Morally weak, me

Very boring post coming up. Just a need to verbalize and articulate certain thoughts that perhaps might help to provide clarity and form to structure my thoughts a little. But with my meandering prose, I doubt it.

It is with great tiredness that I am typing this so please do try to overlook generously any extra-than-normal typos, spelling mistakes, inarticulateness and general shoddy grammatical errors.

Dating from the middle of last week, I have averaged 3 to 4 hours of sleep per night, mainly with work requirements, that take up inhuman hours. Taking the current situation for example, I had to plan to go back in from 12 plus am til ... later this afternoon at least 12 plus pm. This on top of the already excessive hours I am throwing in these few days. Of course, it is not necessary, strictly speaking. But, as a key project personnel for this particular key project, the onus is on me to ensure that we deliver on time, in full, at good quality, and with the minimum of rejects. And, given the competence level of the general workers I am given, the type of rework required for this project, the required output rate and other deliverables requirements, and most important of all, the competence level of the fellow colleagues whom I am tryin to help (own initiative, cant blame anyone), the constraints placed on me due to other reasons, the project really requires this contribution from me at this stage. I am not want who is wont to complain excessively, highlight all my constraints and problems in order to emphasize my achievements, or basically crow too much about my situation, so I will stop here.

Sure, I could close one eye, but that is not my style. If something is associated with me, I do not want negative connotations. Not because I want to 'have a good name' etc, but it is just a personal responsibility, philosophy and a general disability to reconcile my conscience if i do things shoddily. No way I can let out anything if I knew it wasnt being done to the best, if there was room for improvement which is not acted upon.

However, it requires a certain strength of character to keep doing all this type of stuff, to live a life filled with these episodes, and increasingly, I am doubting my own integrity and moral fortitude, that I have what it takes. Pls allow my explanation.

When I look around me, I see a world with gross unfairness, gross uneven distribution of financial profits derived from every individual's contribution to their work, if you compare these indivs effort/competence/responsibility. I have known this all along, and it has been driven home, the point has been rammed in, again and again, leaving me with no doubt that any role of mine in supply chain is alwiz going to be secondary to other positions. Other depts, other staff, with far less competence, level of responsibility to their work, etc, are wayy more rewarded for what contributions they provide relative to me and the people ard me. In terms of training, comp and ben, holidays, working hours, environment, etc.

I am sick and tired of people talking about salaries, comparing incomes, being impressed by fat figures, judging a person's competence, intelligence and worth by the size of their paychecks. This is happening a lot lately and it just busts me up and finally I have to complain coz I just want to vent.

In other industries, people with much less character, competence, etc, are way more generously rewarded. People in banking are obscenely compensated for what they do. I don't begrudge them. But when I see people who do what they do, and the requirements necessary to do that, and the paychecks they pull for the sacrifices they make, and compare it to my situation, although my overall paycheck per month doesnt pale too much comparatively, the amount of sacrifices and watnot renders my per hour rate a very very paltry figure indeed. They do much less to make much more.

And that everyone places the worth, capability, intelligence, blah blah of a person by that criteria, i.e. his salary, is v hard to take, because it apparently reflects that some fatso ooozing buckets of slick charm, a gift of the gab, with no real competence or responsible attitude or whatever, is considered much more an achiever than me. He is looked upon with shining wonder respect and admiration, everyone thinks that such sleazy banking/marketing/HR types are soo soo powderful and us operations type people are like...uneducated low earning slaves..And to forever slog away like this and be regarded as inferior to people who I consider myself not inferior to, is difficult for me to take. Blame it on my ego, call it whatever you will, but this is the truth and it is getting harder to tolerate. So, my morals aren't as good.

I am not seduced by the money. I am not even seduced by the reputation or connotated implications of my manhood or capability or whatever. But it is fucking annoying that my lifestyle is cramped due to the sacrifices, for so little reward. If I could make more, I'd then be able to do more travelling, save up, and... well, I don't think anyone in this world has a problem with knowing not what to do with extra money.

OK...yawn...gonna check the line for a sec, be rightttt back.