows his plans. And he is striving hard, every day, every moment, every thing he does, to make himself one step closer to that goal. Putting himself through hell and back. So, why? The career is coming along fine, everything is in place, they've established trust, understanding, and he has stood by her through thick and thin. So...why? What happened? One moment they are fine.. and the next.. bam. Totally unprepared. How can she say she has no recollection of a single happy memory? That hurts.

Like Jude Law in Alfie..."What's he got? Tell me. I want to know. What's he got?"

Murakami

Listening to..Let's Talk About Love - Celine Dion

Back in Melbourne.. I stumbled across Haruki Murakami [info]. A friend introduced this Japanese writer to me. Filled with scepticism initially, I became converted, and now, I am eternally grateful to her for introducing me to Haruki.

He is one of my favourite writers, and his style so perfectly.. captures certain emotions. A little bit of Tony Parsons thrown in. If his books ever made it to the big screen, they would be extremely artistic works.. works of art, not to be shown over commercial cinemas..would probably need to go to Nova to see it.

Stumbled across Murakami at Borders last night...and promptly parted happily to purchase 2 more of his books..

Sputnik Sweetheart [link]

Norwegian Wood [link]

I am excited. Need more free time to read.

Musings...[local gfs only henceforth]

Today was an excellent day. Despite coming home at 3am [s'thin like that. i forget. bad engris is done deliberately. for no reason at all. just because. i. can. *sticks out tongue] last night, I managed to wake at 8 plus am. Too conditioned to it, thanks to a job that basically demands u be there by 7.30 or thereabouts after which ur work habits would be crucified, magnified and ur reputation shredded to bits, fed to the dogs, and their droppings would be retrieved and then burnt to be reused as fertilizers.

So, its been a long while since I got up so early AND got to stay home and enjoy it. So I went jogging around the neighbourhood. Saw a cute doggie. Went up to pat it. Coz I REALLY did think the dog was cute. Really. But still, chatted with the owner a bit. Darn, should have brought the camera! Bitch was cute! Moi meant the dog, not the owner.

Note to self: My neighbourhood has a lot of pretty girls walking dogs. Remember to buy/beg/borrow/steal a cute puppy next time I go jogging, with the express purpose of using said canine to meet girls and once I have chatted them up remember not to kick puppy in front of girl or toss it around or know nothing about it or let go of the leash and forget bout the puppy til 1 week later.

Anyway..so..was saying, "hey, cute dog..*pat pat*...quite well behaved..how olds she?" genuine interest. the owner smiled, said something. again, i forget. its irrelevant. coz suddenly, this small ass dog (i don't normally like small dogs im more of a big dog person but this was an exception, coz like i said, the bitch was cute. the dog, not the owner) gave a yelp, lunged at me, stood on 2 back legs, 2 front cute doggie paws clutched my leg. I was kinda touched la so cute right? So friendly? Just met me? And like want to hug my leg? Then its eyes eagerly looking at me tongue out? Then I smiled at the owner la like shrug shoulders kind. Suddenly I felt something odd. No the dog didnt pee on me. Girls don't pee like that.

The dog started to HUMP me. Grind Grind Jab Jab. Please, I cannot bear to describe the sensation of a doggie prick on my leg. So...I mean..WTF?!?! Boss, I stood there for like 5 seconds blinking while the dog looked up at me happily while pumping away furiously desperate to inject my leg with its seed [DISGUSTING]..

Thought process:

- Eh. The dog looks like it is..
- HUMPING ME?!
- Cannot be la. Its girl dog wat. Eh..that red thing.. looks like its pecker babe.
- But... isnt it a girl?!
- Confused.
- Standing there while my leg was bestially molested.
- Blink.

Wanted to back away, looked at owner, laughing like mad. Anyway I pulled away and owner pulled the dog back. "Hmm..eh...isnt..isnt.. she a ..female?" "No, I never said that, you assumed!" Laughing. "what the heck! you could have corrected me. now i dont feel like jogging anymore my leg feels raped." some laughter.

Aish...wake up to a beautiful sunny morning only to be raped by a dog.

Anyway at least something good came out of this la..i managed to make friends with a neighbour.. not bad.. only thing is, 10 hours later, now, i have completely forgotten her address, her name, her dogs name, and the dogs age. but i do know wat a red doggie pecker poking ur leg feels like.

Little did I know that this is the purpose I serve.. to be brought up, fed, educated, nurtured, protected, for 24 years, only to have my virginal modesty n dignity raped by a male dog pretending to be a female dog. some more in broad daylight at the area where everyone drive past can see me engaging in a shameless public display of unprotected bestiality. no face to see ppl alredi la me..nxt time go out if i decide to wear shorts, the humped leg must be wrapped up. sorry leg.

ok, anyway, so i then came back, showered, watnot, blogged a bit, did my usual online activities...went to my fav hangout zone...The Curve. Now, I shall post about this another day but i love spending wkend daytimes alone. so i ended up..running for a bit in the gym but got lazy and hopped off after 10 minutes and ended up spending 15 mins in the sauna and then leaving. total cals burnt: maybe like 200. total cals intake for the day: prolly like 200000. wow, a roaring deficit. there goes my hulk hogan figure.

then i dropped by borders, as i alwiz do, and ended up with a purchase, as i usually do. in this month's issue of men's health (u know, if the intention of living healthy, and the buying of magazines alone could do that, i would be like super healthy n fit by now. hulk hogan would have to eat my dust) it says:

GOOD NIGHT N GOOD LUCK. We are a sleep deprived nation, and it puts nearly all of us at risk - in the gym, in the sack, on the job.

Now, I have previously blogged before that I am an insomniac. Have real problems sleeping. And at work I can really feel the negative effects. So. With regards to point:

#1 - In the gym. Its ok..I dont plan to build huge muscles..I just wanna be a:

lean mean fighting machine person who is relatively healthy n not carrying around unhealthy excess fat. yea yea fat chance, pun intended.

#2 - In the sack. Alas, I have never, since 17 years old, had a gf here in Malaysia. So, no worries, no sack action here.

#3 - At work. AHH! Major impact.

So what did Men's Health recommend?

So thats the secret...no wonder la! i sleep with my guitar/no pillow (duno end up let me kick to which corner of the room come morning)/body half hanging off the bed/no pretty girl (nice tan btw..is Men's Health further suggesting that we should go interracial for good sleep?)...about the only thing i do according to the above picture is probably the sleep attire. even that is not VERY similar..shud i take a picture of my sleep attire n post it up? haha maybe, maybe. anyway so now i know the secret to better performance at work.

i need a gf from PJ/KL.

OK..gotta run. Dinnertime!

Sing..Sing..Singapore again!

It’s confirmed! The company is sending me on a visit to our Singapore arm! Memories abound! Possibilities, like another photography spree, sprout like bunnies from a burrow. Can visit my 2nd fav FF outlet, after the one at The Curve.

My locker, post workout..

YES! OK, actually, I requested for it, thinking it would be a long shot, but it is official - the Boss called and told me to make preparations, that the Singaporean side has already accepted and they will get in touch with me. I am surprised too..I didn't think it would go through but my Boss apparently had some good things to say bout me to HIS Boss, which convinced him and thus he helped to pull some strings to get me there.

So why I wanna go? Well, hey:

1 - Zoukout! is on Dec 9th.

2 - A break is a break is a break ok? I'm not gonna complain..gonna take any breaks I can get. Plus a KitKat.

3 - Take the chance to visit friends, sister, and I like going there anyway to hang out.

4 - [Very sinister, and actually, the only real reason] I just want to go there to erm, suss the place out, also to let them get to know of my existence, so as to sort of 'pave the way' and to make it easier for me to go over there IF my existing plans are still valid in 1 or 2 years time. Hey, its easier to hire someone you already know than someone you don't know, right?

So I was happy, thinking a'ight, since R is also being seconded there for some time, we could meet up, go for beers, chill, yak, etc together. All geared up..then the Boss calls.

"Alex...this is a very good opportunity. You have earned it. Me and [Big Boss] both think that you have good potential, and you have shown some promise here, and done some good things. So, make sure, you write out a list precisely of what you want to learn over there, and when you are back, do a presentation for me. Its a rare opportunity, so its good you took the initiative to request for it, its the first time our department is doing this. Well done."

OK, suddenly the go-there-for-fun has diminished, and the pressure has risen a slight notch.

Why so formal? Why suddenly must write out what I want to learn? Damn...how to write?

I want to go coz I want to suss them out and let them know of my existence so next time if I resign from here it is easier for me to be hired there TEE HEE HEE. Some more I want to go there to hang out and see friends so go under the pretext of 'visit branch' there la heh heh easier to be granted permission to go.

Wanna go Q Bar

Not that prudish .. taken at Bugis

Goodness...*nightmare*.

Integrity and honest required here. Should I just toss em outta the window? Actually it sucks..I'm really torn at the moment. The company has shown a lot of faith and support actually for me, and my Boss and his boss has extended a lot of support, belief, help and faith in me though their attitude can be improved. So I feel like.. I should repay the loyalty and not be thinking of cabut. BUT..in this day and age, and judging from company history.. I also know that they will not hesitate to kick me out should they find a better option...so I guess I can't be too selfless eh?
Bloody predicaments..

I must be a better friend

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Currently Listening to..Wang Lee Hom - Kiss You Goodbye

---

Do you ever come to a point in your life where you sit back and think about yourself and you realize... HMM...you are starting to take your friends for granted, and you know thats not a good thing, and you want to change?

Yea..that happened to me just now. You see, JH has patiently been a well, as far as guys go, good enough friend. [I don't think I've been a worse friend than him though] Anyway, last night he was like semi breaking down, lost the 'I'm too cool for y'all' persona, and became a little boy again, blubbering about how this girl is driving him nuts/insane/crazy.

Maybe its coz I'm becoming so jaded by all these rships stuff [in a way, BUT I'm still idealistic, I'm still a dreamer at heart. Good things do happen. Maybe not yet. But they WILL] and the details sounded kinda juvenile, that I wasnt as patient, kind, understanding as I used to be/could be. Of course, we listened without interruption etc etc but then we also didnt really sit down focus look at him seriously and hold his gaze..we were eating kuachi, chugging down beer and making jokes while alternating with a generally sympathetic n sombre mood.

Of course, as far as guys go, that could be regarded as a pretty successful outing already - humor, beer, cigarettes, hanging around each other, supper, listening to one of us pour his heart out and feel better after that (no need chicks, we aren't like that =]). And he did SMS us all to thank us and say it really helped and all so I guess it's not so bad. Still, maybe I should have like just looked at him and listened..but the atmosphere we were in made it hard..and weirder still, u know, its been a long while...and guys cannot just sit down look into each other's eyes n hold their hands for support.

2nd incident. T here's this person who recently I regard her as more than a colleague, but as a friend already. And yesterday, after a long day at work, for the sake of my own self amusement and feeling mischievous and bored already want to go home its 8am on a Friday evening, I proceeded to annoy her. As usual. Normally, she is great fun to tease coz she has a great sense of humor but yesterday, apparently she had a really bad day, was PMSing as well, and kena tiu for no good reason at all. I suppose I have been pestering her a lot as well la. So totally insensitive, and not being able to detect any abonormality in her behavior, I think I pissed her off [no time for juvenile pranks]! Luckily she was in a more reconciliatory mood by night, but still, I can't help thinking that good friends should be sensitive enough to each other's moods and be able to read signs/signals that things arent going well with them and know when to prick them and when to not prick them. So...OK...gotta learn to read certain signs n signals better. I know I suck at that.

Hate Me

---

[Listening to..Blue October - Hate Me]

---

About 6-7 months ago...I first heard this song during an exceedingly tumultuous time in my then rship.

Everything fit so well. Really loved it to bits. Been meaning to figure out the guitar chords myself. Of course, sometimes, when I want quick wins, I just go and search for the damn chords online, but, if I really like the song, I will try to first figure it out on my own. Its just so much more meaningful, satisfying and nicer when I do figure it out. But I've never gotten round to doing it for Hate Me. But just now, after hearing a dear friend's heartfelt outpouring of his sorrows...when I got home.. I was inspired to pick up the 'tar and figure it out. Here it is...the fruits of 30 mins of labor..(searched for the lyrics online heh SOME cheating is ok dont b so strict)

Blue October - Hate Me - Transcribed by Alex

G
I have to block out thoughts of you

so I dont lose my head
Em
they crawl in like a cockroach

leaving babies in my bed
C
Dropping little reels of tape

To remind me that I'm alone
D
Playing movies in my head

That make a porno feel like home

G
There's a burning in my pride

A nervous bleeding in my brain
Em
And ounce of peace is all I want for you

Will you never call again

C
And will you never say that you loved me

Just to put it in my face
D
Will you never try to reach me

It is I that wanted space

G
Hate Me today
Em
Hate me tomorrow
C D G
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

G
I'm sober now for 3 whole months

It's one accomplishment that you helped me with
Em
The one thing that always tore us apart

Is the one that I won't touch again

C
In a sick way I want to thank you

For holding my head up late at night
D
While I was busy waging wars on myself

You were trying to stop the fight

G
You never doubted my warped opinions

On things like suicide or hate
Em
You made me compliment myself

When it was way too hard to take
C
So I'll drive so fucking far away

That I never cross your mind
D
And do whatever it takes in your heart

To leave me behind

G
Hate Me today
Em
Hate me tomorrow
C
Hate me for all the things
D Em
I didn't do for you

G
Hate me in ways
Em
Yeah ways hard to swallow
C D G
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

C D
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
G Em
I'm kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
C D
And like a baby boy I never was a man
G Em
Til I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand

C D
And then I found I'm yelling make it go away
G Em
just make a smile come back and let it shine just like it used to be
C D
And then she whispered "how can you do this to me?"

G
Hate Me today
Em
Hate me tomorrow
C
Hate me for all the things
D Em
I didn't do for you
G
Hate me in ways
Em
Yeah ways hard to swallow
C D G
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

ps: BTW if anyone can figure out the Lasse Lindh song's guitar chords for the middle section (highlighted) pls email me THKS:

but it's worth it, i love the thrill
come, come, come

My most beloved

My most beloved...

You have accompanied me through so many lonely nights
You kept me company when I first went overseas, pensive and thoughtful in my room
You helped to draw me out and made me realize what I loved about life
You helped me to discover parts of myself I never knew and others would never believe existed
You enabled me to mingle well with strangers
You were the one I hugged to sleep
You were right beside me as I changed from a high school boy to the young man I now am
You never complained or made any noise when I neglected you
You patiently waited until you were relevant to me again
You allowed me to do whatever I want with you, and when I hurt you, I felt the pain myself
You have not grown older with the years.. just more and more .. MINE.

My beloved Yamaha C 40... I first laid eyes on you when I was in Year 8, when the music teacher insisted that we all learnt guitar, & then made us perform Colors of the Wind as our test.

So I went to Subang Parade to buy my guitar. And...now I am 24 years old. Thats a 10 year relationship, where you stood by me through thick and thin.

You listened to me sing and yet played along. I've already changed your strings like a gazillion times. From learning and playing Eric Clapton, oldies and goodies, to Sugar Ray, Coldplay, Beyond, Travis, Lass Lindh, Lonestar, Five, Beatles, Elvis, etc etc...

Recently my guitar's 4th string broke. Which I didnt realize. So after picking up the guitar for the first time in ages n ages...after some adjustments..the 4th string was reinstalled, but later snapped. I just fixed in my new 4th string. Works like a charm. And without further ado, I quickly ripped off a few songs. Just to sharpen my fingers.. Eagles - Desperado, Metallica - Nothing Else Matters, Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved.

The best guitarists in the world are non mainstream. U2's The Edge is not bad, but I still think Morrison, Paisley, Hendrix, Clapton, Django Reinhardt etc etc...are THE best.

OK..time for bed! 4 15am already!

I am the minority

Listening to...Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees


The news states clearly [link]:

If you are a Malaysian and you have your own blog, the odds are that you’re a woman, aged 25 or under. Sixty-four per cent of local bloggers are female and 74% of them are in that age group.

Hence, I belong to the minority!

Nothing much to celebrate or discelebrate. Just a fact of life. However, I do wonder whether owning this blog thus makes me feminine and youthful at heart.

I prefer the youthful at heart.

Makes me reexamine my reasons actually.

Last night, at the gym sauna, met some irritating characters.

A) Walks into sauna, feels its not hot enough (only because he JUST WALKED IN the idiot) and proceeds to jack the temperate up a few notches...sits there for a few seconds..jacks it up lagi...sits for a few mins.. starts panting n sighing..coz the heat actually ok starts hitting u a few mins after u enter...prolly cant take the heat..then cabuts.. leaving a bunch of us in there slightly fuming coz now its like damn hot...

B) Those who keep walking in and out.

OK, over and out, time for work. (late already!!!)

Work...I'm tired..but i will go on.

[this is a private rant...to you, it WOULD be boring...consider urself warned]

Work. Today, this morning, I feel like reexamining my career.

As part of my newfound desire to do the right thing, I have been throwing a lot of myself into my work for the last one year. Again, its not really something I do because 'oh er isnt that what we are supposed to do? i'm just following the masses.." but its more of a "look, i know wats important in life, and i know what i want to get, and i know how to get it, and realistically, if i have to work hard for it, fine, so be it'.

Put it this way. Why do i spend 12 hrs at work, often more? why do i go in when the sky is dark and come out when the sky is dark? why do i sometimes skip meals? why do i put myself thru intense pressure n stress (resulting in severe havoc to the internal health systems)? why do i sacrifice so much of my personal interests?

I alwiz look at end games in mind. if the end game is worth it, the journey there will be tolerated, regardless. just block out emotion. in this case, the end game is:

- OK, want to be able to provide a comfortable life for the family.
- Don't want to have financial worries at all. No need to be wealthy, just please, no financial worries, no quarrels about finances, no wife and children needing to make too many sacrifices.
- Therefore need to have successful career.
- Therefore need to be someone who companies want to hire/keep and willing to pay for.
- To have successful career one must know a lot about what one does, and one must be good at it.
- In order to do that, one has to build up ones knowledge and experience.
- In order to do that, and do it quickly, 1 has to be willing to not take shortcuts, and to work hard, and put in the hours.


In my line, in my position, that is not an option. In fact, we are considered 'future leaders' and upon graduating from the MT programme, will automatically become managers entrusted with a small cell, and henceforth, we are expected to manage that stuff well. The way the programme is done, we are forever fast-tracked so that the spotlight is constantly on us, we have to keep proving ourselves, and we are expected to rise to a senior post around 5 years after we graduate from the MT programme. in return, they will give us a comp. & ben. package thats supposedly among the top in the country.

The way I figure it, this is the best time to learn, and to make mistakes. Once I am no longer an MT, and become a manager, the only way to keep rising is to do a frickin good job and the only way to do that is to ensure I really know my stuff well, I can't be bullshitted, and that I have the people's respect. And those things are stuff that I need to achieve, now, because they will come in handy nxt time.

Of late, it has become clear to me that my senior manager/s thinks rather highly of me. When I sit back and really evaluate things, I feel really really lucky. Things have gone rather smoothly for me, compared to others, and I can't really complain. Again, this would not have happened if i had not done my part. i feel grateful too. hitherto, my manager has really really pushed me hard. he is a reknowned tough guy, a legend in the company who is regarded as a star due to his knowledge and meteoric rise, and the pressure and stress he gave me was crazy. however, recently, he made me present one of my many current projects to the functional director and functional top team. apparently i did v well. after the meeting, in his room in private, he was beaming all over, slapping my back, and saying things along the lines of 'alex u made me v v proud today. u made me v v happy. u vindicated my choice to choose u to train up. u really made me v v proud today, and saved [dept name's] ass.' etc etc.

the acknowledgement really meant a lot.

i think it has probably showed me that what i am doing is the right thing, i am on the right warpath, and kinds of strengthens my resolve to keep performing and delivering.

the only niggling thing in my mind is that...the only reason i have been able to deliver is that i really spend a lot of hours, blood sweat tears on the projects (too bad, not v smart. a much smarter person would prolly have figured out faster/easier ways of doing things). these hours could be better spent indulging in personal hobbies like sports, reading, outdoors activities. which makes it v hard to strike that balance because i have hardly anytime left over for myself.

its scant consolation, but i do believe that there is no short cut to success,and that young men today are taking it far too easy. i see guys my age with no sense of urgency, or hanging out at cybercafes or without drive. i don't know, perhaps they just arent motivated enough. motivation should come from inside - otherwise its not sustainable. if young men today feel that their time is MORE WORTH IT to be spent mucking about..fine, thats their choice. if they think it is worth it, fine. but i feel young men should not waste their time playing playing spending money sleeping in etc etc and then wake up at 26, 28 yrs old, sober up and realize they don't have savings. when you are young, you have no dependents, no family, you should be working hard as hell, build up ur career, ur reputation, ur knowledge, the respect, ur savings, and then, when ur married, around 30, THEN u slow down a bit and spend more time with your wife. by then, you would have had enough savings and stuff to be able to afford to slow down. that is the path i am taking. the trick here is balancing work with self so i don't become too one sided.

i really don't know if im making sense here. and like everyone else, i dont know whether my actions are right or wrong. i just ... have to do it... and see what happens, and hope to live my life such that at 30 i can look back and not have too many regrets.

Another serious bout...

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Listening to - Wendy Matthews - The Day You Went Away - [Highly recommended. Lyrics]

---

I realize its 2 30am.
I realize I have to wake in 4 hours time to go to work.
I realize I'm bloody immature to be up instead of asleep.

Can you guess what this post will be about? Take a guess...the answer lies IN the picture below..


But I can't sleep. I did try. Until the playlist suddenly spewed out an all too familar memory inducing song, that got me all nostalgic and emo. And, try as I might, my mood suddenly changed, and now instead of being sleepy, I'm all charged up, nostalgic and reminiscing about Melbourne. Was it really Melbourne, or is it just that Melbourne signified a time in my life where I was still relatively carefree and devoid of the dreariness of working life and all thats associated with it? I remember when I was there and there was a period of time I just wanted to get the hell outta there and come home. As they say, the grass is alwiz greener on the other side. But I think its a combi of both. I do miss Melbourne, a lot, more than I'd ever care to admit.

I miss being on these trams...


I miss seeing these and if I let my imagination run wild, imagining that it was 100 years ago..


I miss. the. parks. Dreadfully. Felt so good to just sit there with a good book and a discman and people watch.

I was genuinely happy to just run around without a care in the world, wearing pink and nobody making any comments about it.


I miss the old buildings and architecture steeped in history...they do a great job there of making good use of their old buildings. The Melb Town Hall...


Flinders St station! The starting point for so many holidays and outstation trips...your dirty toilets and eccentric people are sorely missed. Wonder if the guy with the bagpipes still plays there...And I remember once, when we were waiting for the train to take us to our exam venue (Showgrounds, Flemington) the announcer suddenly said "Ni hao mah?" in thickly accented Chinese..drawing laughter from everyone and relieving the tension.

This is where I once went to watch a play - Anthony & Cleopatra, if I'm not mistaken. Looks different in the day and the night.


Funny how scenes I haven't seen for.. over a year... when seen through a photograph... is like something soo familiar, as if I just was there a few hours ago. It FEELS like home.



Countless afternoons and evenings strolling along the riverfront..



Spoke to an understanding friend about this, who spent some time in the UK and who is also suffering from withdrawal symptoms. According to her, who spent a year there, it takes up to 3 years to recover more or less...to 'sober up'. I was there for..6 whole years...Don't tell me it would take 18 years to get over it?! Gosh...don't know why I keep thinking about those times, the things I did, places I went, life I led. Is it really that the place was SO good, or just how I mentally associated it with the pre proper grown up life? Guess we shall never know shall we? But what I do know is that I have to control these outbursts of emo. Cannot continue to let this stuff start affecting me only at night just before I sleep, throw me completely off track, and result in me being zombified at work. It's time to know when to unlock the drawers of the past, and when to keep it tightly shut in order to concentrate on the now so as not to interfere with our preparations for the future. Must keep the past in the past and not let it affect the now. Its time to grow up.

Self Inflicted Pain

When I was in school, there was a guy who was self abusive. Sitting beside him was a weird experience because the teacher would be saying something, and it would be hard to concentrate because the guy sitting next to me would be totally self absorbed in his own world scratching himself and his wrists and stuff with a compass.

He would use sharp objects, like the corners of metal rulers, compass, whatnot, to scratch and scrawl on himself, resulting in scabs and little red lines, welts and things.

It was v hard to concentrate in class and not be perversely fascinated and drawn to the self mutilation show going on a few inches from me. Of course, I never let on how I felt, or even that I was secretly fascinated and watching from the corner of my eye. I alwiz thought it would be cool if he accidentally cut his wrist too deep and he suddenly fell to the ground gasping as he held out his hands, palms upwards (ala Spiderman style as he shoots webbing) as the blood shot out in streams with each beat of his heat, to land a few metres away, or even to land on the teacher's face.

Problem was, this guy was super spoilt and pampered at home. He had no reason to act that way. His parents were loving, and loved him a lot. Now, there was this other girl who practiced this form of self decoration as well, but hers was a different case - she was a very, and legitimately so, unhappy child, who had no freedom and happiness, as her parents dominated her life. Anyway, back to my story.

I never could understand these morbid tendencies. Until I engaged in them myself.

You see, I've now got all these welts on my thighs thanks to my recent bout of self mutilation. But I have very good, albeit, stupid, reasons.

I find that my extremely bad habit of indulging in nocturnal activities til v late and then getting only 4 hours of sleep b4 another 12 hour work day is definitely eating into my productivity. My energy levels are bad, everything is bad, its dropping, I plod along...well thats a story for another day. Anyway so I tend to fall asleep or nod off or become v v v sleepy at work. And yesterday, I had to attend a v important meeting with some bigshots.

Normally I am ok. But yesterday's meeting, was boring as hell. And I was struggling to stay awake. Normally, what I do is, I pinch myself to stay awake. I would pinch the softest most tenderest part - i.e. the inside of my thigh. For the most part, it usually works. Yesterday I was so sleepy I think I was practically abusing and killing myself as I feverishly pinched and hacked at myself til I was tearing. I was so desperate I even started to yank at my leg hairs. But STILL I felt... badly.. sleepy and I could feel myself slipping away. I've alwiz feared actually waking up as my head hits the table with a thud, and then only I realized I had fallen asleep. That would be a Career Limiting Move of unbeatable and irreversible proportions.

Anyway thanks to my mildly successful and stupid strategies for staying awake (nxt time just sleep earlier la) I now v unproudly sport a couple of painful welts on my inner thighs. Excellent, excellent.

To make things worse, the other day, I did 1 hour of running on the treadmill (split into 2 sessions), had no warmups, and upped my weight on the Adductor machine from 40 to 50. Ended up, my inner thighs have been burning pain hell for 3 consecutive days and shows no signs of abating. It hurts so bad I might have torn my muscle, and walking is a bitch. Good thing I can sort of disguise it well or else it would seem like I am bowlegged AND have a serious case of piles.

Haih...Aish...Alex, Alex...pls sleep earlier...and its 2 15am...time to..sleep!